Conflicted about career since becoming a mother

[Anonymous]

Hello. One of those uber nannies here. As much as I've adored caring for many fine children over the years, I can never replace you. Your children desparately need their parents.
I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me to see that.

I'll forever remember what one particular mom once told me. After I had given her notice, she told me I was "irreplaceable", and would therefore put her own career on hold, until her child was old enough for school. It was my first professional nanny job, many years ago.

Looking back, I didn't fully comprehend what she meant, at the time. Sure, I may have been the best even then, but I believe what she was really saying, was that she wasn't going to introduce another 'stranger' into her child's life. She understood the essential need of "permanence" in her young child's world.

Fast forward. Today this child has become a well-known specialist in her field, who many of you have seen on tv and quoted in popular literature. The family and I have stayed in-touch over the years. I am in utter awe of the attention this person received throughout her upbringing. Her parents made the hard choices early on, and now have a brilliant, socially aware, happy and beautiful adult child.

Currently, I prefer to work with several families on a part-time basis, either short-term or long-term. My dedicated focus is to support parents who need it, but never to "replace" them in any way. I want a parent to be with their child more waking hours, than I am. This is what I have seen first-hand, to attain the results, that most parents desire.

[Anonymous]

*will attain*

[Anonymous]

"I think the answer for now is to stay where I am. However, the more I think about this the more I realize this will always be a problem. Once my son is out of daycare there will be before and after care and soccer practice and sick days and PTA and everything else that comes along. Life won't ever slow down so it feels like I'll never have time again to devote to my career. I don't want to feel like I'm giving up but that's what it seems like."

Why aren't you getting more support from your spouse? I have a satisfying 50 hour a week job and two busy young teens. I couldn't do it without a very involved husband.

[Anonymous]

Are your teens on their own until dinner, when you get home, pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that, esp while kids are little, flexibilty is way more important than career advancement.

That said, one quote they keep mentioning from the book "Lean In" is, don't quit before you quit. In other words, don't talk yourself out of a job that you are interested in just because you "might" be too busy later, etc.

Also, these are the only 2 jobs in the world. Maybe there's a happy medium between boring but flexible and exciting but exhausting?

I disagree. Women who seek flexibility sell themselves short. Pay for backup childcare, get your spouse to do at least 50% of the kid and household work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm crazy to consider giving it up, right? I figure even if I got a $20-30k raise I would be sacrificing time with my son which feels like it's worth much more to me.

Assuming you are able to meet the basic needs of your family, no raise is worth sacrificing even a moment of time with your son. Don't fall into that trap.

Except when your kids get older and are gone 32 hours a week in school. Then where are you? I gave up time with my kids when they were little so I'd have a satisfying career when they grew up (my oldest is 14 now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I took the mommy track route. But it is very frustrating. I now have middle school children and I see the light at the end of the tunnel - in HS they will not even get home until 6 or 7 (sports, etc). I look back and I have no regrets. I actually have had moms say to me at school they can't believe I have a job - I am at everything. It has been great.

My friend, on the other hand, has not mommy tracked but she is at most everything. She decided to determine how much money she needed to outsource all the stuff that take away from the kids. She has a tutor for HW, cleaning people (yes more than 1 - 1 does the regular stuff and another does special projects - like organize the playroom, etc), landscaper, and someone to make meals. But she also does not miss out on school stuff for the most part and her husband is VERY INVOLVED.

It's a hard decision but being happy is the best solutions. What will make YOU the most happy.

Your children will appreciate a happy mom.

I'm like your friend, we outsource everything. I'm big on family things and paid work, not so much on the work of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your teens on their own until dinner, when you get home, pp?

They are sometimes alone for 45 minutes, but often arrive around 6 pm due to afterschool activities. My husband has a job where it's quite rare for him to work late.

[Anonymous]

I've been having the same debate with myself (except I don't have another opportunity yet ) I would be hard pressed to give up the flexibility I have and the people here. My job is challenging and there is career advancement opportunity down the road, and the money is good but not great. For us, an extra 20-30k would make a noticeable difference, but I'm worried what the cost would be. If I were in your situation and the money doesn't make a huge difference, I would stay right where you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your teens on their own until dinner, when you get home, pp?

You wouldn't give up a full time career that you enjoyed and had worked in for 15 years, just to be home after school. You'd shift hours, work at home more, hire a housekeeper, etc.

[Anonymous]

I agree too that staying home during the older years (e.g. 9-15) could be more important. If you're busy juggling your career during the older years, you'll be less focused on their needs. These are important years where they're making decision that define 'who' they are. You want to be there to ensure they're making the right choices. You should be there when they get home from school to ensure they're doing their homework and not goofing off. You should have them involved in activities to keep them out of trouble. You'd want to be less stressed in your life so you can focus on raising them to be good citizens. No matter what, you'll be just as drained whether you work now (when they're young) or later (when they're older).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I think the answer for now is to stay where I am. However, the more I think about this the more I realize this will always be a problem. Once my son is out of daycare there will be before and after care and soccer practice and sick days and PTA and everything else that comes along. Life won't ever slow down so it feels like I'll never have time again to devote to my career. I don't want to feel like I'm giving up but that's what it seems like."

Why aren't you getting more support from your spouse? I have a satisfying 50 hour a week job and two busy young teens. I couldn't do it without a very involved husband.

OP here - Just to be clear, I get a lot of support from my spouse so that's not an issue. He currently works from home so is even more flexible than I am and does a lot around the house including being there for the electrician/plumber/cleaning person, emptying the dishwasher, AM daycare dropoff and PM pickup when I can't make it. So both of us have super flexible jobs right now but I can't assume his will always stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Wow then, I'd go for it, OP. Your spouse works at home! No sense turning down a good opportunity just because he may no longer WAH one day.

[Anonymous]

I'd go for it. With every promotion has come greater autonomy for me. I don't have to go cajole my boss into letting me leave at 2 for a recital or to telework, because I am the boss.

I think women tend to fear the greater responsibility that comes with higher career levels, while ignoring the greater freedom that comes with it. Especially if you are at a level where you have staff to delegate most of the heavy lifting to--then you can focus more on strategic thinking rather than churning out reports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for commiserating.

I think I'm having a hard time because I grew up in a house with a SAHM and a father who worked his butt off to make sure we had everything we needed and then some. And I'm now in a house where both parents work full-time and we are doing fine financially but definitely not rich by any stretch. So it feels like I'm not being the mother my mom was or the provider my dad was. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life but am still getting used to the fact that it's not what I grew up with. Know what I mean?

And no, these aren't the only two jobs in the world. My husband keeps reminding me that just because this other job came my way doesn't mean I have to take it (assuming it is offered). So I think for now I'll continue to be grateful for the work situation I'm in and see what comes next.

OP we had a similar dynamic in my family growing up and it is so hard to convince yourself it is ok and even healthy to carve out a different path for your own family.

Another thing I've considered is that the world has changed since we were kids and it is no longer possible orhealthy for many to preserve those old gender roles. The breadwinner is more vulnerable to layoffs, dads often want to spend more time with the kids than in generations past, women today derive a sense of self worth from work outside the home. None of these things are wrong or rught, they just are.

I am in a similar boat career-wise--flexible job thst meets our financial needs but isn't the most challenging. I face the same question--should I look for something else? For now I'm staying put as I really value the ability to spend a significant amount of time with DS even as a working mom. I'm staying while my kids are young and will play it by ear after that. I love DC for it's family friendly work environment--lots of govt jobs and nonprofits that are forgiving of maternity leave and work life balance and plenty of women in our situation.