Conflicted about career since becoming a mother

[Anonymous]

Up until a couple years ago, my career was very important to me in that I was willing to work hard and put in long hours to do a job that I believed in and felt was advancing my career. Then I got burnt out at my last job which was demanding, accepted a new job which is pretty much stress-free but isn't really advancing my career. And in the meantime I've had a child and have immense flexibility in this new, stress-free job. So now a new job opportunity falls on my plate that would offer major career advancement but it would mean going back to long hours and likely a very stressful position. One part of me wants it because I've felt lazy in my current job but the other part of me realizes I would give up a lot of flexibility and would likely not see my son much, if at all, during the week. Right now I get paid decently for the hours I work and work for amazing people who give me a lot of latitude to come and go as I please. I'm crazy to consider giving it up, right? I figure even if I got a $20-30k raise I would be sacrificing time with my son which feels like it's worth much more to me.

I think the answer for now is to stay where I am. However, the more I think about this the more I realize this will always be a problem. Once my son is out of daycare there will be before and after care and soccer practice and sick days and PTA and everything else that comes along. Life won't ever slow down so it feels like I'll never have time again to devote to my career. I don't want to feel like I'm giving up but that's what it seems like.

I don't really have any specific question but am more venting and looking for perspective from other recent moms. How do we balance desire for career and family? I know there's no perfect answer but hearing about other's experiences would be really nice right now.

TIA.

[Anonymous]

Stay where you are. If you said it was $200k more a year, I might advise differently. But it will be better for your son and you to stay put. If you are not challenged, pick up a hobby or other interest. Don't give up on a job with nice people and flexibility. Don't fall victim to the grass is greener syndrome.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post. I'm staying put for now even though it's not the most challenging job. The pay, benefits, hours and flexibility are better, my colleagues are nicer, and I am keeping up my skill set and have accomplishments I can add to my resume. It' s not exactly "advancing" my career, but it's not setting me back either. I know that when the time is right (and I trust that I'll know) I'll be able to jump back in on the track I left off. This time with my son as a little guy is precious and I am not looking this gift horse in the mouth. It's okay that career is not your #1 priority right now. Life goes through phases....who knows where you'll be in a few years. Enjoy it while you can.

[Anonymous]

Redefine "career" as something you do between 9 and 5. There is no reason a satisfying career has to involve 60 hr work weeks. That's a bill of goods They sold us, along with our blackberries and unlimited data plans.

[Anonymous]

I work PT - about 20 hours per week - with no chance of career advancement.

funny thing is I am always being hounded to take on other positions that do offer opportunities for advancement - But my job is relatively stress free and flexible. Plus, benefits are excellent.

My job is indeed mind-numbing, however, which is the one thing that just may push me out. Having said that, I was offered a consulting position on the side doing something I love on my time.

Maybe you can pick up something a few hours a week just as I did. Are there opportunities to do so in your field?

[Anonymous]

OP I totally get it. I recently stepped out of a management position where I was on the 'fast track' into a position where I am not going anywhere. My kids are little and they need me. I am so much happier now. Is my work less interesting? yes--- Is my life more fulfilling- yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. I'm staying put for now even though it's not the most challenging job. The pay, benefits, hours and flexibility are better, my colleagues are nicer, and I am keeping up my skill set and have accomplishments I can add to my resume. It' s not exactly "advancing" my career, but it's not setting me back either. I know that when the time is right (and I trust that I'll know) I'll be able to jump back in on the track I left off. This time with my son as a little guy is precious and I am not looking this gift horse in the mouth. It's okay that career is not your #1 priority right now. Life goes through phases....who knows where you'll be in a few years. Enjoy it while you can.

This is me exactly. Sometimes I get so frustrated with the fact that I have worked at the same place for 7 years and am now stuck in the mommy track but other times, I am so happy that I can leave work at 5pm and not think about it until the next day. One of the reasons that I stayed so long is because I have seniority and my company has allowed for a reduced schedule and I appreciate it while my kids are little. But at least once a day I wonder if I am wasting my time in a job that isn't taking me where I want to go. It's tough OP--there are many of us who feel the same frustrations so you are not alone.

Having said that, I would stay put.

[Anonymous]

Agree that, esp while kids are little, flexibilty is way more important than career advancement.

That said, one quote they keep mentioning from the book "Lean In" is, don't quit before you quit. In other words, don't talk yourself out of a job that you are interested in just because you "might" be too busy later, etc.

Also, these are the only 2 jobs in the world. Maybe there's a happy medium between boring but flexible and exciting but exhausting?

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks for commiserating.

I think I'm having a hard time because I grew up in a house with a SAHM and a father who worked his butt off to make sure we had everything we needed and then some. And I'm now in a house where both parents work full-time and we are doing fine financially but definitely not rich by any stretch. So it feels like I'm not being the mother my mom was or the provider my dad was. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life but am still getting used to the fact that it's not what I grew up with. Know what I mean?

And no, these aren't the only two jobs in the world. My husband keeps reminding me that just because this other job came my way doesn't mean I have to take it (assuming it is offered). So I think for now I'll continue to be grateful for the work situation I'm in and see what comes next.

[Anonymous]

I'm crazy to consider giving it up, right? I figure even if I got a $20-30k raise I would be sacrificing time with my son which feels like it's worth much more to me.

Assuming you are able to meet the basic needs of your family, no raise is worth sacrificing even a moment of time with your son. Don't fall into that trap.

[Anonymous]

I took the mommy track route. But it is very frustrating. I now have middle school children and I see the light at the end of the tunnel - in HS they will not even get home until 6 or 7 (sports, etc). I look back and I have no regrets. I actually have had moms say to me at school they can't believe I have a job - I am at everything. It has been great.

My friend, on the other hand, has not mommy tracked but she is at most everything. She decided to determine how much money she needed to outsource all the stuff that take away from the kids. She has a tutor for HW, cleaning people (yes more than 1 - 1 does the regular stuff and another does special projects - like organize the playroom, etc), landscaper, and someone to make meals. But she also does not miss out on school stuff for the most part and her husband is VERY INVOLVED.

It's a hard decision but being happy is the best solutions. What will make YOU the most happy.

Your children will appreciate a happy mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post too. I chose to stay put and am now so happy I did, being pregnant with our second. I think when both are in school I'll take time to refocus on career.

Nobody ever regrets having decided to spend more time with their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post too. I chose to stay put and am now so happy I did, being pregnant with our second. I think when both are in school I'll take time to refocus on career.

Nobody ever regrets having decided to spend more time with their children.

I was going to do the same thing you propose but then I read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/218790.page#2189710
Several people talk about how important it is to really be available to your child during the school years. So now I'm more conflicted about "refocusing" on my career just at the age when being home when they get home from school and need to process things seems really important.

No advice, just another point of view. I've stuck with a job that's not too demanding and I've negotiated some work from home which I can do after the baby is asleep at night. So far it's working for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post too. I chose to stay put and am now so happy I did, being pregnant with our second. I think when both are in school I'll take time to refocus on career.

Nobody ever regrets having decided to spend more time with their children.

I was going to do the same thing you propose but then I read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/218790.page#2189710
Several people talk about how important it is to really be available to your child during the school years. So now I'm more conflicted about "refocusing" on my career just at the age when being home when they get home from school and need to process things seems really important.

No advice, just another point of view. I've stuck with a job that's not too demanding and I've negotiated some work from home which I can do after the baby is asleep at night. So far it's working for us.

OP here - Yes, this is a concern for me as well. I feel like the need for time with our children is never-ending so it's hard to know when to emphasize it most. I'm trying very hard not to over think career decisions so long as my family is happy and healthy. I hope that everything will fall into line somehow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post too. I chose to stay put and am now so happy I did, being pregnant with our second. I think when both are in school I'll take time to refocus on career.

Nobody ever regrets having decided to spend more time with their children.

I was going to do the same thing you propose but then I read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/218790.page#2189710
Several people talk about how important it is to really be available to your child during the school years. So now I'm more conflicted about "refocusing" on my career just at the age when being home when they get home from school and need to process things seems really important.

No advice, just another point of view. I've stuck with a job that's not too demanding and I've negotiated some work from home which I can do after the baby is asleep at night. So far it's working for us.

+1

My kids are 15 and 12 and I've worked part-time on the mommy (lawyer) track for 8 years. I had thought I would be working more by now, but wow, no way - they need me now more than they used to. I don't see going back to FT for awhile yet.