Talk to me about being an older parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it didn't work out well for me. My mom had me at 42 and now in my mid 30s I have toddlers and a parent who has failing health. She was always in great shape but got cancer st the age of 74 and has gone down hill quickly. It would be much easier if my kids were in grade school while this was going on. I am also an only so everything is my sole responsibility. My dad was 44 when I was born, marathon runner, successful executive, always active ect ect but died from a heart attack at 75. He has older children from a first marriage who have kind of vanished from my moms life slowly but surely. Everything was peachy till I hit my thirties when one parent died and one became very ill, now I have a baby and two toddlers who are often times dragged to chemo appointments, know the home health aid by name and are often late to preschool because I just don't have my shit together. I love my mom and my kids and it's really really tough.

OP: I am very sorry you are going through this. MY DH and I did the same. we are also older parents having our DCs in our 40s. Not my first choice! First my DH mom got sick, long drawn out, died (80s). Then my father (80s). Now my mother (80s). Back and forth to another state for the last 3 years; DCs learning to fend for themselves in grade school. Please be very careful of your own health. That much stress and strain can take a toll on you also. You can't be a good parent if you get too run down from exhaustion. There is a difference between tired and exhausted.

[Anonymous]

i had my first at 38 and hoping for a second at 42. honestly, i'm in much better shape phyically than i was at 30. i wasn't at a good place when i was 30, and also didn't meet my husband until i got my act together at age 33. got married at 35. i don't feel any older than the other parents at daycare and i know i don't look older. (i've always looked young -- sucked when i was 16, but help now.)

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I think it's not very productive to play the coulda, woulda, shoulda game.

My parents were in their 20s when they had me, but I was raised old school. Surely I am not the only person here whose parents didn't run around with them like overgrown children? Hell no, my parents would send me outside in the morning and tell me to go play and come back for dinner. Great childhood, played with friends in the woods, treehouse, the whole nine yards. Guess you can't do that today, the world being what it is.

My mom died at 50, had she lived long enough for a painful decline, who knows when it would have happened or when. You just cannot predict what life throws at you.

Not to mention, families used to be a lot larger, so maybe first baby was born at 21, but last baby was often born when mom was late 30s/early 40s. Not at all unusual back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can speak from the perspective of the child. My mother had me when she was 44 and then had my brother 18 months later. My dad was almost 50 when I was born. I had a wonderful childhood, and didn't realize until I was much older when my parents didn't do (like running around outside playing with us). My parents at that point were very comfortable financially - so we traveled a lot, went to the theatre, concerts, museums. They had perspective which only comes from age. If I could choose, I would pick older parents every time.

My parents were the exact same ages as yours. My mother was 20 with her first kid and 44 with her last (me). They were so, so much better parents to me than to my older siblings -- they had more experience, money, and perspective.

Pros (definitely not exhaustive): My parents were relatively relaxed, financially comfortable, and have been lucky so far to continue to enjoy near-perfect health (mom is 75 and dad is 79). Cons: I had serious fears of them dying all through my childhood (honestly I still worry a lot), and they got called Grandma/Grandpa and were annoyed. Obviously they will be more dependent on me at an earlier stage in MY life, but I know that can happen even with young parents.

Bottom line is -- as PP said, I would choose older parents every time. If you're worried about having a kid at an older age, keep this in mind.

[Anonymous]

Parents had me at 37 and 39; I had mine at 41 and 44. Now they are young, my parents are old (late 80s ) and I'm exhausted from worrying about both. I've had it easy up until now but I know that my parents' eventual illnesses/ demise and everything that will come with it (selling childhood home, moving them to assisted living, whatever) is going to be really tough. And I feel bad for my kids who don't have fun, active grandparents like a lot of their friends do.

[Anonymous]

My parents were early 40's when they had me. I was always aware that they were lots older than my friends parents, often people thought my dad was my grandpa, but in the scheme of things it was not that big of a deal. I had my kids when I was 41 and 43. They are now 10 and 8. What I lack in energy I make up for in patience. I didn't get married until 40, so it is what it is. I figure it's better than never having been born, right? The kids have a nice home, parents who love them, and all the opportunities upper-middle-class America can afford them. And it's enriched my life beyond my wildest expectations. Don't let age be the determining factor, IMO.

[Anonymous]

I had twins last year at 54. My parents are in their 90s (had me in their 40s), and are thrilled about the babies. I hadn't originally planned on having children when I did, but it just worked out that way. Enjoy them!

[Anonymous]

Hi 20:13 - Sorry to hijack, but I'm so intrigued by "twins at 54". Can you tell me more about that? My husband and I are recently married and in our late 40s (49 & 48) and considering doing donor eggs to have children. Did you have them on your own? Or with a husband/partner? What did you have? Boys or girls? Or one of each? I have this strange belief that girls would deal with older parents more easily. How old are your twins now? And how is your energy level holding up?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but I'm just so interested because I haven't seen many parents on here that are really older parents like we would be.

[Anonymous]

My parents were in their late 30's/early 40's when they had me. I definitely had one of the oldest parents in my class. But my parents had tons of energy, and was also raised with a lot perks my friends did not have (we traveled extensively, parents were heavily involved in extra curricular activities since my dad's career was established, etc). Most likely (if DE works) hubby & I will be 37 & 44, respectively, when we have our first. I honestly believe it's about energy. My mom is 76 and has more energy then me - it is insane she is like the energizer bunny! Perhaps due to having older parents, I never thought it unusual to wait until 40 to try to get pregnant (my grandmother had twins at 43 - obviously no ART back then!).

[Anonymous]

My grandma had her last (of 13) children when she was . . . drum roll please . . . 48 years old. Back in the late 1940's, when there was no such thing a fertility treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 44, kids are 8, 6 and 4. I am constantly being called Grandma at DS 4 school (from staff) but then again the majority of his classmates have under 25 year old parents. I also notice I get more respect from the actual teacher. At extra activities, I am in good company and the over 40 are the norm.

Are they actually under 25 or do they just look it to you

Once, I was chatting with a young woman I was volunteering with and she said she had just graduated from school. I couldn't tell if she meant from high school or college.

[Anonymous]

I have no choice in the matter. I am 36 and pregnant with what I hope will be my first living child. I am waaaaaayyyy older than I ever wanted to be but pregnancy losses and unexpected infertility problems have put me here. I have older parents and swore I would never do the same. But here I am. I really want kids (dont want to adopt) so this is my only hope.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 37 and second at 39. I don't feel like an "older" parent. At least not around here.

[Anonymous]

20:13 here. My husband and I met when I was 50 and he was 49. He was divorced (no children), had been married previously for several years. We married when I was 52 and he was 51. We started the IVF process when I was 51 and he was 50. We used donor eggs. The first FET took place after the wedding. It took three tries, transferring 2 each time. We had boy/girl twins, born just after I turned 54. They are now 14 months old. We first went to Shady Grove. Waited forever for an appointment. Met with the doctor for 2 seconds - she was very rude, told me I was too old, and showed me the door. We then were referred (by my gyno) to Dr. Sacks at Columbia Fertility. A world of difference. Donor eggs truly work.