letting spouse go b/c you can't provide what they deserve?
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Anonymous
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Adoption. My husband could not have biological kids. I just wanted to be a mom. It was not a big deal. Adoption = pure joy.
He married you for better or worse and there are several ways to be come parents from adoption to ivf to surrogacy. Do not destroy an otherwise good marriage. You will get through this pain. |
Anonymous
| And infertility doesn't make you "less" than any other woman in the world. No woman out there is "better" than you just because they can pop out babies. She has brown eyes, you have blue eyes, neither is better than the other, it's just different. |
Anonymous
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Man here.
My wife said something similar to this to me years ago. We married young and wanted a huge family. The ambitious 20 year old that I was, I wanted 5 kids. She talked me down to two and said we'd see what happened from there. Eight years passed of non-stop "trying to conceive" and no kids. We saw a few doctors, all of whom confirmed that she couldn't have kids. She started blaming herself for denying me the thing that I wanted so badly. She got really depressed about it. I won't lie and say that I wasn't really hurt at the idea of not having children. I was the nice guy growing up who everyone said would make a great husband and father one day. When all of my "never having kids" friends started dropping babies, I felt slighted. More than anything else, however, I always wanted someone to share my life with. My wife was my best friend and it seemed like she had a manual for what made me tick. She knew me better than I knew myself and the idea of leaving that just for someone who could give me a child was crazy. I wanted kids with her, but if i couldn't have the kids then at least I could have her. If your husband loves you, then don't give that up. Obviously you love him, else you wouldn't be considering this. Just talk it out. It will take time, and maybe you should consider counseling, but don't give up what you have. |
Anonymous
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It may be cheesy, but I admire the reality stars Guiliana (the host from E!) and Bill Rancic for sharing their infertility struggles with the public. A key theme that was reiterated time and time again on that show was that they were first, anything else was a bonus. Like a PP said, they married because they loved each other and wanted to grow old together, and that was their core family.
I'm not saying it takes the pain of infertility away but there is something about for better or for worse in marriage vows. |
Anonymous
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Adoption if you have the money to pay the fee. Adoption may take a long time and lot of paper to fill out.
10 years ago, someone told me that but I did not listen because I wanted to have OUR children. We tried for 10 years with natural way and Clomid, IUI, IVF may times, Chinese herbs, Indian type of food and no result. I told my husband that I will let him go and I will be happy for him if he starts a new life with a young lady ( better chance to have children ). My husband said NO. My husband wanted to adopt and I agreed only because I love my husband. I don't care for adoption at all. Now we have a child. I love our child very much. It is the best thing we have done. The joy to play with my child and when my child call me "Mama" with big hugs and kisses. My husband loves our child. Just seeing the way father and child, you can feel the joy too. Sometimes, I feel like I have a slice of heaven 
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Anonymous
| 11:01, thank you so much for talking about the relationsbetween your husband and the daughter you adopted. As a father in the same scenario, I know how he feels. It is just the greatest! |
Anonymous
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OP: You talk about "letting him go," but he could presumably "go" at any time with you "letting him" if that is what he wants. What you are talking about his pushing him away, taking the choice out of his hands. That is not something one does to a person one loves, and it is not fair to you either. If you love him, let him choose his future. If he wants to be with you regardless of how you build a family, then being pushed out of the marriage by you would be the most cruel, hurtful thing you could do to him.
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Anonymous
| If he can be happy with adoption, egg donation, or a surrogate, I would try. If he cannot live with any of the options, I would ask him to be very honest - does he want to be set free? If I loved him and wanted him to be happy, I would offer to step aside. But I'd try everything in my power first. |
Anonymous
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Kids are so expensive, and finding the right schools, teachers, environment is very difficult in this area. I would just go with biology. I think you or your husband is romanticizing of becoming a parent.
We are very happy childfree couple (trying but it really does not matter either way). Why throw away your marriage for a child?!? |
Anonymous
You know, that's really not helpful. Having kids is really important to someone. People feel inadequate in relationships for a lot of reasons. OP is having a hard time. I'm sure you didn't mean to be a jerk, but come on. |
Anonymous
OP, here. It's okay. I understand what this poster is trying to say. And I might even be able to talk myself into this kind of thinking, if it were only me being affected by infertility. But we have discussed pros and cons of children quite a bit and the pros, for us, win by a landslide. This conversation is a bit premature. I won't quit without trying a couple more IVF cycles and maybe getting a consult from a new RE but repeated failure has squelched my faith. Therapy for me might not be a bad thing. Though, right now it feels like there just isn't room for yet one more appointment. We do communicate a lot about the issue and I know that if I made the decision today, it would be pushing (as an above poster suggested) not letting go. This is just hard. So thanks for letting me think aloud here and try to get things straight so the next several months don't feel so clouded with doubt. |