letting spouse go b/c you can't provide what they deserve?

[Anonymous]

Let's say your spouse is a bit younger than you, handsome, healthy, and very much wants to be a father.

Let's say you can't get pregnant, despite all sorts of trying, and it's 99% clear your body, not his, is to blame. You plan to keep trying a bit longer but know there is an end to what you can do emotionally, financially, and physically.

You aren't sure you can live with knowing you have robbed this wonderful man of such a life changing all encompassing thing as fatherhood, specifically raising a child that came from him.

When and how do you think about letting him go?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would encourage you to re-post this in the fertility section. A lot of infertile women struggle with these feelings and you are more likely to find people who understand in that forum.

[Anonymous]

Adoption.

[Anonymous]

Egg donation is an option too.

I had trouble conceiving my 2nd child - and I was only 34.

Any one of us could end up disabled or sick.

This is not a reason to "let someone go." You will get past this.

[Anonymous]

Is your problem with your eggs or just carrying the child? Either way egg donation and/or surrogacy is an option to fulfill your DH's desire of becoming a Dad. If he's open to adoption, that's another option.

[Anonymous]

If you go for adoption, when that child is placed in your DH's arms, he will be DAD, in capital letters. There will be grief to work through as you both let go of the biological process, for sure. But the joy of your new baby will be incredible.

My DH was choked up the other night with tears in his eyes when DD (who is one of our adopted and now-grown daughters) called and talked to him on the phone and asked for his Dad advice about a guy she was interested in. He was so proud of her and they had the sweetest conversation, as they usually do. I don't think he could be more emotionally connected to another human being. Biology and DNA is irrelevant at times like this. This DD, and the other kids, have grounded him, centered him, inspired him, and connected him to everything that is important. The conversation could have been her, or one of her siblings. He is Dad to all of them, no matter how they arrived in our family or where they were born, and he loves it.

FWIW, this DD is not quite 5' tall and 90 pounds soaking wet. She has black hair, dark brown skin, and was born 8000 miles away. DH is pasty white, 6'3, overweight, and gray hair. They are father and daughter, through and through.

It sounds like your DH would be an incredible Dad and he wants that experience. Please consider the journey to parenthood through adoption.

[Anonymous]

11:01, why are you pushing adoption before surrogacy/egg donation?

If I had fertility issues and my husband wanted to be a Dad, I'd consider the route to him being a bio Dad first.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My guess would be that surrogacy but not egg donation might help. Not entirely clear yet. However, figuring out that process seems so daunting. God willing we will have some luck early this year but I can't get out of my mind that he might of chosen better.

[Anonymous]

You need to go to couples counseling with your husband and you need individual counseling. You should not make this decision unilaterally.

My husband loves being a father, but I am 100% sure that if he had to chose between being with me and being a father with someone else, he would chose to be with me and take a pass on being a father.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. I think therapy could help you, especially since you sound depressed.

When we first started trying, I asked my DH what we should do if we were infertile. He said "I would love be a father and hope we have children. But I didn't marry you so that we could have children. I married you so we could grow old together." Don't sell yourself short!

Good luck, dear.

[Anonymous]

Couple Therapy for sure. But I will only let a wonderful man go, if he chooses to go. He is an adult and it is his choice (keep trying with you or possibly be a father with someone else). If he is as wonderful to you as you claim, he will be with you. Wish you the best.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I think therapy could help you, especially since you sound depressed.

When we first started trying, I asked my DH what we should do if we were infertile. He said "I would love be a father and hope we have children. But I didn't marry you so that we could have children. I married you so we could grow old together." Don't sell yourself short!

Good luck, dear.

Exactly this, He married you because he loves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My guess would be that surrogacy but not egg donation might help. Not entirely clear yet. However, figuring out that process seems so daunting. God willing we will have some luck early this year but I can't get out of my mind that he might of chosen better.

This to me is a clear sign that you are not thinking clearly. I think that you should seek some professional help. Its not up to you to decide that your husband "deserves" a bio child and you certainly should not be devaluing yourself bc you are having trouble getting him that child.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have this converstaion with my husband- several times lately as we are going through IF- well my IF- diminshed ovarian reserve. Through these conversations, my husband has assured me he wants me and we will have our family however way we have our family. It has made both us more committed to it each other. Life throws some us steep curves. How we handle them is a measure of our character and our commitment to each other. When you husband says he chooses life with you believe him. I agree you should talk it out with a counselor though if you cant get through this difficult thing alone.

[Anonymous]

did you already try ivf, op?