OK to skip MIL house for Christmas b/c of Unnstable BIL?

[Anonymous]

We miss family functions my BIL will be at. He has a personality disorder and unstable at best. We have him on our "do not pick up from school list" (never thought we'd need that line on the forms). He's never threatened the kids or me directly but husband says not worth the risk.
If you are concerned at this level, skip the day and make other plans w MIL.

[Anonymous]

OP I think the other posters are getting a little hysterical (in a typical DCUM fashion). It sounds to me like you don't want to be around your brother in law because he is an ass more so that because he is dangerous. If that is the case, be honest and say so. In that case, maybe there is something that he can do to change his behavior.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but you just don't treat people in the family (mother, father, siblings like that). If he hasn't actually hurt anyone and is now medicated I think the best time to interact with him is now. Sounds like both your MIL and BIL are dealing with a lot and now you're piling on top of it.

Again, if he is just an ass and treated you badly in the past, that's one thing, but consider just saying as much instead of using his mental illness as a scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was your BIL threatening to kill specific people? If so, I don't see the connection between your family (two young children) being around a formerly depressed person who has "paid for his crime" so to speak, and is now stable.


Now, if he was ranting to kill everyone, okay, I can see your fear, but if he was angry at specific people, why would you fear for your little ones? Seems a bit much to me.

I think the bigger point is he is unstable and its in his wheelhouse to hurt other people. Your obligation is to your children first.

We all have it "in our wheelhouse" to hurt other people.

[Anonymous]

I dont think we do. And his isnt the normal just think it, its the out loud threaten it. Hurting self and others w concerns enough to be hospitalized. If they feel uncomfortable they should listen to that feeling. It is often there for good reason.

[Anonymous]

Read The Gift of Fear (for adults) or Protecting the Gift (for parenting) about trusting your gut and safety.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the specifics of the trip. If they live nearby, like an hour or less drive, I would stop by for a little bit so MIL can hug the grandkids, but you and DH keep a very close eye on the kids and you can leave if there is any risk of danger. If it's a plane ride away or requires a hotel, I'd skip it. Not worth it to make a long trip and pay for a hotel if your visit only ends up being 15 minutes if BIL is unstable. It sounds like you can't really know for sure how BIL is doing and it's not worth the risk of committing to a trip and then spending Christmas in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go. Trust your instincts, OP. It sounds like you and your husband's instincts are telling you to stay away.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the good advice. I know that my MIL will be mad-- but we have decided to go but to stay at a hotel to give us some space and will try a super short visit to get a feel for the situation and then if we need to, invite the MIL to our hotel for Christmas or possibly go for a short visit Christmas morning. It really has been hard balancing her feelings and my concerns about our safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now, if he was ranting to kill everyone, okay, I can see your fear, but if he was angry at specific people, why would you fear for your little ones? Seems a bit much to me.

So, what you're saying is that, if someone is threatening to kill specific people that are not your children, it's totally fine for your children to spend time with them? I'm sorry, THAT seems "a bit much" to much. If someone is expressing homicidal motives towards ANYONE I think that that the reasonable, responsible thing to do is keep your children away from them. I mean, are we seriously asking this question??? Have we gotten so politically correct that it's now inappropriate to avoid exposing your children to potentially threatening people because (a) it unfairly "stigmatizes" mental illness, and (b) it's unfair to make someone else in your family have to deal with it?

I'm sorry, I'm a super progressive mommy but this all just seems extremely ridiculous and potentially dangerous to me. If someone doesn't pass your mommy gut check, you shouldn't take your children to see them. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think the other posters are getting a little hysterical (in a typical DCUM fashion). It sounds to me like you don't want to be around your brother in law because he is an ass more so that because he is dangerous. If that is the case, be honest and say so. In that case, maybe there is something that he can do to change his behavior.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but you just don't treat people in the family (mother, father, siblings like that). If he hasn't actually hurt anyone and is now medicated I think the best time to interact with him is now. Sounds like both your MIL and BIL are dealing with a lot and now you're piling on top of it.

Again, if he is just an ass and treated you badly in the past, that's one thing, but consider just saying as much instead of using his mental illness as a scapegoat.

Sorry, but common sense suggests that if someone's threatening harm to himself and others, he's potentially dangerous. This has nothing to do with rules of courtesy, it's a matter of safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are supposed to go and visit my MIL for Christmas but my Brother-in-Law (who was released from a mental institution last month) is now living there and I am scared to go with my husband and boys (baby and toddler). He has been ok in the past (just a jerk), but in the last 6 months was very angry and threatening to kill himself and others. He is now seeing a therapist and is on meds-- but I am just not confident that he is currently stable. I just told my MIL and she is furious and says that I should trust her that he is ok now-- but I really think that she is sugar-coating his illness. What do you think? Tell her that we are staying in a hotel and try it out for a few hours, try to stay the night and see how it goes, or bail completely?

OP, go with your gut on this, and do not waste time and energy feeling guilty or second-guessing yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your decision is spot on. Give yourself an out by staying elsewhere, but go for an initial short visit to feel out the dynamic. Have a safety plan in place in case you need to make a quick exit. (For instance, have a rental car and keep the cars keys in your pants pocket--not jacket. Have a code word with DH for if you'd like to leave immediately but discreetly.)

Kudos to the BIL for getting help and to the MIL for sticking by him and to you for not automatically cutting off contact without learning more.

[Anonymous]

Not a chance in hell would I go. Not to a nearby hotel, not for a short visit, etc.

Nothing to do with paranoia or hysteria or fear of mental illness -- it just sounds like a bad situation you do not want to be a part of and do not want to drag your young children into.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe no one has brought up the obvious point that the recent national tragedy shows us that it is wise to be over careful when it comes to children's exposure to someone with mental illness who has threatened violence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably stay in a hotel and see how it went. You can't avoid him forever, I wouldn't think.

Why the hell not?

Your first duty is to your kids. If this were my BIL my kids would never see him until they were adults.