MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think.

She's excited (thumbs up)
You don't like her (thums down)

Therefore, her excited behavior is annoying (thums down)


I suggest you do what you can to ignore the things that don't matter (e.g., her choice of words for "her baby").

Also, acknowledge and consider her unsolicited advice, even if it's administered poorly (sort of like my post is doing now ) ~~ once you've been in the mommy business long enough, maybe by child #2, you'll probably have a bit more empathy for the urge to offer unsolicited advice or, rather, share your experiences and acquired wisdom.

The big stuff that does (somewhat) matter more, such as her coming over to the house "too much" and without being invited or announced: defer to your husband and have him set the boundaries. But I recommend that you be generous, as generous as you reasonably can. Unless she's truly a witch (not just that her personality rubs you the wrong way), you'll benefit from good multi-generational, cross spousal family relations. More importantly, so will your kids.

How To Be A Doormat 101.

How to Get Along with Family 101, more like. I agree with the first post.

[Anonymous]

Move...


...or be grateful that your child has one more person in the world who loves him/her. That's what I tell myself repeatedly when we go visit the ILs.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who posted the longish reply at the beginning. I read your orig post more carefully now, and see that the MIL is checking in on you to make sure you're following her advice, issuing guilt trips, and so on. Yeah, that's super annoying.

Is there any way you can have a stock reply to this, so you're deflecting her negative energy? It's great to keep the good (excited grandma), and starve out the bad (interfering grandma). Sometimes annoying behavior is starved out when the perpetrators see that their tactics are getting them nowhere. I generally think it's good to start gentle, and leave the heavy-hitting to your husband, since he's the MIL's "flesh and blood."

In no way do I mean that you should be a dishrag, or roll over to avoid her guilt-tripping. If you can stay as calm and zen as possible--like a rock in the river--the water might rush right past you. Sometimes, that's true, anyway.

Can your husband help convey that she needs to try to knock it off? Best if he takes the blame for this request himself... Mamas often forgive their own kids--especially their own sons--more readily than the dreaded "woman who married my little boy."

Good luck, OP!!! I'm rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think.

She's excited (thumbs up)
You don't like her (thums down)

Therefore, her excited behavior is annoying (thums down)


I suggest you do what you can to ignore the things that don't matter (e.g., her choice of words for "her baby").

Also, acknowledge and consider her unsolicited advice, even if it's administered poorly (sort of like my post is doing now ) ~~ once you've been in the mommy business long enough, maybe by child #2, you'll probably have a bit more empathy for the urge to offer unsolicited advice or, rather, share your experiences and acquired wisdom.

The big stuff that does (somewhat) matter more, such as her coming over to the house "too much" and without being invited or announced: defer to your husband and have him set the boundaries. But I recommend that you be generous, as generous as you reasonably can. Unless she's truly a witch (not just that her personality rubs you the wrong way), you'll benefit from good multi-generational, cross spousal family relations. More importantly, so will your kids.

How To Be A Doormat 101.

How to Get Along with Family 101, more like. I agree with the first post.

How to Reward Bad Behavior for Dummies.

[Anonymous]

OP let the "my baby" thing go, MY mother is the worst offender. Every time she calls me the first words out of her mouth are "how is my baby today?" Yes its kind of annoying but other wise she is great.

As far as your MIL stopping by all the time that is NOT OK. I've learned with my MIL I have to set the rules and boundaries, my DH is a total push over when it comes to is mother as hard as he tries. So just let her know you would love to have her come by XX (we do Sunday dinners) to see the baby. When she stops by at other times let her know it is not a good time for you and/or the baby and you will see her on XX.

[Anonymous]

I think the DCUM pooper has arrived on this thread to leave little eyeroll poops and nothing of value. Welcome, pooper. I've missed you. Haven't seen you in about 48 hours.

[Anonymous]

OHHH POOR OP! I think we also have the same MIL! Mine does the same thing!! I am not sure how old your DC is.... but my MIL got better when my DC became older and was more attached to me as the mother. She saw that my DC was hanging on me and asking for mommy. She finally realized she was not the "mommy" of my kid. She could only really smother DC when DC was very young b/c eventually kids prefer their mothers/fathers to the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP let the "my baby" thing go, MY mother is the worst offender. Every time she calls me the first words out of her mouth are "how is my baby today?" Yes its kind of annoying but other wise she is great.

As far as your MIL stopping by all the time that is NOT OK. I've learned with my MIL I have to set the rules and boundaries, my DH is a total push over when it comes to is mother as hard as he tries. So just let her know you would love to have her come by XX (we do Sunday dinners) to see the baby. When she stops by at other times let her know it is not a good time for you and/or the baby and you will see her on XX.

OP this is good advice. My MIL was INSANE at first when DC was born (first grandchild). She was so crazy, I had nightmares about her actually STEALING my baby. But I have been really strict about boundaries -- some say I cut my nose off to spite my face, but I do not allow my DC to go to MIL's house without me there, I only let her see DC once a week and I make sure it's structured and that I am in control. It sucks b/c my MIL is so insane that I can't leave my DC alone with her for a variety of reasons -- her physical condition, her mental condition and also just that she is the kind of woman who you give an inch and she takes a mile. So the more time I let her have with DC, the more overbearing and intrusive she becomes. She also does not abide by my parental "rules" and does the opposite of what I instruct or ask her to do. She does weird things like tries to give DC raw meat and coffee and DC is only 1.5 years old!

[Anonymous]

We had the same issue, but oddly with FIL, who even went so far as to call himself "daddy" on occasion!

Your got plenty of advice here, and let me tell you it is SO wonderful when you baby gets to be 12 month -3 years old and definitely wants his mommy. FIL got quite out out when our DS would insist on having mommy. "Mommy do it!" Was my favorite phrase for awhile.

[Anonymous]

^^ hate to say it, but you sound like you are the insane one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had the same issue, but oddly with FIL, who even went so far as to call himself "daddy" on occasion!

Your got plenty of advice here, and let me tell you it is SO wonderful when you baby gets to be 12 month -3 years old and definitely wants his mommy. FIL got quite out out when our DS would insist on having mommy. "Mommy do it!" Was my favorite phrase for awhile.

Yes my MIL was thrown off when my DC started clinging to "mommy" and asking for "mommy". But it helped set some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ hate to say it, but you sound like you are the insane one

you must be one of those people with fairly normal in-laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP this is good advice. My MIL was INSANE at first when DC was born (first grandchild). She was so crazy, I had nightmares about her actually STEALING my baby. But I have been really strict about boundaries -- some say I cut my nose off to spite my face, but I do not allow my DC to go to MIL's house without me there, I only let her see DC once a week and I make sure it's structured and that I am in control. It sucks b/c my MIL is so insane that I can't leave my DC alone with her for a variety of reasons -- her physical condition, her mental condition and also just that she is the kind of woman who you give an inch and she takes a mile. So the more time I let her have with DC, the more overbearing and intrusive she becomes. She also does not abide by my parental "rules" and does the opposite of what I instruct or ask her to do. She does weird things like tries to give DC raw meat and coffee and DC is only 1.5 years old!

Oh, I have a friend whose very own mother is this way. She actually is certifiably nuts. As in narcissistic personality disorder. She'd do the kinds of things you described, and worse. Luckily, my friend had her act together, as did her siblings, and they all set very clear boundaries with her. Never alone time with the grandkids, as soon as something started to go awry everyone left. She'd do things like call her own daughter a whore in front of the grandkids, scream and holler, so they learned to depart at the first sign of a downhill slide (goodbye, everyone, we're leaving! Say goodbye to grandma!). When she visited from afar, she was not allowed to stay with them: only in hotels. I mean, they were pretty strict. Grandmother chafed, but she had no recourse. If she wanted to see the grandkids, thems were the rules. Crazy. I was impressed that my friend still maintained any contact at all with the mum. But as she pointed out, her mum is mentally ill, she's doing the best she knows how, and they managed to contain the crazy so that her evil ways had minimal impact on them. Also the inlaw-children didn't have to do much: the children took responsibility for opening and closing doors.

Of course, this was an extreme situation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha -- do we have the same MIL? i totally get you. once my MIL was giving us some "helpful" advice and i told her, "this is MY baby and i'll do what i want." i defintely got the "if looks could kill" look. it didn't stop anything, but i think it irritated her, which was good enough for me. maybe add a "you had your turn to mother, now it's my turn."
good luck!

What a rude and disrespectful thing to say and what a terrible role model you will be for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha -- do we have the same MIL? i totally get you. once my MIL was giving us some "helpful" advice and i told her, "this is MY baby and i'll do what i want." i defintely got the "if looks could kill" look. it didn't stop anything, but i think it irritated her, which was good enough for me. maybe add a "you had your turn to mother, now it's my turn."
good luck!

What a rude and disrespectful thing to say and what a terrible role model you will be for your child.

you obviously do not have an intrusive In-law! LOL!