I feel like a chump and I'm kind of mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get that it's FIL's hardship. He has his own side business and will remain busy with that. So it's not as if he didn't have a safety net. But yes, I understand that being laid off (sorry about the layer off earlier) is an emotional and often financial hardship (in this case, FIL will be able to devote 100% of his time to his business so no significant loss of income).

My anger is that FIL asked DH to lie to me. And he knows that DH would never do something against their wishes. So no, PP, DH would never have told me.

A few years ago, I quit my job before going back to school. Knowing his parents, I asked DH to not tell them until we could tell them together. He told his parents anyways, without me. That really made me mad. To me, this is just an extension of the fact that his relationship with his parents comes before his with me. And his parents encourage that behavior.

I guess to me, it's not that I should have been told the truth. Its FIL's business to say what he wants to whomever. It's that they shouldn't cause a riff between me and DH by asking DH to lie to me.

OP, I fear you might be correct, and that is a big, red flag. After the dust has settled from this particular incident, I think you need to have a calm discussion with your DH, in which you outline some of these examples (and the other examples I fear you might have) and say what you just said here, the you feel your DH puts his relationship with his parents before his relationship with you. It's not that you are asking him to sever ties, or some kind of "me or them" ultimatum. However, he is an adult now, not a child in their home. He has a life and a family with you now, and that needs to be his priority.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Did DH lie to you or just not correct his dad's story? I think they're two different things.

This doesn't seem to come up often, it seems to be centered around employment (or lack thereof). I mean, they're not asking DH to cover for them on a regular basis, are they? You should find ways not to react to this.

[Anonymous]

P.S. Some spouses find it hard to be their new family ahead of their family of origin. What's the solution? Where's the loyalty? In this example I don't know.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to feel compassion about someone who has actively lied to you. And that is FIL's burden, not yours.

Maybe your in-laws feel you are not truly part of the family because of your relationship with DH and therefore cannot trust and confide in you completely?
Or they think you might run off and tell everybody FIL was fired if you get divorced from DH just to get back at him?
Or that you somehow project a judgmental aura and they dread your reaction?

Oh well. Think about all the other people in the world who appreciate you!

[Anonymous]

PP here, had not read your last post, OP.
Now I think they're the root of the problem with your DH.
Counseling for both of you, to help DH realize that you come first!

[Anonymous]

You're not out of line. MIL asked DH to lie to me once about something she did--going so far as to yell at me because DH told me. It was very early on in our relationship, and it dinged my trust in her permanently.

That said, she did me a favor, because I saw how DH stood up for me. And, while what your ILs are doing to separate you and DH is appalling, what is more appalling is DH going along with it. Start fixing things there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the same time, based on how pissed off you are about this without really being understanding of how THEY, the actual laid off party, feel... I understand why they didn't want to tell you.

You sound judgy and a bit self-centered, really.

Totally disagree. It wasn't about the FIL. OP's concern is and should be with the DH. Her DH made it about her when he deliberately excluded her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get that it's FIL's hardship. He has his own side business and will remain busy with that. So it's not as if he didn't have a safety net. But yes, I understand that being laid off (sorry about the layer off earlier) is an emotional and often financial hardship (in this case, FIL will be able to devote 100% of his time to his business so no significant loss of income).

My anger is that FIL asked DH to lie to me. And he knows that DH would never do something against their wishes. So no, PP, DH would never have told me.

A few years ago, I quit my job before going back to school. Knowing his parents, I asked DH to not tell them until we could tell them together. He told his parents anyways, without me. That really made me mad. To me, this is just an extension of the fact that his relationship with his parents comes before his with me. And his parents encourage that behavior.

I guess to me, it's not that I should have been told the truth. Its FIL's business to say what he wants to whomever. It's that they shouldn't cause a riff between me and DH by asking DH to lie to me.

OK, that's what you are upset about. So stop blaming the IL's for asking DH to lie. DH is accountable for his actions, for what he agreed to keep from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I"d be more pissed at DH than at FIL. I can see why FIL would want to save face. My DH would probably have told him ok, then asked me to pretend...so DH and I would then essentially be complicit.

I can see why you're a bit peeved.

+1

[Anonymous]

Did OP's DH lie or let his father lie?

[Anonymous]

ok OP, i made a snarky comment at your earlier and i take it back, because i applaud you for identifying the root of the problem.

if i were in your shoes, my DH would have told me, i have no doubt. the only time he has kept a secret, he has told me "i can't tell you because i promised my sister i wouldn't, and it's really big and personal"... (turned out to be she was having an affair... but that's besides the point)

he tells me everything. we are partners in crime.
i'm sorry you DH doesn't feel the same. i think it is a problem.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's a problem but how often does it happen? Maybe DH has autonomy issues and acts out through his family since it's easy to justify his behavior. Get thee to a counselor?

[Anonymous]

I was inclined when taking everything at face value to tell you to get over your self.

But after digging deeper than FIL trying to save his reputation I can see how DH lying is problematic.

He probably should have just told you the truth and let you know that FIL is really embarassed and doesnt want anyone to know and then DH probably should have told you to play along and act like you think FIL has retired.

It doesnt seem that this is a HUGE secret. So if he lies to you about something this small I can see how it is upsetting and could drive an even further wedge between you and him.

[Anonymous]

You are responsible for the rift OP.

Sorry, but you are refusing to let this go. You are being accusatory and pitting your husband against his parents and being intrusive into a situation which obviously bothers you FIL very much. You are out of line and not respecting other people in the name of not being taken for granted. Sounds like you just like being mad at your husband and his parents to me.

[Anonymous]

Also, flip it, OP. Have compassion for DH. It's hard for him to be put in the middle, by your or his dad. Think about it on those terms, and maybe it won't feel so bad? (I'm a PP who had issues like this with my now ex.)