division of labor chart? (not a chore chart, but everything).

[Anonymous]

This trail is very interesting, though I have the opposite problem. Other than food shopping, cooking and medical bills (most of which she does), I take care of almost verything else. She has little ability to get our 3 up in the am or down in the pm. What is worse is that she then complains about doing so much. No, I probably do not thank her enough for wonderful meals, etc, but I generally do not expect nor require thanks for my efforts. I do what needs to be done, because it needs to be done. Then, when the kids are in bed, she wants to talk. At that point, I am either too tired, have things to complete, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I feel like I wrote this tonite because you sound just like me except I mostly SAH [I WAH about 12 hrs/wk]. I was just thinking I needed an, as you put it, everything chart too. In fact, one of the reasons I haven't returned to WOH FT is because I know none of the division of labor will change. Sorry I don't have advice, but you have my support.

Except, you SAH, so the things she describes is explicitly part of your job description.

Yeah, I knew someone would say that. But some things are NOT part of the SAH job description. Namely:

"literally find DH's dirty socks under the dining room table every morning, and am constantly putting things away that he takes out but forgets to put back. When he takes the kids out, he leaves bags of random stuff around the house and in the car--diapers, half eaten bagels, dirty clothes, dirty bottles, and doesn't put this stuff away. " -I clean the house but I'm not a freaking maid.

"DH will just pile up papers and bags for weeks. I've tried ignoring it, but I can't stand living like that and its embarrassing when people come over." -See comment above.

"Sometimes I am too tired to cook and he will make himself a sandwich---not offer to cook for me." -On the weekends, it shouldn't be my job alone to feed everyone.

"he never says thank you or acknowledges all that I do (yes, I acknowledge what he does)." -Common decency.

"Sometimes it is 10pm and I am finishing up dishes and settling down to work and he is snoozing on the couch and I want to fucking deck him because I would like to be snoozing on the couch, but I had to make dinner, clean up, do bills and then sit down to work." -After DH gets home from work [which is when I work], everything should be fair division of labor.

And yeah, thanks for contributing nothing to this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also feel like I could've written this. It's so infuriating.

+1

[Anonymous]

He does sound like a dick. I also have a husband with very low expectations of himself but somehow he holds all others to a higher standard. Its like if his performance is a 6 he thinks its a 9. If someone elses performance is a 6 he thinks its 4 or 5. So annoying.

[Anonymous]

OP--do you think you husband could have Attention Deficit Disorder, or is this behavior passive aggressive?

[Anonymous]

Monthly Marriage Performance Evaluations are needed.

[Anonymous]

DH most definitely has ADD, knows it and has sort of started treatment, but only the medication part which helps the focus at work, but he has not taken any of the steps for organization or read any of the books about the dynamics of ADD and relationships or done any of the suggested things to create stucture--and I am tired of asking him to do it.

We tried counseling, but he didnt get along with the counselor--basically got into arugments with the counselor, thought the counselor wsa taking 'my side' and preferred arguing with the counselor than working through our issues.
Yesterday, I made a list of all the household and family chores and responsibilities--basically everything we do for the house or family. There were 36 things on it, ranging from stuff we do daily (breakfast dishes, sweep floors) to occasoinally (pay bills, do taxes, sort through closets). Of that list of 36 items, DH and I regularly split 5 of them, he does one almost exclusively (garbage), and I do the other 30. I sent it and said that things were imbalanced, and that I wanted to work with him to find a better balance and find things that he can take on that fit with his strengths and weaknesses; that I was increasingly angry and it was affecting our marriage, our kids and my health and that I didn't want this to kill the love we have for each other.

We'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH most definitely has ADD, knows it and has sort of started treatment, but only the medication part which helps the focus at work, but he has not taken any of the steps for organization or read any of the books about the dynamics of ADD and relationships or done any of the suggested things to create stucture--and I am tired of asking him to do it.

We tried counseling, but he didnt get along with the counselor--basically got into arugments with the counselor, thought the counselor wsa taking 'my side' and preferred arguing with the counselor than working through our issues.
Yesterday, I made a list of all the household and family chores and responsibilities--basically everything we do for the house or family. There were 36 things on it, ranging from stuff we do daily (breakfast dishes, sweep floors) to occasoinally (pay bills, do taxes, sort through closets). Of that list of 36 items, DH and I regularly split 5 of them, he does one almost exclusively (garbage), and I do the other 30. I sent it and said that things were imbalanced, and that I wanted to work with him to find a better balance and find things that he can take on that fit with his strengths and weaknesses; that I was increasingly angry and it was affecting our marriage, our kids and my health and that I didn't want this to kill the love we have for each other.

We'll see.

Well done OP. Sounds like a good starting point and a movement in the right direction.

My husband has ADD (so do two of my kids). Chores charts and daily to do lists help tremendously. They are non-verbal reminders so he doesn't feel lectured or nagged. Coming up with a basket system (I have a basket for DH's wallet, keys, work badge - stuff he tends to empty off him as he walks through the door) helps with organization. Takes time to adjust to the new routine but after a while an ADD person usually grasps the concepts when they see how much better their lives are with the structure. You can also ask your DH to consider talking to his doctor about adjusting his meds. He might need a higher dosage or longer lasting (slow release type) meds. My husband has had good luck with a slow release form of Concerta.

[Anonymous]

of all the things you wrote the thing that would drive me crazy is him sitting on the couch while I do stuff. In our home we're both doing something productive until the stuff that NEEDS to be done is finished and then we both can sit on the couch. The key is to agree on what NEEDS to be done and not would IDEALLY be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you, having been in a similar situation (& it sounds like we may have similar, take-charge, personalities). I used to be frustrated a lot of the time, but we’ve moved past that so I hope to share some helpful advice.

One thing that helped DH and I a LOT was for me to hand over some domains to him. We started really small - but it started to make a difference - knowing that I don't have to spend any time at all thinking about changing the AC or water filters, buying gas or cleaning the grill, etc. We moved on to bigger things, he's now 100% in charge of the cars, all maintainence appointments (i used to schedule them & bring the cars in, despite the shop being 2 miles from his office).

Yes, if we wrote out a chart, I'd still have more on my list. But I have to be completely honest with myself, I wouldn't be comfortable having him buy the kids clothes, handle our budget, or make our travel plans - I'm too controlling for that. And he knows it - after years of trying to help only to be snapped at that he spent $50 on a kids shirt that should have cost $10, or loading the dishwasher wrong, or whatever - he stopped trying to help.

Another important thing to realize, is that you care about things he doesn’t. He would be fine with a cluttered bathroom (and it’s not really a health hazard, so in reality everyone would be fine in a cluttered bathroom). It drives YOU nuts, so you have to be the one to organize it – it’s not fair to put that on the list of things that you do for the family, you do it for yourself (just like I scrub the silver wear drawer ever week )

Find things that you can give him control over, and then really do it and don't think about it anymore. I don't nag (even though I'm tempted to), if the oil change seems to be scheduled later than it's supposed to - that's his deal.

Be honest with yourself - did you have a hand in creating this? Recognize that you may be happier in charge of a larger share of the labor and he knows you well enough to know that.

Ding! Ding! Ding! In my experience, the women who complain that they're carrying 90% of the load generally commit two very big errors:

1) They often overlook the things their husband actually does. Either they don't notice them/take them for granted or don't value those contributions. For example, my DH spends several hours doing yard work most Spring/Summer weekend days. Now that the kids are older, he has them out working with him. There's mowing, edging, watering, raking, weeding, reseeding, aerating, mulching. We could outsource that stuff, sure, but it would be very expensive. Plus he feels, as a matter of principle, that this is one of the responsibilities of homeownership. That's literally several hours every weekend, probably 35 weekends a year. DH also makes the kids' lunches every day and keeps up on the supplies/menus for that. Plus, he gives them breakfast and still prepares some dinners, so in reality he probably prepares 75% of the meals, even though it feels like I'm the one always making dinner. He cleans the kitchen although like OP, he also thinks a gremlin will clean the hand-washables!). He does bathrooms once a week. The trash is always at the curb. He makes sure the cooler gets out for milk delivery every week. etc. etc.

2) They criticize the WAY their husbands do things. My DH used to do laundry. Then he stopped. I got mad, asked him why I always was doing laundry, and his response was: I got tired of being criticized for the way I did it, being told I ruined this shirt or I should separate by hues, not just darks and whites. So, I stopped doing laundry. There are other tasks he no longer does because, why bother?

I needed to read that. I am that wife who criticizes how DH does stuff. But seriously, who considers a pot clean when he only cleans the inside, ignoring the exterior and the handle? Who considers the bed "made" when the sheet is all in a bunch in the middle and the comforter is on all crooked? He claims he just doesn't do stuff "MY way" or the way "I want" but honestly, in a poll of 10 people I am sure the majority would agree with me.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you ask the nanny to clean beyond picking up after the kids while she's there, kids' laundry and bedrooms, please pay her more.