Reply to division of labor chart? (not a chore chart, but everything).

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I sympathize with you, having been in a similar situation (& it sounds like we may have similar, take-charge, personalities).   I used to be frustrated a lot of the time, but we’ve moved past that so I hope to share some helpful advice.

One thing that helped DH and I a LOT was for me to hand over some domains to him.  We started really small - but it started to make a difference - knowing that I don't have to spend any time at all thinking about changing the AC or water filters, buying gas or cleaning the grill, etc.   We moved on to bigger things, he's now 100% in charge of the cars, all maintainence appointments (i used to schedule them & bring the cars in, despite the shop being 2 miles from his office).

Yes, if we wrote out a chart, I'd still have more on my list.  But I have to be completely honest with myself, I wouldn't be comfortable having him buy the kids clothes, handle our budget, or make our travel plans - I'm too controlling for that.   And he knows it - [b]after years of trying to help only to be snapped at that he spent $50 on a kids shirt that should have cost $10, or loading the dishwasher wrong, or whatever - he stopped trying to help.[/b]

Another important thing to realize, is that you care about things he doesn’t.  He would be fine with a cluttered bathroom (and it’s not really a health hazard, so in reality everyone would be fine in a cluttered bathroom).  It drives YOU nuts, so you have to be the one to organize it – it’s not fair to put that on the list of things that you do for the family, you do it for yourself (just like I scrub the silver wear drawer ever week ;))

Find things that you can give him control over, and then really do it and don't think about it anymore.  I don't nag (even though I'm tempted to), if the oil change seems to be scheduled later than it's supposed to - that's his deal. 
 
Be honest with yourself - did you have a hand in creating this?  Recognize that you may be happier in charge of a larger share of the labor and he knows you well enough to know that.

[/quote]

Ding! Ding! Ding! In my experience, the women who complain that they're carrying 90% of the load generally commit two very big errors:

1) They often overlook the things their husband actually does. Either they don't notice them/take them for granted or don't value those contributions. For example, my DH spends several hours doing yard work most Spring/Summer  weekend days. Now that the kids are older, he has them out working with him. There's mowing, edging, watering, raking, weeding, reseeding, aerating, mulching. We could outsource that stuff, sure, but it would be very expensive. Plus he feels, as a matter of principle, that this is one of the responsibilities of homeownership. That's literally several hours every weekend, probably 35 weekends a year. DH also makes the kids' lunches every day and keeps up on the supplies/menus for that. Plus, he gives them breakfast and still prepares some dinners, so in reality he probably prepares 75% of the meals, even though it feels like I'm the one always making dinner. He cleans the kitchen although like OP, he also thinks a gremlin will clean the hand-washables!). He does bathrooms once a week. The trash is always at the curb. He makes sure the cooler gets out for milk delivery every week. etc. etc.

2) They criticize the WAY their husbands do things. My DH used to do laundry. Then he stopped. I got mad, asked him why I always was doing laundry, and his response was: I got tired of being criticized for the way I did it, being told I ruined this shirt or I should separate by hues, not just darks and whites. So, I stopped doing laundry. There are other tasks he no longer does because, why bother?[/quote]

I needed to read that.  I am that wife who criticizes how DH does stuff.  But seriously, who considers a pot clean when he only cleans the inside, ignoring the exterior and the handle?  Who considers the bed "made" when the sheet is all in a bunch in the middle and the comforter is on all crooked?  He claims he just doesn't do stuff "MY way" or the way "I want" but honestly, in a poll of 10 people I am sure the majority would agree with me.[/quote]

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