Am I being unreasonable (question about time with grandparents)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have made the decision that there is something more important than seeing their grandkids every single Sunday. And now they ask you - adults, with jobs, families, and other responsibilities, to conform YOUR schedules around THEIR activities? And pout when you don't? No effin' way. If you have a free Saturday and want to see them, fine, and sure, schedule some time with them. But I certainly wouldn't limit my or my kids' activities because my parents are selfish.

OP again. This is how I feel! But the way they present it is like it's assumed that we need to change our plans, since theirs are religious and obviously more important than having little Johnny go to a friend's birthday party. There's definitely a sense that their plans are more important than ours, because admittedly, we don't go to church or do any religious activities. And the underlying subtext is that we *could* spend Sunday with them, if we wanted to go to Sunday school, church services, etc.

Ugh. They are being awfully difficult. It sounds like you see them pretty regularly. I think you and DH need to treat your life as if it is normal--because it is. Treat their unrealistic expectations just as they are--unrealistic! DH might need to have a little one on one with them saying he's noticed their displeasure, but given the logistics of your lives and theirs, you think you're all doing the best you can and you're happy to see them when you can (I doubt you could say that with a straight face, so let him do it). Set for you and DH your own standard of minimum frequency of visits (once a month?) and if you're meeting that standard, all else is gravy no matter how much they complain.

My ILs live three hours away and would like to see us once a month. It's a bit much.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this.
Why does there have to be a standing date, a particular time...a specific committment?
Folks drop over and/or meetup when it works...sometimes they may call on wed and see if u can meet for dinner or pick the kids up from school, sometimes u make plans for 2 weeks from saturday to have dinner at such and such place.
Is it really that deep to them to have a specific time?
Isn't it family...which means there is more flexibility and less pressure?
Heck, my mom lives 3 hours away and we've met halfway for dinner...we each drove and hour...and this was a bit of a last minute idea...
But having said that I do understand that everyone's family and family dynamics are different.
Just do what you want...make an effort to make specific plans when it works for everyone...but dont' be pressured.
Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

So is religion the real issue here? Do they want you to attend church with them ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have made the decision that there is something more important than seeing their grandkids every single Sunday. And now they ask you - adults, with jobs, families, and other responsibilities, to conform YOUR schedules around THEIR activities? And pout when you don't? No effin' way. If you have a free Saturday and want to see them, fine, and sure, schedule some time with them. But I certainly wouldn't limit my or my kids' activities because my parents are selfish.

OP again. This is how I feel! But the way they present it is like it's assumed that we need to change our plans, since theirs are religious and obviously more important than having little Johnny go to a friend's birthday party. There's definitely a sense that their plans are more important than ours, because admittedly, we don't go to church or do any religious activities. And the underlying subtext is that we *could* spend Sunday with them, if we wanted to go to Sunday school, church services, etc.

Are they retired? If they are, maybe their Sunday activities are very important to them. It works both ways. Be happy you have grandparents who care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have made the decision that there is something more important than seeing their grandkids every single Sunday. And now they ask you - adults, with jobs, families, and other responsibilities, to conform YOUR schedules around THEIR activities? And pout when you don't? No effin' way. If you have a free Saturday and want to see them, fine, and sure, schedule some time with them. But I certainly wouldn't limit my or my kids' activities because my parents are selfish.

OP again. This is how I feel! But the way they present it is like it's assumed that we need to change our plans, since theirs are religious and obviously more important than having little Johnny go to a friend's birthday party. There's definitely a sense that their plans are more important than ours, because admittedly, we don't go to church or do any religious activities. And the underlying subtext is that we *could* spend Sunday with them, if we wanted to go to Sunday school, church services, etc.

Are they retired? If they are, maybe their Sunday activities are very important to them. It works both ways. Be happy you have grandparents who care.

Yup, you should always allow people to manipulate you and control you because at least you have someone that cares about you!!! Set your scehdule and if it works out that they get to see you it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have made the decision that there is something more important than seeing their grandkids every single Sunday. And now they ask you - adults, with jobs, families, and other responsibilities, to conform YOUR schedules around THEIR activities? And pout when you don't? No effin' way. If you have a free Saturday and want to see them, fine, and sure, schedule some time with them. But I certainly wouldn't limit my or my kids' activities because my parents are selfish.

OP again. This is how I feel! But the way they present it is like it's assumed that we need to change our plans, since theirs are religious and obviously more important than having little Johnny go to a friend's birthday party. There's definitely a sense that their plans are more important than ours, because admittedly, we don't go to church or do any religious activities. And the underlying subtext is that we *could* spend Sunday with them, if we wanted to go to Sunday school, church services, etc.

Are they retired? If they are, maybe their Sunday activities are very important to them. It works both ways. Be happy you have grandparents who care.

Yup, you should always allow people to manipulate you and control you because at least you have someone that cares about you!!! Set your scehdule and if it works out that they get to see you it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

The grandparents aren't allowed to have a schedule of their own?

[Anonymous]

I think their inflexibility is weird. My parents would have change dtheir schedule or do whatever it took to see my kids including curtailing an entire Sunday of church events (that consumed an hour of their Sunday and they would take the kids with them). Unfortunately, my father died too young and that has changed the plans. Everyone deals with different things I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have made the decision that there is something more important than seeing their grandkids every single Sunday. And now they ask you - adults, with jobs, families, and other responsibilities, to conform YOUR schedules around THEIR activities? And pout when you don't? No effin' way. If you have a free Saturday and want to see them, fine, and sure, schedule some time with them. But I certainly wouldn't limit my or my kids' activities because my parents are selfish.

OP again. This is how I feel! But the way they present it is like it's assumed that we need to change our plans, since theirs are religious and obviously more important than having little Johnny go to a friend's birthday party. There's definitely a sense that their plans are more important than ours, because admittedly, we don't go to church or do any religious activities. And the underlying subtext is that we *could* spend Sunday with them, if we wanted to go to Sunday school, church services, etc.

Are they retired? If they are, maybe their Sunday activities are very important to them. It works both ways. Be happy you have grandparents who care.

Yup, you should always allow people to manipulate you and control you because at least you have someone that cares about you!!! Set your scehdule and if it works out that they get to see you it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

The grandparents aren't allowed to have a schedule of their own?

Different poster here. Of course the grandparents can have a schedule. But they can't expect OP to organize her family's schedules around their schedule, and the grandparents don't get to pout or be bitchy about it. OP, what about Sunday dinner after all the church activities? Can you break down their Sunday for us, so we understand how they are booked all morning, noon, and night?

[Anonymous]

Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were fe
dead and I envied my friends their grandparents. Work with them as these memories will be so important to your children and they won't be around forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have made the decision that there is something more important than seeing their grandkids every single Sunday. And now they ask you - adults, with jobs, families, and other responsibilities, to conform YOUR schedules around THEIR activities? And pout when you don't? No effin' way. If you have a free Saturday and want to see them, fine, and sure, schedule some time with them. But I certainly wouldn't limit my or my kids' activities because my parents are selfish.

OP again. This is how I feel! But the way they present it is like it's assumed that we need to change our plans, since theirs are religious and obviously more important than having little Johnny go to a friend's birthday party. There's definitely a sense that their plans are more important than ours, because admittedly, we don't go to church or do any religious activities. And the underlying subtext is that we *could* spend Sunday with them, if we wanted to go to Sunday school, church services, etc.

Are they retired? If they are, maybe their Sunday activities are very important to them. It works both ways. Be happy you have grandparents who care.

Yup, you should always allow people to manipulate you and control you because at least you have someone that cares about you!!! Set your scehdule and if it works out that they get to see you it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

The grandparents aren't allowed to have a schedule of their own?

Your response makes no sense. OP is allowed to have a schedule and the grandparents are allowed to have a schedule. If it works out that both of them have a mutally agreeable time to meet then great! But OP shouldn't be held hostage to the grandparents schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were fe
dead and I envied my friends their grandparents. Work with them as these memories will be so important to your children and they won't be around forever.

Sorry that experience scarref you but it still doesn't mean that that the granparents get the ultimate say so as to how the vistis happen or when they happe. Working with them is alot different then the grandparents set times and expect OP to drop everything to meet them at those times.

[Anonymous]

Your response makes no sense. OP is allowed to have a schedule and the grandparents are allowed to have a schedule. If it works out that both of them have a mutally agreeable time to meet then great! But OP shouldn't be held hostage to the grandparents schedule.

Oh please, no one is being "held hostage." OP said the grandparents just moved here. They are involved in their church and that is what they do on Sunday. Be glad they have something to do with their time.

No one needs to analyze the grandparent's Sunday schedule as someone else suggested, and second guess what the grandparents should do. Show some flexibility to the grandparents and compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your response makes no sense. OP is allowed to have a schedule and the grandparents are allowed to have a schedule. If it works out that both of them have a mutally agreeable time to meet then great! But OP shouldn't be held hostage to the grandparents schedule.

Oh please, no one is being "held hostage." OP said the grandparents just moved here. They are involved in their church and that is what they do on Sunday. Be glad they have something to do with their time.

No one needs to analyze the grandparent's Sunday schedule as someone else suggested, and second guess what the grandparents should do. Show some flexibility to the grandparents and compromise.

You're not suggesting compromise, you're suggesting caving in. Compromise is a bilateral arrangement - the grandparents need to give a bit as well. Fine if OP makes the first step (but it sounds like she has - scheduling things with them and giving up other activities), but if they continue to complain and be passive-agrgessive without meeting her halfway, then I wouldn't be inclined to accommodate them as much either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were fe
dead and I envied my friends their grandparents. Work with them as these memories will be so important to your children and they won't be around forever.

Sorry that experience scarref you but it still doesn't mean that that the granparents get the ultimate say so as to how the vistis happen or when they happe. Working with them is alot different then the grandparents set times and expect OP to drop everything to meet them at those times.[/quote)
te]


I didn't say I was scarred, simply that I wished that I had had grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were dead and I envied my friends their grandparents. Work with them as these memories will be so important to your children and they won't be around forever.

I have a problem with responses like this.

Just because someone is a grandparent doesn't automatically make them a great person for their grandchildren to be around. Some grandparents are downright toxic. "Because they could be dead someday" is not a good reason to play passive-agressive bullshit games.