Am I being unreasonable (question about time with grandparents)?
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Anonymous
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In-laws recently moved to the area and now all 4 grandparents are local and try to see us and our children at least every other week. ILs have a commitment every single Sunday that takes up the entire day. If we want to see them, it must be on Saturday. Which is fine, but they act very put out if we (or even the kids) make plans with friends on Saturday, since it means they won't see us that weekend. In the past, I have tried to plan around them, but it's meant that we don't see friends nearly as often as we would like. Most people seem to spend time with their own families on Sundays and with friends on Friday/Saturday.
Moving forward, I just feel like making we should make our own plans. If we're free on Saturday, great. It sounds fine in theory, but I know ILs will be very upset when they realize that my parents are seeing us much more often than they are. (They are much more flexible and just pop in for an hour whenever it's convenient for us.) Should we keep going out of our way to see them, or should we just let them deal? They're fairly passive aggressive and will continue to be. |
Anonymous
| I think you should make plans with them on a regular basis, just like you're making plans to see your friends. It doesn't have to be every Saturday. But you should treat them with kindness/courtesy and make plans so that they can count on the fact that they are going to see their grandchildren on a regular basis. It's great that it works out well for the other grandparents to see them on a more flexible/last minute schedule. But that doesn't work for everyone. |
Anonymous
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Well, I think they need to be flexible as well. They have something they do every single Sunday that lasts the entire day? That they can't, every once in awhile, miss so they can see their grandchildren? I'm curious - what in the world is it?
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - all parties need to show some flexibility, which it sounds like you have been doing. They need to do the same. |
Anonymous
| Why are they unavailable all day on one of only two weekend days?? You should see them regularly but not feel like you can't make other plans on Sat. Why can't they come for weekday dinner in weeks where they don't see you on the weekend? They need to be a little flexible and also not expect you to organize your every Sat. around them. Yes, they are a factor but they don't get to monopolize your Saturdays! |
Anonymous
| Do you have to spend the whole day with them? Why can't you see them on a Saturday for a couple hours and also have plans with friends later that day. I also don't thonk you need to commit to every Saturday. And can't you occasionally go out to dinner with them on a weekday or Friday night? |
Anonymous
| Put it in their hands. "We seem to have opposite schedules. The kids have (birthday parties, sports games, dance lessons, school activities) on Saturday that keep us tied up and then on Sundays you both have (XX) that takes up your whole day. If we want to get together, we're going to have to find some time in between." See what they suggest. Remind them that your parents make time mid-week and see if they take the hint. |
Anonymous
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My grandparents used to drive 45 minutes to come meet us for breakfast at a diner every Sunday morning for two hours.
They'd sometimes come out for dinner on a weeknight too. Why can't the in-laws just meet up with you for dinner during the week? I don't play passive-aggressive bullshit, with anyone. |
Anonymous
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Do not play along with passive aggressive nonsense. It only feeds the monster. Offer a standing weeknight dinner. Go ahead and make your weekend plans with friends, errands, soccer, birthday parties, shopping or just sitting around with your kids and spouse. If ILs invite you to do something AND you're available on Sat AND you're up for it, then go.
One more thing--make DH be the one to communicate this. His parents, his job. Do not put yourself in the position of being "Dr. No." |
Anonymous
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Agree with much of the above. And I don't know how old your kids are, but it's only going to get worse as they get older and have more activities.
We do Sunday might dinner with the grandparents every other week. Your in laws can't find a two hour block on Sunday here or there? I'd also love to know what takes their entire day. But if it's not possible, maybe a new tradition of Friday or Wednesday, etc. or they can come see your kids' games or swim meets. |
Anonymous
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First, I think it's fabulous that all four grandparents want to be involved in your childrens' lives. That's huge and something that many people lack. That being said, yep, I do think they are probably being a bit unreasonable in their expectations.
PPs have given a few ideas. How old are the kids? Do they ever have an interest in spending the night at grandparents' house? Fun for them, free time for you. Invite grandparents to soccer games or other activities that would let them see the kids and have some involvement in their lives, but it doesn't take up any more time on your side. Schedule time with them the way you do plans with friends. Friday nights. Sunday afternoon/early evening dinner together after their commitment. And, yes, have DH gently remind them that it is their schedule that is just as much an impediment as your schedule. Obviously, don't do this if it's a mandatory chemotherapy appointment or something instead of morning church followed by bible study followed by fellowship social.... |
Anonymous
| It isn't immediately clear to me why you don't just drop the kids off at their grandparents and go do what you want to do as adults? It's not like it's YOU they want to see, KWIM? |
Anonymous
I'm guessing it's something church-related. Most likely up early for Sunday School, then services, then fellowship hour, then some sort of activity into the afternoon. Some churches are like this. OP may be exaggerating -- maybe they're freed up by, say, 4 p.m. or so, but if the children are young and go to bed early, that can feel like the entire day to her. |
Anonymous
| They have made the decision that there is something more important than seeing their grandkids every single Sunday. And now they ask you - adults, with jobs, families, and other responsibilities, to conform YOUR schedules around THEIR activities? And pout when you don't? No effin' way. If you have a free Saturday and want to see them, fine, and sure, schedule some time with them. But I certainly wouldn't limit my or my kids' activities because my parents are selfish. |
Anonymous
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OP here - thanks for all the feedback. Glad to hear that I'm not crazy.
To clarify, when I say local, I mean that everyone is about a 30 minute drive, no traffic. With DC traffic, weeknight dinners are tough. We drop the kids off with my parents for overnights. ILs want to spend as much time with me and DH as with the kids (but on their schedule...) and also aren't that attentive when they are in charge of the kids. We do overnights with them too, but they don't seem to count as time spent together because we aren't there(!!). Their Sundays are filled with church-related activities (including some social) until 5-6 pm. It's certainly not all necessary. Meeting later than that isn't ideal for us, as we need to get ready for the week. We are lucky that the issue is that they want to spend time with us, so I guess I should appreciate that. |
Anonymous
OP again. This is how I feel! But the way they present it is like it's assumed that we need to change our plans, since theirs are religious and obviously more important than having little Johnny go to a friend's birthday party. There's definitely a sense that their plans are more important than ours, because admittedly, we don't go to church or do any religious activities. And the underlying subtext is that we *could* spend Sunday with them, if we wanted to go to Sunday school, church services, etc. |