This Saturday is the first anniversary of my SIL's death -- need coping advice

[Anonymous]

If you think the kids are disruptive, then get a sitter or stay home. It is sad that the family considers the normal behavior of a toddler and her mother to be disruptive.

I hope you do find a coping strategy other than drinking a bottle of wine before the ceremony.

OP, no one deals with death well. No one. Some people may deal with death differently than you, but it is very hard for everyone. Crying is a pretty normal reaction to death. Drinking a bottle of wine to cope with the gathering is neither helpful or normal.

[Anonymous]

I just don't get what you're asking here. You're going to be emotional? Or you don't want the stink eye? You don't like the deceased SIL's husband, nor her son, so you won't focus on them. So what are you focusing on? Why would you be over emotional?

And for anyone saying skip it, come on. A family member dies, and you don't have the common courtesy to step outside your life for one stinking day and memorialize her? Or, even, gasp the horror TWO days out of the year? That will get you in trouble with the inlaws more than anything else (and deservedly so).

Bring some sort of bribery item for the toddler (I don't care if it's M&Ms, whatever works, and bring plenty of it!) and play the role you're supposed to play in the family with some level of grace and dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming OP is for real and not whomever CL is, say this:

Honey, I really prefer to spend the day thinking of Sally and not whether the children with disrupt the service. It was so distracting for me during the birthday remembrance. Please go and convey my condolences to everyone. I know it will be a beautiful service, and I hate to miss it but realize the kids will be a distraction for everyone, including me. During naptime, I will have a nice quiet block of time without the kids to say my prayers for Sally and remember the many sweet things I held dear about her.

+1 Stay home with the kids. Let DH go participate.

I get the sense this is a bit of a "forced march" for you. Did you get together for SIL's birthday when she was alive? How often did you see BIL and SIL? Were you close? Does DH want to do all these things? What is your relationship with BIL and nephew like now? What do you foresee it being? It sounds like everyone is still in the transition phase, but a new normal is coming. Figure out what you want your role to be.