This Saturday is the first anniversary of my SIL's death -- need coping advice

[Anonymous]

She was the eldest of the family and died of a heart attack at 46 -- leaving a 15 year old and her DH of the same time frame... BIL seems to be coping but we have a toddler and a newborn so aren't as involved in family matters (we are all local) as we could...

I do not do well with death. It's just who I am.. DH's family are stoic's which kills me because my family growing up was the same way... for some reason I got the "emotion" gene and I cry. NO.ONE.ELSE.CRIES.

When we went to the cemetery for SIL's Bday this past June I got evil eyes from the family for letting the toddler wander and not "participating"... IMO SIL knows how I feel about her in spirit and I don't need to make a big show.

But I am dreading this weekend and am trying to come up with coping strategies that don't involve me drinking a bottle of wine before the event.

Vent over -- flame away (and yes, I know I have a drinking problem.. that's not the issue here so please don't go there)

[Anonymous]

OP - will there be an actual event that you wil attend? or are you just unsure of how to open up to your DH about how you feel re: the anniversary?

Either way, you need to be yourelf. Cry your eyes out and WHO gives a shit about what anyone else thinks. They should find solice in the fact that you loved her enough that you are still greatly touched by her death.

I too come from a COLD family. and we are Italian! go explain that one!

[Anonymous]

Try to focus on the needs of others -- your BIL and nephew -- rather than your own feelings.

[Anonymous]

Ditto 19:36, focus your energy on BIL and nephew.

[Anonymous]

um..you randomly mention having a drinking problem and then please ask us to "not go there"?

drinking problems always complicate other problems. always.

[Anonymous]

PP I am OP -- yes, there will be a gathering at the cemetery where we will be expected to write "love notes" and attach to helium balloons then let them go. Then there will be testimonials I'm sure...

This was the course of events at her birthday anniversary in June when she would have turned 47... at that time we had a 2.2 month old and a six month old so it fell to me to keep the toddler occupied and the baby quiet... I literally got the sink eye because our toddler DD wanted to let her balloon go early.

As background, DH is second oldest yet we are the last to have kids... so his other younger three siblings have kids ranging from 6-16 while we have the 28 month old and eight month old...

My plan is to again wander while the preaching / praying is going on so at least DH can participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ditto 19:36, focus your energy on BIL and nephew.

OP here... don't like BIL; he is the youngest of five and used to getting his way and very demanding of everyone catering to him. Nephew is a not acknowledged or talked about but very spoiled special needs child.

But I acknowledge maybe I am not as understanding as I should be and will try to keep that in mind... thank you.

[Anonymous]

So... what is your concern, exactly? That you will cry? That you will be criticized for letting your toddler wander during the event?

You sound incredibly self-absorbed. Nephew is "not acknowledged" and a spoiled special needs child? This kid lost his mother; your BIL lost his wife. Have a little compassion and don't presume you understand what they're going through.

[Anonymous]

CL, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Get a sitter for your children so you are not trying to wrangle them or stay home with them yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CL, is that you?

If so, she still doesn't have "stink eye" down...

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, jus wow

[Anonymous]

Assuming OP is for real and not whomever CL is, say this:

Honey, I really prefer to spend the day thinking of Sally and not whether the children with disrupt the service. It was so distracting for me during the birthday remembrance. Please go and convey my condolences to everyone. I know it will be a beautiful service, and I hate to miss it but realize the kids will be a distraction for everyone, including me. During naptime, I will have a nice quiet block of time without the kids to say my prayers for Sally and remember the many sweet things I held dear about her.

[Anonymous]

Aren't you worried the family will be reading this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CL, is that you?

LOL! I thought the exact same thing! I am sure she could just say that her psoriasis will make it so that she is unable to make it to the service.