what do teenager children do to make you mad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Balance tough love -- reasonable limits clearly stated and enforced firmly, but without lecturing or personal attacks -- with letting them know that you believe in them. Get to know their culture and their friends -- not by snooping, but through genuine interest. Ask their opinions about things -- politics, books, movies, school policies, etc. Respect them, but expect them to respect you as well. When things get tough, walk away for a while and find your own means of escape -- running, yoga, funny movies.

My children are in college. Snooping is needed. Otherwise you are not going to know the real life of your kids. Nor their friends.

I'm the PP you quoted. We also have 2 in college, 1 going this fall and 1 starting HS. We've never snooped; we have, however, driven many carpools and made it easy for our kids to have friends over to our place. As a result without "snooping", we have heard a lot about what's going on in our kids' lives. Also, we have made it a point to get to know other parents and to be on that grapevine.

[Anonymous]

Dad here w/2 daughters, 16 & 12. 12 yr old is a pretty good kid, does a little mischief now & then. Older girl is a punk. Disrespectful, slothful, lazy in every way. Smart kid, has all the intelligence in the world but refuses to use a grain of it. We do what we can with her/for her but living with her is 80% grief, like "where did I go so wrong?". She has gone through dozens of friends, most of them don't stick, they get tired of her aggressive behavior. If she stays like this, she gets kicked out of the house the day following HS graduation; if she manages to graduate. If not, soon after her 18th birthday. She can live on the street in a cardboard box. Sometimes I think if she were to run away, I would not look too hard for her. I would report her missing. I sure hate thinking that way about my kid. I'd love nothing better than to have back the sweet child she was for a short time. I hope that girl comes back. No, I have not been a perfect Dad either. I'd like to make some things up to her, given the chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here w/2 daughters, 16 & 12. 12 yr old is a pretty good kid, does a little mischief now & then. Older girl is a punk. Disrespectful, slothful, lazy in every way. Smart kid, has all the intelligence in the world but refuses to use a grain of it. We do what we can with her/for her but living with her is 80% grief, like "where did I go so wrong?". She has gone through dozens of friends, most of them don't stick, they get tired of her aggressive behavior. If she stays like this, she gets kicked out of the house the day following HS graduation; if she manages to graduate. If not, soon after her 18th birthday. She can live on the street in a cardboard box. Sometimes I think if she were to run away, I would not look too hard for her. I would report her missing. I sure hate thinking that way about my kid. I'd love nothing better than to have back the sweet child she was for a short time. I hope that girl comes back. No, I have not been a perfect Dad either. I'd like to make some things up to her, given the chance.

Very interesting post (seriously, not judging). When did her behavior/attitude go down hill? Has she always been difficult, or one day when she was 15.25 did she do a complete change? When you say that you have not been a perfect dad, what are your biggest parenting regrets? Not saying it is your fault, just really curious and hoping that my daughter avoids the same path. She is 15.5. Am I "in the clear," as she is a pretty good kid right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here w/2 daughters, 16 & 12. 12 yr old is a pretty good kid, does a little mischief now & then. Older girl is a punk. Disrespectful, slothful, lazy in every way. Smart kid, has all the intelligence in the world but refuses to use a grain of it. We do what we can with her/for her but living with her is 80% grief, like "where did I go so wrong?". She has gone through dozens of friends, most of them don't stick, they get tired of her aggressive behavior. If she stays like this, she gets kicked out of the house the day following HS graduation; if she manages to graduate. If not, soon after her 18th birthday. She can live on the street in a cardboard box. Sometimes I think if she were to run away, I would not look too hard for her. I would report her missing. I sure hate thinking that way about my kid. I'd love nothing better than to have back the sweet child she was for a short time. I hope that girl comes back. No, I have not been a perfect Dad either. I'd like to make some things up to her, given the chance.

Don't feel bad. I often swing through this type feeling about my teen son. Except sadly, he doesn't even have friends. He has mild autism, so it is even harder for him to connect. Your DD may be depressed for a long time and so you think it's just her personality. Talk therapy can be really helpful I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Balance tough love -- reasonable limits clearly stated and enforced firmly, but without lecturing or personal attacks -- with letting them know that you believe in them. Get to know their culture and their friends -- not by snooping, but through genuine interest. Ask their opinions about things -- politics, books, movies, school policies, etc. Respect them, but expect them to respect you as well. When things get tough, walk away for a while and find your own means of escape -- running, yoga, funny movies.

How does this help with the sex problems?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, not too much. Both my kids are generally really good kids (although not perfect by any stretch, but I don't expect perfection).

I get annoyed when my DS skates by with the bare minimum of effort, but it tends to work out for him (still gets As) so it's hard to get too mad.

I do get mad when they text instead of engaging directly with people, but that's because I am old.

[Anonymous]

Snappy comebacks that sound exactly like my DH and I having a fight! "....its not appropriate for you to talk to me like daddy does, or I do to him". Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Twisting words. "Can I go to Krista's after school?" "Yes, I'll pick you up at 5:30." ... "I'm sitting in Krista's driveway and nobody's answering the door; where are you?" "Oh, I'm at the mall with Sara and Scott; I thought you said I could go out after school." !!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here w/2 daughters, 16 & 12. 12 yr old is a pretty good kid, does a little mischief now & then. Older girl is a punk. Disrespectful, slothful, lazy in every way. Smart kid, has all the intelligence in the world but refuses to use a grain of it. We do what we can with her/for her but living with her is 80% grief, like "where did I go so wrong?". She has gone through dozens of friends, most of them don't stick, they get tired of her aggressive behavior. If she stays like this, she gets kicked out of the house the day following HS graduation; if she manages to graduate. If not, soon after her 18th birthday. She can live on the street in a cardboard box. Sometimes I think if she were to run away, I would not look too hard for her. I would report her missing. I sure hate thinking that way about my kid. I'd love nothing better than to have back the sweet child she was for a short time. I hope that girl comes back. No, I have not been a perfect Dad either. I'd like to make some things up to her, given the chance.

I assume you already have, but just in case, have you sat her down and said all this to her? I think you should, and ask her if that's the direction she's aiming to go in. If you can both re-commit to each other, that would be great. 15-16 is SUCH an outrageously difficult time to be a girl.

Good luck,
36 yr old woman who was 16 once

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad here w/2 daughters, 16 & 12. 12 yr old is a pretty good kid, does a little mischief now & then. Older girl is a punk. Disrespectful, slothful, lazy in every way. Smart kid, has all the intelligence in the world but refuses to use a grain of it. We do what we can with her/for her but living with her is 80% grief, like "where did I go so wrong?". She has gone through dozens of friends, most of them don't stick, they get tired of her aggressive behavior. If she stays like this, she gets kicked out of the house the day following HS graduation; if she manages to graduate. If not, soon after her 18th birthday. She can live on the street in a cardboard box. Sometimes I think if she were to run away, I would not look too hard for her. I would report her missing. I sure hate thinking that way about my kid. I'd love nothing better than to have back the sweet child she was for a short time. I hope that girl comes back. No, I have not been a perfect Dad either. I'd like to make some things up to her, given the chance.

Very interesting post (seriously, not judging). When did her behavior/attitude go down hill? Has she always been difficult, or one day when she was 15.25 did she do a complete change? When you say that you have not been a perfect dad, what are your biggest parenting regrets? Not saying it is your fault, just really curious and hoping that my daughter avoids the same path. She is 15.5. Am I "in the clear," as she is a pretty good kid right now.

She sounds seriously depressed, to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Balance tough love -- reasonable limits clearly stated and enforced firmly, but without lecturing or personal attacks -- with letting them know that you believe in them. Get to know their culture and their friends -- not by snooping, but through genuine interest. Ask their opinions about things -- politics, books, movies, school policies, etc. Respect them, but expect them to respect you as well. When things get tough, walk away for a while and find your own means of escape -- running, yoga, funny movies.

My children are in college. Snooping is needed. Otherwise you are not going to know the real life of your kids. Nor their friends.

I have come to terms with the fact that with each passing year, I will know less and less about the daily actions and internal thoughts of my child. It's a natural progression. Of course I love them and care about them, but agree with other posters who have stressed the need for mutual respect, and for me one way I show respect is to grant my kids an increasing degree of privacy.
I'm not naive. I understand that kids can get themselves into bad situations. If in the course of normal observation I suspect that my child might be in trouble (alcohol, drugs, unsafe sex) I will then explore intervention. But my "default" position is not going to be the "snooping" you think is "needed".

[Anonymous]

Snooping always backfires. So you find out something, what do you do with the information? You can't tell them or goodbye all trust. You just have to live with the discomfort.

I question 8:09's premise. Why do we have to know the real life of our kids? or rather, why do we have to know what they say to their friends, talk about in private, do in private? Hoe does that help them?

To answer the question -- the moodiness. Cannot stand the moodiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On facebook, we have a few friends who already have teenage children. they post comments about how their child is infuriating them or just venting about a fight they just had. with grade school kids, it is hard to imagine what they will do to really piss me off or put us at odds against each other one day. please enlighten me with what i will be facing.

One should never post things about how angry your children are making you on Facebook. Holy shit. Do. Not. Vent. About. Your. Children's. Bad. Behavior. On. Facebook. GOOD GOD. The ultimate parenting fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here w/2 daughters, 16 & 12. 12 yr old is a pretty good kid, does a little mischief now & then. Older girl is a punk. Disrespectful, slothful, lazy in every way. Smart kid, has all the intelligence in the world but refuses to use a grain of it. We do what we can with her/for her but living with her is 80% grief, like "where did I go so wrong?". She has gone through dozens of friends, most of them don't stick, they get tired of her aggressive behavior. If she stays like this, she gets kicked out of the house the day following HS graduation; if she manages to graduate. If not, soon after her 18th birthday. She can live on the street in a cardboard box. Sometimes I think if she were to run away, I would not look too hard for her. I would report her missing. I sure hate thinking that way about my kid. I'd love nothing better than to have back the sweet child she was for a short time. I hope that girl comes back. No, I have not been a perfect Dad either. I'd like to make some things up to her, given the chance.

I hope you come back here and read this, Dad, because it sounds like your DD has mental health issues. Aggressive behavior, losing friends, disengaged -- lots of red flags for depression. if you want to give her a chance, you would get her help. This is a treatable disorder but if you continue to see her as "bad" instead of as needing help, it will only get worse.

She may be self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, she may be cutting. She clearly thinks you don't understand or care because she has stopped communicating with you. Do not wait for her her to "come back." Help her heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Twisting words. "Can I go to Krista's after school?" "Yes, I'll pick you up at 5:30." ... "I'm sitting in Krista's driveway and nobody's answering the door; where are you?" "Oh, I'm at the mall with Sara and Scott; I thought you said I could go out after school." !!!

Is my DD with yours?