FTM here, how to get my mother to understand Facebook privacy re: the baby?

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with the couple of PPs who pointed out that your Mom sounds like she cannot be reasoned with. It's unfortunate but if you haven't done this already, it's time to accept that you've just got to enforce your limits with her and she may not understand why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the first part was fine but then you kept just trying to get the last word and upping the ante and she kept reacting. No need to tell her the same thing over and over when you know you will just annoy her more.

I agree with this PP. Your mom needs some time to let it calm down. She got defensive and needs a way out, or to save face. FB doesn't come naturally to her generation so be patient with her. it's better to address it a little bit at a time.

What do you bet she doesn't know all her privacy settings? For your next conversation, you might want to start by talking about privacy settings, looking together at hers and talking about scenarios.

[Anonymous]

#1, it is the grandmom's grandbaby;

#2, it is the grandmom's friends.

if the grandmother wants to show photos of her grandbaby to her friends, then she should be allowed to. it is 100% unreasonable to not let her do that.

[Anonymous]

You can and should change your privacy settings on Facebook to not allow photos you post to be shared. I believe you do this now through custom privacy controls. Her posting pictures she takes is a whole other issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight...you are complaining bc your mom shared a picture of your baby...but you have no problem posting an entire email thread/message that occurred between you two which more than likely your mother never meant to be shared and posted it to an Internet forum word for word?

OP here. Yeah, I admit I thought of that and maybe it's hypocritical. So that's fair. But since you don't know me, my baby, my mother, or any identifying information, I wasn't worried about privacy. That's the beauty of anonymity. Plus, I felt that if I didn't provide the context of the conversation (this was by Facebook chat), I wouldn't get as good of responses about how to deal with her. Because the advice I need is two-pronged: (a) the right answer about Facebook, and (b) how to communicate with her in a way that might be well-received. I didn't intend for this conversation to happen by chat, which is why I kept telling her I'd prefer to have a discussion (by which I meant, discuss by phone).

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are being a little ridiculous.

I totally understand wanting to keep pics of your family private. So in that case -- don't post any you take, and ask friends and family not to post any they take. That is reasonable.

But asking grandma not to repost a cute pic of your baby -- one that YOU posted -- for her friends to see? What on earth was the point, then, of posting the pictures?

I am gathering this is your first child about to be born? Let me tell you -- everyone shares pictures of everyone nowadays. Forget privacy!

Your child will be in a daycare party, playdate, birthday party, preschool play -- pictures will be taken and they will be on Facebook.

It's a new world out there now from even 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight...you are complaining bc your mom shared a picture of your baby...but you have no problem posting an entire email thread/message that occurred between you two which more than likely your mother never meant to be shared and posted it to an Internet forum word for word?

OP here. Yeah, I admit I thought of that and maybe it's hypocritical. So that's fair. But since you don't know me, my baby, my mother, or any identifying information, I wasn't worried about privacy. That's the beauty of anonymity. Plus, I felt that if I didn't provide the context of the conversation (this was by Facebook chat), I wouldn't get as good of responses about how to deal with her. Because the advice I need is two-pronged: (a) the right answer about Facebook, and (b) how to communicate with her in a way that might be well-received. I didn't intend for this conversation to happen by chat, which is why I kept telling her I'd prefer to have a discussion (by which I meant, discuss by phone).

I would call her, and say "I'm sorry, Mom. I overreacted. Please feel free to share with your friends any pictures I post of my kids."

Trust me. Her friends could not care less about yet another picture of someone's grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What do you bet she doesn't know all her privacy settings? For your next conversation, you might want to start by talking about privacy settings, looking together at hers and talking about scenarios.

That's ridiculous. If you are worried about privacy settings then you should not be posting anything onto Facebook to begin with.

DO NOT POST ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET unless you are OK with it being public.

NEVER ASSUME that anything you post on Facebook or elsewhere won't be reposted.

It is social media. Social! Never assume anything you post can't be reposted.

Then you will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Op - your mom must be my mom!
A Martyr...always.
Get into therapy NOW!
This conversation "out of context" might not seem like a big deal to some observers, but I can see the dance between you 2, and I can also see that this conversation is symbolic and an example of how your interactions are approached......
Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This weekend, my mom shared on her Facebook page a "belly pic" I posted on my (well-controlled) Facebook page. When I used this opportunity to engage her in conversation about how we should deal with the new baby's photos and Facebook sharing, it devolved into the below ... her accusing me of overreaction and insisting that she would never again post a picture of me or my baby EVER-EVER. Please help me understand (a) what is a reasonable approach to sharing photos of the baby on the internet, including family Facebook pages, and (b) how to make a share-y relative understand and respect these concerns. I want so much to be reasonable, but it's hard when conversations progress this way. I'm posting the text of our convo below for those who are interested; I hope it shows that I'm reasonable so far, but happy to take criticism on my approach as well. (Like that even needs to be said on these boards, sigh.)

She is right about your overreacting because anyone posting a pic of their belly cannot possibly object to it being shown to the entire world. Do you really think you have a expectation of privacy on Facebook?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Lots of good responses so far.

I have lots of issues with my Mom. Conversations always devolve this way, basically on any subject; as a result, I barely speak with her. I absolutely need help communicating with my mother. I find her very immature, quick to overreact, very unreasonable, and unwilling to compromise or try to understand others' positions. I'm well aware that this problem will only get worse with the baby on the way when I can't ignore her as easily. I don't WANT to ignore her and cut her out. I WANT her to be able to share in her grandchild's life. Hell, I WANT to have a mother I like and can speak to, for my own sake. This has been a lonely pregnancy! I just don't know how to work with her to get her to do so in a reasonable way. Conversations by phone don't go well because she often hangs up on me. In person, she often leaves the room and locks herself in her room. She has this problem with a number of people, but I seem to bring out the worst in her, unfortunately.

With respect to Facebook, my mom is actually more savvy than most -- on the tech side. She is pretty up on these things -- she has a webpage, she uses YouTube and twitter, she does PR contracting work that involves online presence. The problem is that, from my perspective, she is not savvy on the privacy issues (probably because she lives in a rural area). As a result, she makes conscious decisions to share widely and feels attacked and slighted when they are criticized. Her FB page is not "Friends only" access; she has a public website on which she posts family and personal info; she posts videos of my niece on YouTube. Etc. She wants to share widely. I don't know how to draw a reasonable line and enforce it.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why you feel comfortable sharing a belly picture with 100 of your friends but are worried about your mom sharing photos of her grandchild. Like the PP said, no one is going to stalk your baby photos or "steal" them to photoshop them into a baby with a giraffe head. Really, no one (including most of your friends) will do anything but just glance at the pictures in passing. Now a belly picture-- that is good fodder!

Just tell your Mom you are sorry and overreacted. Clearly neither one of you is very good with The Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This weekend, my mom shared on her Facebook page a "belly pic" I posted on my (well-controlled) Facebook page. When I used this opportunity to engage her in conversation about how we should deal with the new baby's photos and Facebook sharing, it devolved into the below ... her accusing me of overreaction and insisting that she would never again post a picture of me or my baby EVER-EVER. Please help me understand (a) what is a reasonable approach to sharing photos of the baby on the internet, including family Facebook pages, and (b) how to make a share-y relative understand and respect these concerns. I want so much to be reasonable, but it's hard when conversations progress this way. I'm posting the text of our convo below for those who are interested; I hope it shows that I'm reasonable so far, but happy to take criticism on my approach as well. (Like that even needs to be said on these boards, sigh.)

She is right about your overreacting because anyone posting a pic of their belly cannot possibly object to it being shown to the entire world. Do you really think you have a expectation of privacy on Facebook?

OP again, the social aspects make me uncomfortable. And I just joined FB recently for that very reason. But I found that without being on FB, I was just totally "out of the loop" and not getting any news. I do try to have stringent privacy controls, and I have now learned one more lesson: not to let my photos I post be shared, which I had overlooked before! But why can't I have expectation of privacy on my private FB page? I don't want to be totally disenfranchised and turn myself into a hermit. I want to come up with a reasonable strategy here. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

You can't change her. She may want a daughter who is kinder, less up tight and less judgmental. She can't change you either.

This is obviously not about Facebook. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

Oh Good God. If you want privacy don't be in Facebook. How is that hard to understand?