I accidentally told my son that I hate him

[Anonymous]

My parents said some very mean things to me when I was a kid, and it really hurt my feelings. As a kid it's really hard to understand that people sometimes say things they don't mean. I think the advice you've gotten here is good--apologize honestly, tell him how it happened, how you felt at the time and how badly you feel that you said something hurtful. My parents never acknowledged or apologized for the hurtful things they said to me, and while it's true that you can't unring a bell, I do think an honest heartfelt apology helps.

[Anonymous]

OP, the overall message you've been communicating about your feelings for DC will over-ride this one false step. Really. My parents often said hateful things to me - telling me that they "loved me but they didn't like me," called me horrible names to my face and I'd often overhear them saying to each other how much they couldn't stand me. It was true, and I knew it. It's clear from what you've written that you love your child and, if that's the case, he knows that. Just apologize in a heartfelt way, and, importantly, follow up on this a few times in the weeks and months ahead - "Remember when Mom said that stupid thing about hating you?" - to reinforce your message, and you should be okay.

[Anonymous]

Give him reasons why you DO love him!

[Anonymous]

shit happens

Maybe he won't be so stubborn anymore?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I agree with PPs to talk to him about it and sincerely apologize, saying that you absolutely do not hate him and you never should have said it. Even the "I was trying to say I hate what you do" part is a bit strong; it's hard for kids to separate what they do from who they are. So while I would probably say that I misspoke, I would also try to apologize for saying something so harsh at all. And really apologize, don't use the apology as a launching pad for an explanation/excuse. Let the apology stand on its own: "I'm sorry I said I hate you. I don't hate you, I love you very much. I was frustrated and I said words that I regret. I'm sorry. Even if I were planning to say that I hated what you were doing, that is still a mean thing to say and I'm sorry." Then after you apologize, let it go. If he wants to talk about it more, talk about how you feel bad that it happened and you will try not to have it happen again but don't keep apologizing.

[Anonymous]

Wow...some of you Moms say some terrible shit to your children. I would never use the word "hate" towards my child in any context. It's amazing...the same women who probably don't spank their kids, are the ones that fuck their children up emotionally/psychologically.

[Anonymous]

SAD

[Anonymous]

It's done, and you should apologize and follow PPs' advice. It's ok, and I'm sure DS will be fine, because he knows you do love him.

But - I think you should just throw those words (hate, shut up, etc.) out of your vocabulary. They should not be spoken, ever. It really changes the dynamics of a relationship. And you're setting the model for what your child can say to you.

It's just like with a spouse. We don't ever call each other names, say 'I hate you', or shut up or the word divorce, no matter how angry we are. Those are all really strong words, and once they're out of the box, you can't put them back in. And then you become used to saying things like that. Nip it in the bud and purge them from your vocabulary.

I think I would prefer a good scream to an 'I hate you'. It feels like it would have less impact long term (if you're really feeling out of control once in a blue moon, I'm saying; if you feel like this often, you should definitely talk to someone about how to relate better with your kids).

[Anonymous]

If it is still bothering him, I might ask what he thinks the consequence should be or how you can make it up to him. You don't have to accept his answer (esp if it is to buy him something expensive) but it will help you understand what he is feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents said some very mean things to me when I was a kid, and it really hurt my feelings. As a kid it's really hard to understand that people sometimes say things they don't mean. I think the advice you've gotten here is good--apologize honestly, tell him how it happened, how you felt at the time and how badly you feel that you said something hurtful. My parents never acknowledged or apologized for the hurtful things they said to me, and while it's true that you can't unring a bell, I do think an honest heartfelt apology helps.

+1

My mother had a hard time admitting when she was wrong and rarely apologized. I make sure that I step up when I need to with my own kids as a result. It makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

This makes me so sad....because I did the same thing to my daughter this morning. Never have I said anything like that before...I haven't even thought of saying anything like that. Of course I don't mean it, but it came out that way. I didn't say it to her face, I said it while storming away and I said "I hate her." I'm not even sure she heard me, but my son did and approached me about it, to which I apologized profusely. Sometimes things get so frustrating that you reach a breaking point and cannot control yourself....and it is awful and inexcusable, but unfortunately happens to a lot of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens. Clearly he was being a PITA.

Dh and I both come from homes where everything is on the table. Adults make mistakes. We yell at each other. We say things we don't mean. We act like children and get angry over stupid crap. We antagonize and grumble at each other. We have days where we are nice and civilized and we have days where we plainly state, 'I don't want to be around anyone right now.' We cry when we are sad and we scream when we are angry. We laugh a LOT when we are happy. We also apologize, and show affection, and resolve things after tempers have subsided.

I don't think the definition of a 'stable' home is one without mistakes. A 'stable' home is one where mistakes are made, but they are handled well. Parents are human, too, even if they don't want to admit it. So talk to your son, apologize, and tell him you love him. Perhaps it is time to introduce the term 'word vomit'.

I like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a difficult, very stubborn, extremely explosive child, and that kind of thing has been said a time or two in my household.

What matters is how you handle it when you say something you don't mean, because chances are high that your son will also say things he didn't mean to you or to other people in his life as he grows up.

Own that you did it, apologize, and show him how you are trying to make changes (for example, I told my son that I realized I said things in frustration when I was getting frustrated, and now I tell him I am taking a time out from the situation so I won't get so frustrated.)

Try not to compare yourself and your parenting with parents of children who have more easygoing temperaments than your child does.

I do this with my preschooler. We have a quiet corner where he can go when he is feeling overwhelmed with anger or frustration. Mommy has demonstrated how to use it and when several times. I'm not trying to teach him how to be "perfect," but rather how to deal positively with our imperfections.

[Anonymous]

I told my dd she was stupid. She's actually really smart, so I have a very low tolerance for when she does stupid things, which is what happened in that instance, because she's a kid and kids brains aren't fully developed.

I apologized, and explained the difference, and told her I was completely wrong to say what I'd said, and that she should call me out on it any time I call her a name. We hugged it out, it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the supportive comments. I have not been able to tell DH what happened.
I don't ever remember my parents saying anything like that to us.
Heck, they would whack us, yell, scream, call us fools, but never the "h" word.
I feel like I have done worse than they ever did.
DS knows that I would give my life for him. He has seen me react in emergencies like a mad woman. Once when he was stuck in the car, and another time when he took a bad fall. I suspect that this is lingering in his head and he is wondering if it is true. One good thing is that I don't think that he equates hate with no love.

OP, you are totally being too hard on yourself. I lived in a household with yelling, screaming and hitting and I've been through therapy twice - once as a young adult and now again as a parent - to deal with the repercussions of that upbringing. If you are not doing any of these things, your son will get over this. Just be honest, apologize, and reassure him that you could never "hate" HIM, but that you can (and sometimes do) "hate" his behavior. Kids are smart enough to get the difference. We can't be perfect for our kids all the time and if we try to be, we are setting ourselves up to fail and our kids up for a standard they cannot meet either.