I accidentally told my son that I hate him

[Anonymous]

I did not mean it. I meant to say that I hate it when he is so stubborn. It happened when I was doing his reading and he was being very difficult. The words slipped out of my mouth and I said, "I hate you". I was sleepy and tired of his behavior. I immediately retracted and said that I meant to say....
Three days later, he wants to know why I said that.

Darn it, I can't believe it.
DS is 8.

[Anonymous]

I'd explain this to him honestly. Then, I think you're on the hook for some presents.

[Anonymous]

Have a really honest conversation with him. Apologize, tell him you were wrong, tell him that you were tired and frustrated, that you should never have said it, and that you'll try to do better. And then, listen.

Sorry. That must have sucked for both of you.

[Anonymous]

It happens. He's old enough to understand that when you are upset, sometimes you'll say things you don't mean. Explain this to him.

[Anonymous]

Be honest. Tell him what you meant to say. He probably will not forget your words, but your actions can show him that you really love him. Genuine love from your mistake and being sorry, not faking nice behavior to cover the mistake.

We all make mistakes. It will be ok.

[Anonymous]

"Sometimes mommies and daddies say the wrong thing. Especially when we get tired. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I love you a lot, even when I hate the things you do."

[Anonymous]

For those of you who say everyone makes mistakes, I don't think the OP needs to beat herself up over it forever either. Nonetheless, saying "I hate you" is extreme language for a child to comprehend all the nuances of what his mom meant. OP, if you're feeling that kind of frustration on a frequent basis, I really think you should consider some counseling and/or parenting classes. It's very hard for a child to get over those kinds of words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a really honest conversation with him. Apologize, tell him you were wrong, tell him that you were tired and frustrated, that you should never have said it, and that you'll try to do better. And then, listen.

Sorry. That must have sucked for both of you.

Agree. Definitely apologize and tell him all those things (you were tired/you shouldn't have said it/you'll try not to say it again).

And, yes, definitely listen. That's key!

[Anonymous]

It happens. Clearly he was being a PITA.

Dh and I both come from homes where everything is on the table. Adults make mistakes. We yell at each other. We say things we don't mean. We act like children and get angry over stupid crap. We antagonize and grumble at each other. We have days where we are nice and civilized and we have days where we plainly state, 'I don't want to be around anyone right now.' We cry when we are sad and we scream when we are angry. We laugh a LOT when we are happy. We also apologize, and show affection, and resolve things after tempers have subsided.

I don't think the definition of a 'stable' home is one without mistakes. A 'stable' home is one where mistakes are made, but they are handled well. Parents are human, too, even if they don't want to admit it. So talk to your son, apologize, and tell him you love him. Perhaps it is time to introduce the term 'word vomit'.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a difficult, very stubborn, extremely explosive child, and that kind of thing has been said a time or two in my household.

What matters is how you handle it when you say something you don't mean, because chances are high that your son will also say things he didn't mean to you or to other people in his life as he grows up.

Own that you did it, apologize, and show him how you are trying to make changes (for example, I told my son that I realized I said things in frustration when I was getting frustrated, and now I tell him I am taking a time out from the situation so I won't get so frustrated.)

Try not to compare yourself and your parenting with parents of children who have more easygoing temperaments than your child does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to compare yourself and your parenting with parents of children who have more easygoing temperaments than your child does.

NP. Words to live by. Thanks, PP!

[Anonymous]

My oldest about to turn 8yo, and I apologize all the time to him. No one is perfect, and learning to forgive is not an unimportant skill. I like to think that it models appropriate behavior for him when he's dealing with his little brother. Whenever I 'retract' an overreaction, I try to use the approach that I see the staff at his school use when kids are misbehaving - I take responsibility for my bad behavior (and ask him to take responsibility for his) and we talk about how we should have handled things better. I am a pretty mediocre parent, but I feel like this is one area where I've stumbled onto something that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens. He's old enough to understand that when you are upset, sometimes you'll say things you don't mean. Explain this to him.

I agree with this. He is old enough to understand that sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are tired, frustrated and upset. He can probably remember some times when he has done the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Man. That is a hard one, OP. I think if you tell him that you meant to say "I hate how you're acting right now," and it came out the wrong way, he will understand. Hopefully you have the kind of relationship where he does not have to question that you love him unconditionally. But still, that had to be hard for him to hear, and an explanation probably isn't going to soothe the hurt feelings entirely. I think if you bend over backwards and try to give presents and whatnot right now, he is just going to be disappointed again when the flow of presents ends. I think trying to spend a lot of extra time with him, just you guys, for a WHILE, is what is going to do the trick.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the supportive comments. I have not been able to tell DH what happened.
I don't ever remember my parents saying anything like that to us.
Heck, they would whack us, yell, scream, call us fools, but never the "h" word.
I feel like I have done worse than they ever did.
DS knows that I would give my life for him. He has seen me react in emergencies like a mad woman. Once when he was stuck in the car, and another time when he took a bad fall. I suspect that this is lingering in his head and he is wondering if it is true. One good thing is that I don't think that he equates hate with no love.