8 yr old says she hates herself when frustrated

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thank you for your comments. I kind of see the perfectionist mindset. The thing that doesn't make sense is that she doesn't want to take her time and make her work "perfect," she just doesn't want anyone to tell her that she has done something wrong or something needs to be different. And even if I don't tell her it needs a change, but she thinks she can't do it right, then she gets upset. She has never, ever, liked trying new things (like I said, she wouldn't walk step off the sidewalk onto the grass when she was little, she would have a hard time with long pants when she was used to wearing shorts all summer, etc.)

But, I'm much relieved to know that other kids say similar things at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. My sensitive 7 y.o. son does this all the time, as does another friend of his. He "hates his life, wants to die and is stupid" all because he cannot master something fast enough.

When it happens we take a break and I talk through it w/ him and focus on the positives. He's smart--but a perfectionist and very self-critical. I talked to the school counselors and now he gets pulled out of class for about 45 mins per week to have a "group" session w/ other kids to better understand and show feelings of frustration. Also we made a couple running jokes and trigger words to lighten the tension when he starts to get frustrated.

My 6.5 yr old son is exactly the same...and he excels at everything. He scored 8-10 goals a soccer game still thinks everyone is better than him. He is not boastful or like the average kid that thinks they are great--even when they aren't.

I do recognize the perfectionism. I was the same way growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks,

Remember. At ages 7, 8, 9 etc., kids today have rarely experienced frustration or loss or any feeling of inadequacy. Everyone gets a prize. Everyone gets a valentine. No one has said much negative to them or about them. Everybody is a winner in childhood today. Have any of you ever said to your children, "your team lost that soccer game because the other team was better than you guys." Most parents will deflect any feelings of sadness or anger by asking if the child had fun playing or they will tell the child they did a great job (even if they did not). Kids would be better served by hearing that they lost because they played poorly and if they want to improve they need to work harder in practice. In the 7, 8, 9 years, kids have to start using skills like reading, swimming, bike riding, etc. in order to keep up at school and play with their friends. If they can't perform these and other skills, at this point, there isn't really a way to sugar coat it to them so they feel frustrated. And they often don't know how to handle frustration. So you hear language like you describe.

Yes. All the time. We also tell them they need to practice to get better.

[Anonymous]

Book recommendation: Letting Go of Perfect - Overcoming Perfectionism in Kids by Jill Adelson

http://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Perfect-Overcoming-Perfectionism/dp/1593633629

[Anonymous]

You wrote: "The thing that doesn't make sense is that she doesn't want to take her time and make her work "perfect," she just doesn't want anyone to tell her that she has done something wrong or something needs to be different. And even if I don't tell her it needs a change, but she thinks she can't do it right, then she gets upset."

My daughter does this as well. It makes sense, actually; the perfectionist can feel such discomfort and anxiety while doing something she thinks she can't do perfectly that the response is to get out of the scary situation asap (thus, rushing through the work to regain some sense of equilibrium again). Some reading on the topic of both anxiety and perfectionism in kids may help illuminate quite a bit of your daughter's initially mystifying behavior.

So great that you are reaching out to understand your daughter. I'm sure it will be effort well repaid in the relationship longterm.

[Anonymous]

Depression may be a reason why your 8 yr old says she hates herself. If she said this once and seems happy overall, then it's not likely depression but if this behavior continues for several weeks, then you shoudl be very concerned. Do a web search for kids with depression and look for the other symptoms as well.

Studies estimate that between 2.5% and 5% of kids are depressed which is significantly more common in boys under the age of 10. But by age 16, girls have a greater incidence of depression.

It's hard to believe that kids can get depressed, but I've seen it first hand with my own daughter when she was just 6 yr old (she's 9 now). Her problems started with general anxiety about going to school (crying, running out of the school). This impacted her self esteem and made her life just miserable until we finally got her treatment for the anxiety and depression. She went through a period of saying that she hated herself and she would even hit herself. Very sad situation but she's now 'normal' and is doing great overall now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depression may be a reason why your 8 yr old says she hates herself. If she said this once and seems happy overall, then it's not likely depression but if this behavior continues for several weeks, then you shoudl be very concerned. Do a web search for kids with depression and look for the other symptoms as well.

Studies estimate that between 2.5% and 5% of kids are depressed which is significantly more common in boys under the age of 10. But by age 16, girls have a greater incidence of depression.

It's hard to believe that kids can get depressed, but I've seen it first hand with my own daughter when she was just 6 yr old (she's 9 now). Her problems started with general anxiety about going to school (crying, running out of the school). This impacted her self esteem and made her life just miserable until we finally got her treatment for the anxiety and depression. She went through a period of saying that she hated herself and she would even hit herself. Very sad situation but she's now 'normal' and is doing great overall now.

Signs and symptoms of depression in children include:

Irritability or anger.
Continuous feelings of sadness, hopelessness.
Social withdrawal.
Increased sensitivity to rejection.
Changes in appetite -- either increased or decreased.
Changes in sleep -- sleeplessness or excessive sleep.
Vocal outbursts or crying.
Difficulty concentrating.
Fatigue and low energy.
Physical complaints (such as stomachaches, headaches) that do not respond to treatment
Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, extracurricular activities, and in other hobbies or interests.
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt.
Impaired thinking or concentration.
Thoughts of death or suicide.

[Anonymous]

12:32, what type of treatment was successful for your daughter? We are facing a similar situation with ours, trying cognitive behavioral therapy . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:32, what type of treatment was successful for your daughter? We are facing a similar situation with ours, trying cognitive behavioral therapy . . .

12:32 here. I would recommend trying the following things in order:

1) Sleep - Get lots of sleep! She would have a hard time getting to sleep some nights which over time, impacted her mood. We used melatonin to help her sleep some nights.
2) Exercise - Our daughter was active in some sports and played outside, but anything extra you can do helps. For example, we ended up purchasing both a Wii and xbox and only bought the games that required them to be standing up and active. Sounds odd to buy a video game to do this, but she would get a good 20-60 minutes of fairly heavy exercise from some of these games (e.g., dancing games, Wii fit, even yoga). This helped out a lot!
3) Diet - Cut down on sugar, avoid foods with certain type of food coloring found to impact mood, etc...natural whole foods helped. We tried supplements as well (e.g, Omega-3)
4) Therapy - The above items helped, but didn't solve the problem so we tried out therapy. Worked OK, but it's difficult for a young child to use some of the techniques they try to teach.
5) Medication - After several months of trying the above, we finally decided that medication was the last option. She was on an extremely low dose of Prozac and the change was immediate (i.e., next day was 100% better). Anxiety decreased and her depression was gone. This in turn improved her self esteem and her whole quality of life improved. I never even imagined of a kid on Prozac before...you have to go what we went through to realize the benefits of a happy life outweight the sad/miserable feelings she had.

[Anonymous]

my 7 year old does not say he hates himself but he does get very frustrated very quickly..and often ends up in tears. it's when he thinks he's right about something i don't think he's right about or if he can't do or figure something out. he's very bright and has real perfectionist tendencies. we're tried some strategies like counting, me signalling him that he needs to calm down. the only thing that really works is a joke. distracts him and he's fine. if i talk to him about it later, he recognized that it wasn't that big a deal and agrees that he didn't need to cry. used to only do this at home but have heard that it's happened a few times at school lately.

is this an age when this happens? any other ideas about how to approach?

[Anonymous]

12:32, thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

Both of my DDs have had these same issues. So we got involved with Girls on the Run. it is an AMAZING program for girls in 3-5 grade. They also have a middle school program called Girls on Track. My girls loved the program and it made a big difference. Negative self-talk is one of the many issues they address. if it's not offered at your DDs school, you can get it started pretty easily. Or you can sign them up at a nearby school that offers it. I highly recommend it. It was life-changing for all of us.

There is another program called Girls Circle. I don't know much about it, but I think they might have added a program for boys. Other than that, I don't know of anything similar for boys. But if you volunteered as a GOTR coach, you would learn lots of effective tools that you can use with your son.

http://www.girlsontherun.org/