8 yr old says she hates herself when frustrated

[Anonymous]

So in just the past two weeks DD has said that she hates herself several times. In all cases, she was very frustrated by something that to you and me was not that big of a deal. The first time was when I had her try on new clothes that she didn't want to try on (it was a super cute outfit, but she didn't like it). The second time was when she couldn't figure out how to cut out shoes from construction paper for a school project. The third time was when she got frustrated alphabetizing her word study list (required homework). Each time involved tears and drama.

I was shocked when she said this and I worry that she is headed into becoming a troubled teen. She is the kind of kid who wants to give up at the first sign of challenge. I have had to push her to do just about everything in life that was new (from giving up her pacifier, to walking, to stepping off the sidewalk into the grass as a toddler, to adding over 20 when she is used to sums under 20, I could go on and on). Every slightly new variation in life is a challenge and usually involves arguing with me, tears, high drama. I tell her she is doing fine, that she doesn't have to be perfect, that she can erase a mistake or just fix it another way.

Is this a common phase -- kids saying they hate themselves? And what is the best way to respond?

[Anonymous]

Yep. My sensitive 7 y.o. son does this all the time, as does another friend of his. He "hates his life, wants to die and is stupid" all because he cannot master something fast enough.

When it happens we take a break and I talk through it w/ him and focus on the positives. He's smart--but a perfectionist and very self-critical. I talked to the school counselors and now he gets pulled out of class for about 45 mins per week to have a "group" session w/ other kids to better understand and show feelings of frustration. Also we made a couple running jokes and trigger words to lighten the tension when he starts to get frustrated.

[Anonymous]

My very confident almost 9 y/o DD has said this on occassion too. It is shocking. I think however I would just give her more appropriate words when she says this. Try responding with "I can see you're frustrated how can I help?" Or, "I sometimes get mad at myself too, let's take a break."

With challenging homework, one tip that has helped avoid my DD getting to this point is if I actually sit down next to her so that she knows I'm there and available for support. I try to have something to occupy myself (newspaper, knitting etc) but make it clear supporting her is the reason I'm there. Being next to her instead of nearby preparing dinner seems to make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Interesting timing on this post. Our sensitive 7 year old DD just said this on Sunday because she didn't want to do something we were doing as a family. It totally freaked me and my husband out and I've been wondering since if she needs counseling. She seems to get very frustrated with herself because she can't control her anger/emotions. Maybe it's an age thing, but it seems young to be going through these issues.

[Anonymous]

My son has done this occaisionally. He's almost 8. So have several of his friends. The new one is 'I'm running away.'. I know a couple of his male friends are very dramatic when frustrated.

[Anonymous]

There was a whole discussion about this a couple of weeks ago, with respect to 9 yr olds, so definitely look back. It was called something like "Drama with DD" or something like that - drama in the title. It was very helpful.

[Anonymous]

I get similiar outbursts from my 8 year old DS. He has said some things that are extremely distressing to me ... "run away", hate myself", "kill myself" - that last one I think he does to purposely get a big reaction from me. He is a perfectionist, hyper critical of himself and uber, uber sensitive. I've just started reading a book called "Smart Parenting for Smart Kids" by Eileen Kennedy-Moore and I'm finding this book to be very insightful in helping me understand this behavior. I haven't finished reading it, but so far, I would recommend this book.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the book suggestion. I'm reading Mindset right now. I'll check that one out next.

[Anonymous]

wow... this sounds so much like my kid. I thought he was the only one. When he does something wrong, he just wants to stop and give up. He calls himself stupid when he obviously is not. It upsets him way too much.


I wonder if there is anybody out there who remembers being like this as a child? I was not this way, my husband was not this way. If you were this way, did you grow out of it? Do you still find it hard to do things that do not come easily? Do you still have unrealistic expectations on how quickly you should be able to achieve?

[Anonymous]

Folks,

Remember. At ages 7, 8, 9 etc., kids today have rarely experienced frustration or loss or any feeling of inadequacy. Everyone gets a prize. Everyone gets a valentine. No one has said much negative to them or about them. Everybody is a winner in childhood today. Have any of you ever said to your children, "your team lost that soccer game because the other team was better than you guys." Most parents will deflect any feelings of sadness or anger by asking if the child had fun playing or they will tell the child they did a great job (even if they did not). Kids would be better served by hearing that they lost because they played poorly and if they want to improve they need to work harder in practice. In the 7, 8, 9 years, kids have to start using skills like reading, swimming, bike riding, etc. in order to keep up at school and play with their friends. If they can't perform these and other skills, at this point, there isn't really a way to sugar coat it to them so they feel frustrated. And they often don't know how to handle frustration. So you hear language like you describe.

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old does this too. She has ADD and her emotional regulation is off...it is scary but just has to do with impulse control.

[Anonymous]

I can imagine how alarming it was for you to hear that. We love our children so much we can't imagine them feeling anything but wonderful about themselves.
Some of the stuff you wrote in your post makes me think you might benefit from thinking about new ways of communicating with your child. Have you read "Between Parent and Child"? Or "How to talk so your kid will listen and listen so your kid will talk"? I highly recommend them. They discuss how to deal with things like this, like when kids say "I'm stupid," etc. Trying to convince them that they are wrong or telling them not to say that is counterproductive and these books give good ideas for how to help our kids deal with their emotions...the first step is our acceptance of whatever emotions they have. Your description of arguing and drama....doesn't sound good. I think you need to consider that there may be ways of communicating that could, rather than escalate, defuse situations like the ones you describe.

[Anonymous]

I was a lot like your DD as a child. I *hated* change and I was a perfectionist. I remember the extreme anxiety, even panic, of when I was trying to do something and not succeeding according to my expectations. It would be great for your child to be able to see a counselor and talk through some of these things, because as life goes on and becomes ever more challenging and complicated, she will truly need to know how to deal with these feelings in a healthy way. In the meantime, as much patience and compassion as possible would be my recommendation -- don't rush to the conclusion that this is only "drama" and attention-seeking.

Bet wishes!

[Anonymous]

"Best" wishes, that is! Vestiges of perfectionism still arise when I see my own typos . . .

[Anonymous]

If it is perfectionist tendencies you're struggling with--one other concrete thing you might try. Make it very clear that you love your daughter unconditionally. Mine recently was having nightmares that she did something so awful that she feared I would not love her. I told her that mom's love their kids no matter what. I may not like every choice you make but I will always love you. I went so far as to tell her that even if she does something so bad she'd go to jail, I'd still love her (a bit extreme--but it was clearly an extreme nightmare). I also made a point of sharing with her some stories from my childhood in which I was far from perfect. Kids want and need to know that we all screw up occassionally and that's part of growing up.