BigLaw Wives/Mothers: Do you WOTH or SAH?

[Anonymous]

My DH is a junior Biglaw partner. I work part time at Biglaw (40 hours per week).

[Anonymous]

I work in biglaw and I think it is a generational thing...sort of. With the older (male) partners, most of their wives stay at home. With the associates, almost all of their spouses work. With the young partners, the number of spouses working outside home start to tapper off. This could be a result of one of two things. Either the work demand becomes too much and they have kids so one spouse stops working outside the home to pick up the slack OR only partners with stay at home spouses can make partner and be successful. I think it is a combination of both.

I think for many people it takes a full family commitment to be a super successful partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in biglaw and I think it is a generational thing...sort of. With the older (male) partners, most of their wives stay at home. With the associates, almost all of their spouses work. With the young partners, the number of spouses working outside home start to tapper off. This could be a result of one of two things. Either the work demand becomes too much and they have kids so one spouse stops working outside the home to pick up the slack OR only partners with stay at home spouses can make partner and be successful. I think it is a combination of both.

I think for many people it takes a full family commitment to be a super successful partner.

I think there is some truth to this statement. Not that it can't be done with a spouse who is also in a demanding job (one of DH's partners has a husband who is also a partner in biglaw and three small children), but more of the people who make partner have spouses who are picking up the slack/doing a disproportionate share of home responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I work in biglaw and I think it is a generational thing...sort of. With the older (male) partners, most of their wives stay at home. With the associates, almost all of their spouses work. With the young partners, the number of spouses working outside home start to tapper off. This could be a result of one of two things. Either the work demand becomes too much and they have kids so one spouse stops working outside the home to pick up the slack OR only partners with stay at home spouses can make partner and be successful. I think it is a combination of both.

I think for many people it takes a full family commitment to be a super successful partner.


I think there is some truth to this statement. Not that it can't be done with a spouse who is also in a demanding job (one of DH's partners has a husband who is also a partner in biglaw and three small children), but more of the people who make partner have spouses who are picking up the slack/doing a disproportionate share of home responsibilities.

Agree. Wife of a senior partner. There is no way that we could have a successful home life and our children have any time of normalcy if I worked outside of the home.

[Anonymous]

Ok, this is not my personal opinion, so please don't bite my head off...

But, my DH was told (off the record, of course) after we had our first child that if he wanted to make partner that I should quit my biglaw job to SAH. The reasons given were 1) that two full time big law parents are either neglecting their kid or their jobs and that neither thing will be looked favorably upon; and 2) that (some lower paid partners who's wives don't work) will resent the fact that you and your wife together out earn them, especially when you have to stay home with a sick kid.

This advice came from 3 partners who were ~40-45.

[Anonymous]

BigLaw FT x2 here. It is very tough. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. The sad thing is that I love my job, my clients and my colleagues. I don't love being the one who has to pick up the slack if DH gets really busy, which is the case now. In my practice, really busy lasts a month at the most, then it's just normal insanity. For a litigator, really busy can last a year and involve a ton of travel - nights, weekends, holidays, you name it. The frequent flyer miles really are not worth that. Cases never settle when you count on it.

Our system only works well when we are both moderately busy. If one of us gets slammed for a sustained period, the whole house of cards comes tumbling down. Writing this is making me want to burst into tears and throw up at the same time. I don't want to lose my job or my husband, and I don't want to screw up my kids or ever make them wonder if they can count on Mommy.

The next time I'm over in another forum talking about something where people say, "That's so nice! I wish I could donate that much!" or something like that, I'm thinking of signing it "the tearful nauseous one".

Now, back to work. Or do I go home for bedtime and then go back to work? I'm so tired of not knowing what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, this is not my personal opinion, so please don't bite my head off...

But, my DH was told (off the record, of course) after we had our first child that if he wanted to make partner that I should quit my biglaw job to SAH. The reasons given were 1) that two full time big law parents are either neglecting their kid or their jobs and that neither thing will be looked favorably upon; and 2) that (some lower paid partners who's wives don't work) will resent the fact that you and your wife together out earn them, especially when you have to stay home with a sick kid.

This advice came from 3 partners who were ~40-45.

I'm sorry that someone said that to your husband (and indirectly to you.) Nothing is universal and this person was making big generalizations. Every person and every marriage and every child is different and some people can make it work just fine.

I think this person was wrong on a number of levels. I work PT (in a pretty low paying field) and DH is a biglaw partner. Some of his partners/friends have wives that work FT at high paying jobs so they have more money than us. I would never think to envy their money since we all have a god's plenty anyway. Honestly, the issue of a sick kid never really comes up because the firm has very good emergency daycare options and most parents just work it out. People take time off to take kids to doctor's appointments, but as long as they keep pulling their weight and don't expect anyone else to do their work for them, the law (at least at the partner level) has enough flexibility built into it that this doesn't seem to be a problem.


I felt like the problem was actually bigger before we had kids. Since we had kids later than many others, when we were childless many of DH's colleagues would leave early or have weekend plans and assume that DH would pick up the slack. Some even said to him that they thought this was fair since he didn't have a "family." At one level, I understood why they felt this way and tried not to take it personally. But, on the other hand, everyone was getting paid the same amount so I didn't see why DH should be expected to work more nights and weekend because he didn't have kids. Now I remind him constantly not to make distinctions between his associates based on who has kids or let the ones with kids freeload. I know that DH tries to be really accommodating in terms of flexibility and being reasonable when people have to be out of the office as long as the parent gets the work done before it begins to impact other people's schedules/plans/workflow. So, I guess if the person who talked to your husband was thinking along these lines, he might of been talking about partners being irritated when people with kids and not a SAH spouse ask for preferential treatment. Really, as long as your personal life doesn't impact other people's personal lives, I don't think most people care very much what the economics of your household look like.

[Anonymous]

WOTH at a top tier private ... so basically full time 9 mo/year with summer and xmas/march vacation. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Our story: wad in bl for a few years and dh stayed at home with a very young dd... Fast forward five years and dh went back to work and I now sahm. He is also a lawyer but went a much different track. We went from him being a sahd with a $$$ income to me being a sahm with a $$ income. Who knows- in a few years we might switch again. Oh and we now also have a 9 month old.

[Anonymous]

DW working FT in govt law job. Biglaw DH litigation partner in mid 40s. In my experience, most Biglaw families start full time for both, but once DH makes partner, DW starts to slowly ramp down career with less demanding job, long maternity leaves, etc. Not sure if that's a requirement of demanding nature of DH job, or a luxury available to DW with high income of DH, or some combo of both. Probably different for each family.

[Anonymous]

19:34 I know how you feel. I once slept under my desk so I could work as many hours as possible on an m&a project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BigLaw FT x2 here. It is very tough. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. The sad thing is that I love my job, my clients and my colleagues. I don't love being the one who has to pick up the slack if DH gets really busy, which is the case now. In my practice, really busy lasts a month at the most, then it's just normal insanity. For a litigator, really busy can last a year and involve a ton of travel - nights, weekends, holidays, you name it. The frequent flyer miles really are not worth that. Cases never settle when you count on it.

Our system only works well when we are both moderately busy. If one of us gets slammed for a sustained period, the whole house of cards comes tumbling down. Writing this is making me want to burst into tears and throw up at the same time. I don't want to lose my job or my husband, and I don't want to screw up my kids or ever make them wonder if they can count on Mommy.

The next time I'm over in another forum talking about something where people say, "That's so nice! I wish I could donate that much!" or something like that, I'm thinking of signing it "the tearful nauseous one".

Now, back to work. Or do I go home for bedtime and then go back to work? I'm so tired of not knowing what to do.

Your kids will not be screwed up. It is a lot harder to screw up kids than most people think. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:34 I know how you feel. I once slept under my desk so I could work as many hours as possible on an m&a project.

Oh man, I have been there!! I know people do it, and do it succesfully, but i can't imagine being a transactional lawyer with kids (DH is a litigator). I used to work in big law, but switched to a non-practicing job after 3 years and, after 4 years of that, recently quit to stay home. Me being home does free up weekends for DH to relax and play with the kids. We used to spend every weekend running errands, doing laundry, etc. Now, I take care of the house and the kids and DH takes care of making money. We're both happier, but I do miss having a career. DH definitely wants me to go back to work when the kids are in school, and I agree, but it will be something part time and at home and NOT practicing law.

[Anonymous]

We always planned for me to be a SAHM. It just ended up that he was in Big Law, instead of another field or gov't law. I don't think I could possibly hold down a job and not get fired for attendance issues due to child care. Too many last minute overnight trips, last minute change in schedules, oversees clients. At one point my husband was coordinating phone calls over three continents. Those are never at a functional hour. It works for us. He's not a partner so we don't live easy, but every few years it gets better, and loans are almost paid off.

[Anonymous]

We're a double Big Law couple.