BigLaw Wives/Mothers: Do you WOTH or SAH?

[Anonymous]

If your DH is in BigLaw, do you SAH or WOTH? If you now SAH, when did you make that transition (assuming you used to WOTH) and why? Also, if you are a DW who works in BigLaw, what does your husband do? Is there a cultural norm, spoken or unspoken, about the spouses of BigLaw partners?

[Anonymous]

I WOH, part-time. There are no cultural norms I know of about the spouses of partners. However, I may totally out of it or - honestly - could care less. There are many kinds of partners at large law firms, so it would be hard to stereotype.

[Anonymous]

DH and I were in big law for three years when we had our first. I started staying home when the first was a year old and since then have had a second. I have been home for three years. The plan is for me to SAH at least as long as he is at a firm (which is looking to be a looooong time).

None of the wives in my husband's practice group work even the ones w/o kids or grown kids. None of the wives in my former practice group work.

[Anonymous]

I WOH FT. sub specialty physician. there is no trend at my DH's biglaw and all spouses i have met have been very warm and from the beginning, were very welcoming. We have become close friends of several families: one mom is SAH for 4 kids, one mom is PT WAH on education-related stuff (but did not work at all until her youngest was 8), and a bunch of moms who are also FT biglaw... but i haven't met any doctor wives in a while...

[Anonymous]

A lot of partners' wives SAH but there are plenty that work as well. I don't personally know of any husbands of female partners staying home. Each person/family is different.

Why do you ask OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were in big law for three years when we had our first. I started staying home when the first was a year old and since then have had a second. I have been home for three years. The plan is for me to SAH at least as long as he is at a firm (which is looking to be a looooong time).

None of the wives in my husband's practice group work even the ones w/o kids or grown kids. None of the wives in my former practice group work.

Wow, that's crazy - even the women without kids don't work? Why is that? Of course, there are days when that sounds good to me, but overall, that seems odd to me. I think I'd rather cut grass than not work at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm biglaw and DH is FT WOTH.

[Anonymous]

I work long hours but telecommute 100% so I use the flexibility to spend a good amount of time with the DCs and pick up the slack. I used to work in biglaw, though. DH is still biglaw.

I think the "culture" is largely generational. Almost all of the senior partners' wives SAH with their kids (and still do, though kids are high school or older). DH is a senior associate, mid 30s. Of the associates and junior partners, almost all their wives work FT, a few PT. No SAHMs in his group, anyway.

I've chatted with some of the "older" (50+) folks in the group and when they had their kids, the expectation was that they did essentially everythe kids and house because the husbands had such demanding jobs. And on weekends, it was expected that they often would be out on the golf course with clients. These days that has changed. Now the clients are too busy with their own lives and families to be on the golf course all weekend. Demanding job or not, DH and I married and had kids expecting to coparent and that's essentially what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were in big law for three years when we had our first. I started staying home when the first was a year old and since then have had a second. I have been home for three years. The plan is for me to SAH at least as long as he is at a firm (which is looking to be a looooong time).

None of the wives in my husband's practice group work even the ones w/o kids or grown kids. None of the wives in my former practice group work.

Wow, that's crazy - even the women without kids don't work? Why is that? Of course, there are days when that sounds good to me, but overall, that seems odd to me. I think I'd rather cut grass than not work at all.

That seems strange to me, too. ALL the wives SAH? Weird.

Former BL, now SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were in big law for three years when we had our first. I started staying home when the first was a year old and since then have had a second. I have been home for three years. The plan is for me to SAH at least as long as he is at a firm (which is looking to be a looooong time).

None of the wives in my husband's practice group work even the ones w/o kids or grown kids. None of the wives in my former practice group work.

This was my experience as well. Wonder if there are differences among practice groups? When I was in big law, everyone in my practice group (IP litigation) with children had a SAH spouse, including female associates. That was part of the reason I quit to SAH - I couldn't really perform at pre-baby levels without full time day care PLUS weekday early morning and evening PLUS weekend babysitters. DH wasn't into SAH given his awesome 40-hour, pays-more-than-big law, intellectually challenging, minimal office politics job.

Had I known what I know now, I would've picked a different practice or gone government from the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were in big law for three years when we had our first. I started staying home when the first was a year old and since then have had a second. I have been home for three years. The plan is for me to SAH at least as long as he is at a firm (which is looking to be a looooong time).

None of the wives in my husband's practice group work even the ones w/o kids or grown kids. None of the wives in my former practice group work.

This was my experience as well. Wonder if there are differences among practice groups? When I was in big law, everyone in my practice group (IP litigation) with children had a SAH spouse, including female associates. That was part of the reason I quit to SAH - I couldn't really perform at pre-baby levels without full time day care PLUS weekday early morning and evening PLUS weekend babysitters. DH wasn't into SAH given his awesome 40-hour, pays-more-than-big law, intellectually challenging, minimal office politics job.

Had I known what I know now, I would've picked a different practice or gone government from the start.

I have to ask - what does your DH do???

[Anonymous]

Wife of big law partner. I WOH full time, not necessarily because of the income but because I like my work. I don't really know or care what other spouses do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work long hours but telecommute 100% so I use the flexibility to spend a good amount of time with the DCs and pick up the slack. I used to work in biglaw, though. DH is still biglaw.

I think the "culture" is largely generational. Almost all of the senior partners' wives SAH with their kids (and still do, though kids are high school or older). DH is a senior associate, mid 30s. Of the associates and junior partners, almost all their wives work FT, a few PT. No SAHMs in his group, anyway.

I've chatted with some of the "older" (50+) folks in the group and when they had their kids, the expectation was that they did essentially everythe kids and house because the husbands had such demanding jobs. And on weekends, it was expected that they often would be out on the golf course with clients. These days that has changed. Now the clients are too busy with their own lives and families to be on the golf course all weekend. Demanding job or not, DH and I married and had kids expecting to coparent and that's essentially what we do.

Also, back in the day it was easier to make partner so less 'risk' to assume DH will continue to bring in BigLaw income so wife can SAH. Times have changed.

[Anonymous]

DH is a young biglaw partner, I work PT. It works for us. DH works all the time and travels overseas a couple of times a month for days at a time. It would be a challenge to work full-time for me (I realize others have the energy for it) given that I have all home/family/house/dog/bill-paying responsibilities. And, quite frankly, we don't need the money.

Most of the young partners/senior associates with kids have partners who SAH or work PT, although one of my husband's senior associates just came back full-time from her maternity leave. Anecdotally, in talking with my friends who have husbands in these kind of high intensity jobs, it seems like a pretty consistent opinion that the spouse is the happiest when working 20 hours a week.

One thing I have noticed is that everyone has a really well-educated spouse who has had some sort of professional success (no trophy wives to be seen.) There are a number of reasons I hold onto my job (including that I like it and I worked hard for the Ph.D. it took to get it) but one of them is that I like it that I can to go to firm events/go out with DH's colleagues and have my own professional life to talk about. But, that is my own issue. I don't feel like there is a lot of judging going on.

There are so many people on DCUM who knock families who have a spouse working in biglaw and I don't deny that it has some serious downsides. I also don't think that the job works for every family. The other spouse has to be pretty independent and comfortable spending time/handling things on his/her own. But, there are some upsides that people don't think about as well, at least for biglaw partners. Besides the money (and there are other jobs that pay better at the higher levels than biglaw and don't require as many hours), the thing that we like the best is the flexibility. DH works a lot but there are no such thing as vacation days and as long as his clients are happy, he can work remotely or take a morning off. Because I work PT at a really flexible job, we can all have a long leisurely breakfast together. We joke that we have family breakfast instead of family dinner. We can also tag along with DH when he travels. Internationally, I can travel business class with him for free (thank you Amex Platinum card).

[Anonymous]

My husband is a BigLaw associate. I am in grad school, so basically PT with flexibility-- I provide most of the care for our toddler.

I agree with the generational comment above.