ugly divorce, no family, where did you find support?

[Anonymous]

I second the recommendation to join New Beginnings. You'll meet other people in similar situations that will provide moral support and other helpful resources. I got separated in Nov. and just joined.

[Anonymous]

I know this is old, but just want to offer some advice about dealing with an ugly/uncooperative ex when you have no family support.

Understand that while you can't control what your ex does, you can fortify yourself and your situation. Develop a roster of reliable sitters whom your son likes, preferably caregivers he already knows, and call on them when your ex flakes. If you're going to travel, don't rely on your ex to do childcare. Have backup even if your ex has agreed to have your son stay over.

These things will get easier, though not necessarily less expensive, as your child gets older. My daughter is ten now, and while her dad is still as big a putz as ever (do I really have to sic child support enforcement on him? yes), through her girl scout troop, activities, and school we have a lot of families we can call on for random overnights and help here and there.

For your own sanity, be firm, and don't put up with his childishness. Is it fair? No. I content myself with thoughts of the singing telegram I plan to send when my daughter turns 18. "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty...." they should get that far before he slams the door, and it'll be worth. every. penny.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Your attorney should be encouraging you to be flexible so long as it isn't disruptive to your child. How does a trade in the middle of a three-night stretch work? Your child is going back and forth every other night, correct? If that's the case, that is not ideal, and since these are elective activities, as opposed to work, I would think a judge would think ill of your X2B. Does he want custody or doesn't he? If he does, it requires sacrifices!

[Anonymous]

Think about the long term when you handle this. I have a "right of first refusal" clause with my ex. If either of us can't be with the child on our night, we must 1st offer the night to the other parent. If the other parent can't or doesn't want to spend time with the child that night, then the parent who's night it was originally must find a sitter/care.

We also don't "swap". We did this early with our kids to maintain the 50/50, but the oldest ,who was then 5, expressed that she didn't like it because it was too confusing and just wanted to know that on such and such day Daddy would come. So now, we really try to stick to the schedule.

But, I work to create/maintain back up sitter options, because the bottom line is that when my ex flakes out and decides to go to a party with a new girl he is trying to impress, I would rather that DCs are with me (instead of with new girlfriend or new girlfriend's mother or some stranger).

Think about expanding your babysitting options -- paid, neighbor, coop or neighborhood teen.

[Anonymous]

I'm late to the conversation here but I can completely relate to your situation. I struggled with those events that caused me a great deal of anxiety such as when it was time for pickups and I was still relying on their mother. Things got much improved when I no longer needed her in any way. Thanks to a flexible boss I was able to go around my need for her help. I hope everything got easier for you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know it's difficult to go without family support.
My family is shattered with divorces and avoidance issues all throughout it so I've relied on coworkers and neighbors when no one in my family could be there. It's difficult to rely on that family support for yourself when you're steering your ship into uncharted territory!

[Anonymous]

"Flexible" on the visitation would be agreeing on a number of switches you make during the months - maybe one per parent? - barring complete emergencies. That seems to allow some ability to go to social events at the last minute, but keep the schedule constant.

As for support for you - do you have old friends you can reach out to? I am stuck in a pretty bad situation too, and I have isolated myself from old friends and relatives because I just don't want to let them in right now. Maybe you have that old college best friend who would be happy to let you lean on her now.

[Anonymous]

This is why I think the new trend of 50/50 custody isn't good for kids. I am sure some parents can make it work but that's only if they have a decent working relationship. How many divorced couples does this sound like? I would've been a basket case if my parents traded me off like this. How about every other weekend and dad picks up once or twice a week from daycare and returns child after dinner?

[Anonymous]

8:56 I imagine you mean well, but your post is not helpful. Do you understand that the system pushes 50-50 or something close like 4/3 in part to keep both parents involved in their child's life? It is complicated, but my child is not a basket case doing 50-50. He is a wonderful young man who just finished his freshman year of college. His dad and I lived near each other (a few blocks a way) and tried to be flexible. It wasn't perfect but what you propose leaves the dad on the fringes of his child's existence.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I found a good therapist, and eventually other divorced and single moms. Your ex should not cc: folks / friends on emails about the schedule or anything else. Have you told him in writing not to to that, and cc:'d your attorney?

[Anonymous]

Btw - this is a super old thread. The OP may or may not still frequent to respond. It would be interesting to see how things have worked out a couple of years later though.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Things have not gotten easier. I was awarded primary custody because of the kinds of issues I documented. This seemed to make XH even crazier than ever. Now I face scores of emails complaining about me, and worst still reporting about our child's responses to his complaints about me ("no wonder he thinks you're cruel.")

Now I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to get back to court to cease putting our child in the middle, something that is terribly destructive of his relationship with me and his sense of well-being.

I have a journal and I try to be constructive about my stress, but honestly some nights I cry myself to sleep after these emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Things have not gotten easier. I was awarded primary custody because of the kinds of issues I documented. This seemed to make XH even crazier than ever. Now I face scores of emails complaining about me, and worst still reporting about our child's responses to his complaints about me ("no wonder he thinks you're cruel.")

Now I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to get back to court to cease putting our child in the middle, something that is terribly destructive of his relationship with me and his sense of well-being.

I have a journal and I try to be constructive about my stress, but honestly some nights I cry myself to sleep after these emails.

I'm so sorry. My SIL went through this. Be careful. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I know this is old. But just wondering if you’re still out there OP and how it has been going.

[Anonymous]

Get a therapist if you don't already have one-it sounds like you're schedule is already tight, I have friends who have done therapy through telemedicine and said they were happy with the convenience. Lean on your friends, and if you feel like you don't have friends invest some time and energy in reconnecting or reaching out to new people-I was very social isolated at the time of my divorce. I reconnected with some people, met people through my college alum network, really made an effort to connect with families at my child's daycare, joined an activist group-now I feel like I have a big network I can draw on when I need to and those people collectively make me feel so much better about life! You might see if you can find a closed/secret facebook group for divorced parents-I'm in one for divorced queer parents, and it's great for talking through just the kind of issues you have posted about. Finally, google "Big gray rock" if you don't already know it-it's a strategy for dealing with with people you have to be in contact with who manipulate/take advantage/push the limits. Good luck, this is a hard time but it does get better.