Raising the Spirited Child

[Anonymous]

The Book is wonderful.
Really. Check it out at the Library and read it. very quick read. and anyone who doesn't believe that there are in fact "spirited "children has no education in reagrds to child development etc. There are studies that have proven that children are born with different temperments. So whatworks for one child will NOT work for all.
OP, please do yourself (and your child) a huge favor and read the book.

[Anonymous]

If you are talking about
"Raising YOUR Spirited Child:a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic"
Then it is AWESOME.
I highly recommend it.

[Anonymous]

PP here meant to add the author:
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:47 - care to share the name of the therapist(s) you used? The tantrum thing is definitely my child - we can't do the normal walk away, but have to be there for him in some way.

The 1st one is retired now.

The 2nd one - I don't like to recommend because I know a lot of people that were not happy with her. She sort of just worked for my son.

I recommend asking your pediatrician.

I am sorry I can't be more helpful with a recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:@15:54 - OP here: thank you for posting some helpful information. I think in the 3+ years visiting DCUM, this is one of the few times I've posted and actually received true help.

Thanks - I ususally get "oh just spank him for goodness sake and stop spoiling him".

Good Luck to us all.

[Anonymous]

12:47 here: thanks! Alfie Kohn also talks about the alternative to time-outs, of staying with the child and offering what you describe, your presence and willingness to be on hand for them if/when they need something from you. Basically, reinforcing the relationship while not getting sucked into the drama. He also talks about inviting a child to take a break in a special spot, either with or without you, when they need/want to calm down.

[Anonymous]

I have heard Karla Fife in VA recommended as a good behaviorist but I think she works mainly with school-age kids.

[Anonymous]

13:54 here--I'm not sure the age of your dc, OP, but one thing that worked pretty well for us after age 4 or so was (1)inviting our child to help solve the problem and (2) letting many, many ultimately trivial things go. So..a tantrum brewing over say, wearing a coat. First offer a choice-this coat or that coat? child: no coat. You: Its pretty cold out (make an observation about the choice, no judging). child: no coat! you: so its cold and you don't want to wear a coat (summary), can you think of a solution to this problem? child: no coat! you: OK, you are going to choose to be cold? child: yes. So, child doesn't wear a coat, you bring the coat, and 1 block later the child asks for the coat. You hand it over without comment.

or with a child who never wants to wear a coat, you can brainstorm a solution together and come up with a mutually-agreeable plan. wait for a calm moment and then say, "hey, i've noticed that we've been having disagreements about coats in the morning. Let's come up with a solution for this problem." and see what the dc suggests. For instance, if the temperature reading at the time of leaving the house is 50 degrees or above, dc doesn't wear a coat. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Have a spirited now 9 year old. at age 3,4,5 - that book was a godsend. There are some truely spirited children out there. I found reading books a godsend to building up resistance to all those who would tell me it was parenting, or all I had to do was come down with a heavy discipline plan. Yes, we needed/had a discipline plan, and now in retrospect we can see it worked and worked well, but it was not what everyone was telling us.

You need to find what works for you and your kid, and let no one tell you otherwise. What works might not be what's mainstream, but it will be yours and you own it.

[Anonymous]

We never went that far but we did go with early intervention for our now 3 yo son. He was tested by the OT who said he had mild sensory issues - but that as long as he was kept active in preschool he'd do well. He also had transition issues but labeling items, using pictures as cues & talking about an "agenda" of sorts helped. He's delayed in speech do we'll continue with services.

Anonymous wrote:@12:47: This started at 3 years old.

1. During a tantrum I would either walk away or try to put him in timeout. The psycologist said stay in the room reading a magazine (so it appeared I was not paying attention) and said "let me know if there is something I can do to help you calm down". My H and I both thought it was crazy! He refused, I did it - I was desperate - his tantrums were crazy, off the wall tantrums. His tantrums went from every day to never in 3 weeks and went from 30 minutes to 5 minutes in 3 days.

2. We charted - stars for good behavior - stars - that was it. A freakin star. The stars didn't even gain him things like snacks or tv time - just stars. Who knew.

3. We have a schedule for breakfast. Monday - egg sandwich, Tuesday - cereal, Wednesday - oatmeal. He makes the list and can change it.

4. Wake up - alarm - starting at 5, it seemed so young. I thought hugs would be better but he likes the alarm.

5. We did and still do Magic 1-2-3 (one kid stops on 1 the other always goes to 2) - but I don't do timeout as a consequence. Consequences change with age.

I can go on, and on, and on.

At 9 years old we did some behavioral therapy for rigidity and anxiety issues. About 7 meetings with a psycologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:54 here--I'm not sure the age of your dc, OP, but one thing that worked pretty well for us after age 4 or so was (1)inviting our child to help solve the problem and (2) letting many, many ultimately trivial things go. So..a tantrum brewing over say, wearing a coat. First offer a choice-this coat or that coat? child: no coat. You: Its pretty cold out (make an observation about the choice, no judging). child: no coat! you: so its cold and you don't want to wear a coat (summary), can you think of a solution to this problem? child: no coat! you: OK, you are going to choose to be cold? child: yes. So, child doesn't wear a coat, you bring the coat, and 1 block later the child asks for the coat. You hand it over without comment.

or with a child who never wants to wear a coat, you can brainstorm a solution together and come up with a mutually-agreeable plan. wait for a calm moment and then say, "hey, i've noticed that we've been having disagreements about coats in the morning. Let's come up with a solution for this problem." and see what the dc suggests. For instance, if the temperature reading at the time of leaving the house is 50 degrees or above, dc doesn't wear a coat. Etc.

Good post, PP. For us, routine, reasoning and warnings are the keys. We used to refer to DD as Ms No No, because she objected to everything. Now we follow a daily routine, and she knows what to expect, and I always provide good reasons for her. "It is cold outside, wear your coat, or you will be sick!!", "If you don't brush your teeth, the germs in your mouth will eat your teeth and you will have toothache, besides it will be you that is in pain, not me!!" And I always announce what is coming to prepare them mentally to avoid meltdowns, "When we get back into the house, take off your shoes and socks, wash your hand, and sit down at the table for dinner." Foresee what will lead to tantrums and try to control the environment to prevent them from happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:54 here--I'm not sure the age of your dc, OP, but one thing that worked pretty well for us after age 4 or so was (1)inviting our child to help solve the problem and (2) letting many, many ultimately trivial things go. So..a tantrum brewing over say, wearing a coat. First offer a choice-this coat or that coat? child: no coat. You: Its pretty cold out (make an observation about the choice, no judging). child: no coat! you: so its cold and you don't want to wear a coat (summary), can you think of a solution to this problem? child: no coat! you: OK, you are going to choose to be cold? child: yes. So, child doesn't wear a coat, you bring the coat, and 1 block later the child asks for the coat. You hand it over without comment.

or with a child who never wants to wear a coat, you can brainstorm a solution together and come up with a mutually-agreeable plan. wait for a calm moment and then say, "hey, i've noticed that we've been having disagreements about coats in the morning. Let's come up with a solution for this problem." and see what the dc suggests. For instance, if the temperature reading at the time of leaving the house is 50 degrees or above, dc doesn't wear a coat. Etc.

This approach is similar to what has succeeded for my son. I think the Explosive Child describes this process well. I also like Parerenting with Love and Logic. It describes a parenting technique that is allowing your child to make a lot of choices as the PP describes. For some kids, they really need to feel like they are in control. So, you can avoid a tantrum by phrasinght things cleverly. For instance DC wants a snack but refuses to wash hands first. Instead of saying "no. you have to wash your hands" you say "I'm happy to get you a snack as soon as you wash your hands. [big smile]" Made a HUGE difference for my sone starting around 4 yo.

[Anonymous]

I am reading the book because I have a very "spirited" 3 yo, and agree with the 13:50 poster. It's helpful just to be able to frame some of my son's more challenging traits in a more positive way. I am finding it to be helpful both in terms of dealing with the issues -- you don't necessarily want to change the trait, you just need to figure out how to work with it more effectively -- and also just for my own sanity. I am much less frustrated when I can look beyond the acting out and see his independence and fiery personality that will serve him well as an older child.