If you grew up with violent or addicted parents and now have a happy family life, do you get angry?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I get angry, but I try not to dwell on it. My parents are still alive, and I see them once a year. They divorced when I was four years old, but they reconnected and moved in together when I was in my mid-20's. They're 78 and 83 now. My father is an alcoholic and used to be physically and mentally abusive. He doesn't drink very often now, but he still has a wicked tongue and can be very ugly. He's on his best behavior when he's around me, because I won't tolerate it.

I have tried to understand the dynamics of battered spouse syndrome, but it has actually become more difficult to do so, since having my own daughter. When I was younger, I always sympathized with my mother. When she reunited with my father after being divorced for 20 years, all of my siblings had a difficult time with it. After all, none of us could understand why she was willing to go back to someone who caused so much pain for all of us. My feelings for my mother are mixed. I don't really paint her as a victim, but it's hard for me to blame her, due to her own upbringing and insecurities.

Their relationship created a long legacy of dysfunction, and all of my grown siblings and their children have paid a price. I was the lucky one, because I was so young when they divorced. Still, I have had my share of issues with relationships and self-esteem, making my journey a rocky one. By far, I'm the most accomplished and balanced of my siblings. They still suffer, and it angers and saddens me if I think about it.

Therapy helped a great deal. I'm now in a stable, happy marriage with a man who honors and loves me. He's the kind of father I wish I had had. I try to be the best mother for my daughter and strive to instill her with self-love and respect. She'll have a much better chance than I did.

[Anonymous]

My husband's dad is vicious BPD, so my poor husband grew up with terrible emotional and verbal abuse. Add on that his parents were immigrants who both worked long hours and were totally uninvolved except to harp on any perceived shortcomings, and it's a nightmare.

Our family life is wonderful. He made a firm resolution to be everything his parents were not. He is an affectionate, doting, involved, firm father whose children adore him.

As for his parents, time and distance has given clarity to what really went on when he was little. There is still a lot of anger, but also a lot of understanding and forgiveness...unspoken, however. I respect his need for distance and avoidance. He knows I am always on his side, always have his back. Even a small amount of time with his parents is very draining, though. And it's getting harder to hide their faults from our kids.

Forgiveness--even when undeserved, unacknowledged, and unappreciated--is very unburdening. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.". By grace, even the worst suffering can lead to good things, like a warm and loving family life for your own children...

[Anonymous]

Mil is hostile and it has definitely affected all of the children. She is the maybe its you passive aggressive type who never has anything nice to say to anyone actually deserving of it. It's maddening to watch the spin, just as she likes it, so I stay away from it. If only dh would get the help he needs.
Anything to not grow Old bitter bullyish and entitled like mil!