Last name debate

[Anonymous]

On my social security card all four names are on there - so officially I never "dropped" a name. On my license it just has my first, maiden and last name. I didn't like the idea of just getting rid of my given middle name, so it's officially there, but I rarely use it on legal documents.

[Anonymous]

Why not hyphenate? I don't get it. Who cares how it sonds? It's the fair thing to do. The child will know his/her parents are real partners. And, frankly, it's silly to be the only one with the different last nae. What does it teach the kid?

[Anonymous]

So because I didn't change my name, my CHILDREN don't know that my husband and I are "real partners"? That has got to be the most ridiculous reason I've seen put forth on this subject. I get convenience, I even get the whole presenting a united family to the world. But so the kids realize that their parents are... their parents - not so much.

[Anonymous]

If you continue to use your maiden name professionally, and if you happen to be an attorney, you do not (and should not) change your bar admissions. I have hyphenated my last name, but have continued to use my maiden name only professionally in part because of the bar admission issue. It's much easier to change your last name with social security and the dmv than with all of the courts, etc.

[Anonymous]

And, frankly, it's silly to be the only one with the different last nae. What does it teach the kid?

It teaches the kid that women can choose to keep their own name and don't have to change it when they get married. Geez!

[Anonymous]

This last name changing thing is really very cultural. Women are not expected to change their names after marriage in Korea, Russia, Spain, Netherlands ... anywhere else?

[Anonymous]

They don't change their names in China either.

[Anonymous]

I dropped my middle name entirely - was never a big fan of it. But I've seen many people use all four names or First M.I. Maiden Name Last Name.

It was important to me, in deciding on a name, to represent both families. And, now that we're expecting our first child I'm glad that I will share the same last name. The only question for me is whether I give her my maiden name as a middle name as well or choose another.

[Anonymous]

I didn't take my husband's last name, and I can't say that I've been particularly concerned that I have a different last name than DD. However, I did want to feel like DD had part of me in her name, so what we did was use my last name as DD's middle name. We will do this for future DCs as well. I like this because I don't feel compromised by giving up a part of my name (not passing judgment, just saying how it would have made ME feel), but I still have a name in common with DCs.

[Anonymous]

To 16:26. Actually, i think it teaches kids that they belong more to the dad than they do to the mom. It's subtle, but language is how we define our world, how we communicate culture to our children. Why shouldn't a kid's last name reflect his or her heritage equally? It teaches children that in our society the default gender SHOULD be male. And if you think I'm taking this too far, ask yourself, how many times have you called a group of women or mixed gender "guys". No one would dare say, hi girls, to a bunch of boys, right? Why can't the feminine, be it a last name or a conversational mode, at least be equal?

And by a PP's use of "partner": of course the kid is going to know mom and dad regardless of last name. It's bigger than that. It's knowing - and since naming traditions are reflections of what a society deems important - that mom's identity as it relates to the child and to society is as important as dad's.

[Anonymous]

I am facing the same problem. I don't intend to change my maiden name soon, so we decided to give my last name to the baby, together with dad's last name. (withouth hiphenating it). For health insurance I use my husband's last name, even though I haven't changed my name legally, and I never had a problem. Bottom line, the baby will use only the first and last name at the end, it won't matter, but I just wanted to have my last name there!

[Anonymous]

For the PP (14:36) who asserted that name changes after marriage are indicative of a culture's attitude toward gender, how do you explain the fact that most Arab women do not take their husband's surname upon marriage? I'm a huge fan of the Arab world but I think it would be a stretch to suggest that gender equity is one of the region's strong suits.

Not trying to start a side war, but just trying to make the point that everyone should use whatever name or naming system they feel most comfortable with. The personal may be political but let's try to avoid demanding that everyone else hew to our own preferences. I kept my maiden name primarily for convenience, my son has his father's last name and I take no offense if I'm called by it (nor does he mind the reverse, which happens just as frequently.) It hasn't hurt my connection to my son in the remotest, believe me. I have lots of family and friends who've done things differently - changed their names, hyphenated, incorporated maiden names as middle names. That's great as far as I'm concerned. Do whatever works for you - when it comes to something as individual as a name, no one should be forced to follow a model they aren't comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

If you have an open-minded husband, there's always the option of giving your child your last (maiden) name as their last name. A good friend who had kept her maiden name did this for her child, but her husband is exceptionally liberal. She got a lot of grief from her family for it, but really, why should it be so much more important for a child to have the father's last name than the mother's if they are different? That being said, I kept my maiden name and DS has my husband's surname so obviously I didn't "walk the walk".

[Anonymous]

I legally kept my maiden name so I do use it professionally, but friends, family, neighbors know me by my husband's last name, which is what my children have. This kept the whole tax document/ legal forms/ etc. easy. Unless I am at work, I introduce myself to people using my husband's last name.

[Anonymous]

"It's the fair thing to do. The child will know his/her parents are real partners. And, frankly, it's silly to be the only one with the different last nae. What does it teach the kid? "

You wouldn't want to teach you children that women should not do what others expect of them! You also must change your name or others may not believe you are really married.This could lead to missed invitations to the militia moms morning coffee, abortion bombing seminars, and ant gay rights protest playdates. Your hubby could lose his spot in the gun club too!