Any tips for dealing with a teen caught shoplifting?

[Anonymous]

My DC was caught at a CVS for shoplifting about the same age. The store manager called me and made me pick him up but did not call the police. I would be surprised if they would call the police in OP's case because even with the admission it's not really a basis for legal action if they didn't observe the shoplifting.

My DC was banned from the store by the manager for several months (which meant he had to make some explanation to his friends who liked to go there after school). I also took my time in getting there to pick him up so he had to squirm a bit. And of course discussions about trust, consequences, etc. It all made an impression on a kid who otherwise (and since) has not had significant discipline/respect issues. It's always a good idea to ask the kid what he/she things the consequences should be -- often they think of things more severe than the parents might otherwise impose.

In talking to friends, I found many who had very vivid memories of getting caught shoplifting many many years before (and most right about that same age -- 12-13), so unless this seems to be part of a bigger issue, I suspect that being caught by you will make the biggest impression.

[Anonymous]

I've talked to two of the four (!) store managers that we will be going to, but am not telling DC that I've pre-called anyone. Of the two, so far both have indicated they would not be calling police. Though if they would, I don't know that it would change my approach from going in - I think this is very serious and whatever the consequences are, we should deal with.

I think this will be an afternoon DC will not forget- apparently this was the first time. I'd be shocked if it wasn't the last. The items stolen were not significant in volume or size, but the act of having to go to four stores and admit this four times I think will make an impression.

[Anonymous]

How did it go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was caught by my dad when I was 10, so a little younger but this is how he dealt with it.

He caught me in the parking lot right after I stole the items, so we went directly back into the store and returned them to the manager. The manager gave me a stern talking-to and said I was lucky that they were not going to press charges.

My father then took me to the police station and asked the police to talk to me. It was quite scary. He also wanted to take me to juvie hall to see "where [I] could end up," but for some reason my mom didn't let him.

I also got a spanking and grounded for a few weeks.

I don't have a teen (only a toddler), but I would pretty much do what he did except a spanking. If the police don't get involved, I would make my child do some sort of community/volunteer service.

PP, what your father did was very smart.

OP, I would do the above, find some community service that he has to do for six months and that cuts into his free time, and return most of his Christmas gifts. In fact, I might return them all and tell him that the things he shoplifted are his gifts as you had to pay for them. Don't let anyone convince you that this is not a big deal because it is. I would also take a close look at the kids he runs around with because it is likely they also shoplift. Start checking carefully for any sign of taking drugs because some of his friends probably do drugs.

[Anonymous]

I was caught shoplifting at the same age. At the time I had no idea why I was doing it, as I was not doing drugs and did not need the items I stole. In retrospect, I was bored and wanted a thrill. It was incredibly stupid.
I would suggest talking to your teen about why he/she thinks they did this. I think the idea of community service is a great one. Perhaps volunteering with families that are in need, so that your teen can better appreciate how ridiculous it is for someone that has their basic needs met to steal unnecessary items.

[Anonymous]

I agree that there need to be consequences, but I would be wary of reporting the theft, only because so many stores have zero tolerance policies these days, and you really don't want your kid going through what could be a months-long criminal prosecution, even if you think he deserves to "do the time."

Zero tolerance policies are necessary because kids think it is no big deal to steal. I think the OP is correct. Bring the kid in to confess. If the store calls the cops, so be it. The kid is 100% wrong and deserves to face the consequences of his/her actions. Anything less is soft-pedaling and does not serve the student or the public.

[Anonymous]

OP back-it went great (as great as it could have gone). We went to all 4 stores, the managers at each store gave a mixture of sternness and some level of forgiveness- it was very humbling for DC. No one called the police, but if they had, it would have been part of the consequence and we would have dealt with it. 3 out of the 4 stores (what was DC thinking - 4 stores!) took significant time to talk with DC and outline the potential consequences, the impacts, the effect it has on their job security, etc.

DH and I both went and stood back and let DC do the talking- my only instruction to DC was that they should ask to speak to the manager. I did not mention that I called ahead of time. I actually teared up several times. At one store, one associate told DC the story of how her child has gotten mixed up in this and ended up in the juvenile court system. The associate also teared up. The associate and manager hugged DC when done. I could tell this had the biggest impact on DC - seeing how personnally this affected the woman.

At another store, the manager talked about how his kids had done this and at one point he called the police on his own kids. That they are now productive adults. This also made an impact on DC. At a more youth oriented store she got a very stern look and an eye roll from the manager- not a lecture so much, but more so a peer-level admonishment.

I plan on writing notes to each of the people we spoke with - all had a huge impact and I really don't think DC will do this again. If anyone ever catches their child shoplifting, I think this approach was really effective. I guess I'll have to report back in 5 years to confirm if it worked great- but I think it did.

[Anonymous]

This is precisely why juvie records are sealed at age 18.