is Loving the Husband More Than the Kids is Key to Good Life

[Anonymous]

Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great had and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great had and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

ITA. What a ridiculous topic to debate.

[Anonymous]

I dunno. I put my husband first as a husband and my children first as children. They have overlapping but different needs, of course. Without question, if my husband should ever cross over into unhealthy territory with my kids, he'd be on my sh!t list, for sure. And if I pretend my kids have "needs" in order to justify behaving badly in my marriage, well, shame on me.

[Anonymous]

I make no bones about the fact that I love my children way more than I love my husband. My children love me unconditionally. The love my husband and I have for each other is conditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make no bones about the fact that I love my children way more than I love my husband. My children love me unconditionally. The love my husband and I have for each other is conditional.

Wait until they are teens! Then they love you conditionally based on what you can do for them!

I agree with the article. A strong marriage (and that requires time, effort and making it a priority) creates a strong family and that is healthy for the kids. Focusing on the kids does not a strong marriage make and that can lead to divorce or conflict and not so healthy for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chooble colgiimfagle. Nerble gobinweld.

snicker snicker.

Ok folks the bible really is a good read. Just skim it, Not for the religious mumbo jumbo but for the hard learned lessons. There is a reason Let no man put asunder is in there. Just like our constitution man covers women and children too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great dad and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

I agree. There are seasons to a marriage and to parenting. I think it's unhealthy to look at it as black and white from either perspective - being in the camp that proclaims DH #1 or the camp that puts the kids there.

There was a woman on Oprah years ago who talked about this being her belief system. Didn't she say she wouldn't die for a child, because they could have more children, but she'd die for her DH b/c she couldn't imagine living without him? If I didn't screw that up, does that sound healthy and well adjusted to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great dad and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

I agree. There are seasons to a marriage and to parenting. I think it's unhealthy to look at it as black and white from either perspective - being in the camp that proclaims DH #1 or the camp that puts the kids there.

There was a woman on Oprah years ago who talked about this being her belief system. Didn't she say she wouldn't die for a child, because they could have more children, but she'd die for her DH b/c she couldn't imagine living without him? If I didn't screw that up, does that sound healthy and well adjusted to you?

Well that's just messed up. I love my DH, I put him first sometimes, and think we have a great marriage. Would I die for him? Possibly. Would I die for him OVER my daughter? Move the fuck over, DH. It would be hard to live without him. It would be impossible to live without my child.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have thought about this too. I feel certain that my husband would want me to choose our children over him. He knows that I would want the same. In fact, I have given DH permission to do anything or be with anyone he wants if I die first as long as he always loves me best and communicates this preference to the new partner in excruciatingly subtle ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have thought about this too. I feel certain that my husband would want me to choose our children over him. He knows that I would want the same. In fact, I have given DH permission to do anything or be with anyone he wants if I die first as long as he always loves me best and communicates this preference to the new partner in excruciatingly subtle ways.

"This spaghetti is good... almost as good as Susan's was..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make no bones about the fact that I love my children way more than I love my husband. My children love me unconditionally. The love my husband and I have for each other is conditional.

Wait until they are teens! Then they love you conditionally based on what you can do for them!

I agree with the article. A strong marriage (and that requires time, effort and making it a priority) creates a strong family and that is healthy for the kids. Focusing on the kids does not a strong marriage make and that can lead to divorce or conflict and not so healthy for the kids.

That's not true. I didn't stop loving my mother when I was a teenager (?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great dad and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

I agree. There are seasons to a marriage and to parenting. I think it's unhealthy to look at it as black and white from either perspective - being in the camp that proclaims DH #1 or the camp that puts the kids there.

There was a woman on Oprah years ago who talked about this being her belief system. Didn't she say she wouldn't die for a child, because they could have more children, but she'd die for her DH b/c she couldn't imagine living without him? If I didn't screw that up, does that sound healthy and well adjusted to you?

No it sounds ridiculous and insulting to any parent who has experienced the death of a child. People can and do often remarry after a spouse dies, but you can never replace a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have thought about this too. I feel certain that my husband would want me to choose our children over him. He knows that I would want the same. In fact, I have given DH permission to do anything or be with anyone he wants if I die first as long as he always loves me best and communicates this preference to the new partner in excruciatingly subtle ways.

Which child would you choose, Sophie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make no bones about the fact that I love my children way more than I love my husband. My children love me unconditionally. The love my husband and I have for each other is conditional.

Wait until they are teens! Then they love you conditionally based on what you can do for them!

I agree with the article. A strong marriage (and that requires time, effort and making it a priority) creates a strong family and that is healthy for the kids. Focusing on the kids does not a strong marriage make and that can lead to divorce or conflict and not so healthy for the kids.

That's not true. I didn't stop loving my mother when I was a teenager (?)

Funny that when a poster forewarns of the day when your 3 year old may be a tad different as a teenager or that the things you believe today may be different 10 years from now, the toddler parent reverts back to when she was a teen ("I loved my mom!!"). You won't hear me when I say this but you as a teenager does not equal your child as a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great dad and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

I agree. There are seasons to a marriage and to parenting. I think it's unhealthy to look at it as black and white from either perspective - being in the camp that proclaims DH #1 or the camp that puts the kids there.

There was a woman on Oprah years ago who talked about this being her belief system. Didn't she say she wouldn't die for a child, because they could have more children, but she'd die for her DH b/c she couldn't imagine living without him? If I didn't screw that up, does that sound healthy and well adjusted to you?

Well that's just messed up. I love my DH, I put him first sometimes, and think we have a great marriage. Would I die for him? Possibly. Would I die for him OVER my daughter? Move the fuck over, DH. It would be hard to live without him. It would be impossible to live without my child.

Right? I am sorry, but I can't imagine my DC cheating on me, or divorcing me. I know emancipation exists, but let's face it -- a child is a child of yours for life. A spouse? They aren't anywhere near as irreplaceable.

And I say this as someone who married the love of my life and has a great marriage. I'd literally lay down my life for my DH or DC, but if I had to choose, DC would win every. damn. time.