is Loving the Husband More Than the Kids is Key to Good Life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have thought about this too. I feel certain that my husband would want me to choose our children over him. He knows that I would want the same. In fact, I have given DH permission to do anything or be with anyone he wants if I die first as long as he always loves me best and communicates this preference to the new partner in excruciatingly subtle ways.

"This spaghetti is good... almost as good as Susan's was..."

oops, I think I peed a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great dad and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

I agree. There are seasons to a marriage and to parenting. I think it's unhealthy to look at it as black and white from either perspective - being in the camp that proclaims DH #1 or the camp that puts the kids there.

There was a woman on Oprah years ago who talked about this being her belief system. Didn't she say she wouldn't die for a child, because they could have more children, but she'd die for her DH b/c she couldn't imagine living without him? If I didn't screw that up, does that sound healthy and well adjusted to you?

Yikes, you sound like a moron. That "woman on Oprah" was Ayelet Waldman, and her NYT piece on this subject provoked more letters to the editor than ever before. It was a huge sensation. Not just an "Oprah" thing.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html

http://ayeletwaldman.com/

[Anonymous]

I need space away from loving a spouse or a child to have a relationship with(ok that sounds unnecessarily crunchy) or to tune in to myself.

When that's done I can appreciate each of them as individuals outside our relationship and love...and I think that makes everything stronger.

Sorry if this isn't a fully articulate thought, but it's something I've been chewing on for about a year or so. Stepping away from the "your spouse or your kids" dilemma to give more consideration to yourself. The writer of the linked post touched on it ever-so-briefly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stupid dichotomy. Life moves in phases. When your children are young, the kids come first because their sheer survival depends upon your placing them as a priority. As the kids get older, then yes, the marriage take priority. It's not a zero-sum game either. I like my husband more when I think he's being a really great dad and get pissed off at him when I think that he could be doing a better job at parenting.

I agree. There are seasons to a marriage and to parenting. I think it's unhealthy to look at it as black and white from either perspective - being in the camp that proclaims DH #1 or the camp that puts the kids there.

There was a woman on Oprah years ago who talked about this being her belief system. Didn't she say she wouldn't die for a child, because they could have more children, but she'd die for her DH b/c she couldn't imagine living without him? If I didn't screw that up, does that sound healthy and well adjusted to you?

Yikes, you sound like a moron. That "woman on Oprah" was Ayelet Waldman, and her NYT piece on this subject provoked more letters to the editor than ever before. It was a huge sensation. Not just an "Oprah" thing.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html

http://ayeletwaldman.com/

Geez, what a jerk you are. Are you really that much better than the PP because you read Waldman's piece in the Times before it was on Oprah? Get off your high-horse. And in case you're wondering, yes I read the piece in the Times before it was on Oprah, too.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that loving your husband more than your child is the key to a happy family.

I grew up with a mother who loved her husband more than she loved her children. When my father beat us, she'd stand by and watch. When he downloaded porn on my computer (MY computer in MY room), she blamed me. I confronted her one day in the kitchen and screamed, "How could you put me through this hell? He goes on my computer every day to look at porn." She replied, "Because I will always love my husband more than my children. Whatever he needs, he gets."

Hilariously enough, he dumped her ass after I went to college for a girl who was barely older than myself. Now she claims she put her kids first, and it was our fault that he left her because she paid too much attention to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that loving your husband more than your child is the key to a happy family.

I grew up with a mother who loved her husband more than she loved her children. When my father beat us, she'd stand by and watch. When he downloaded porn on my computer (MY computer in MY room), she blamed me. I confronted her one day in the kitchen and screamed, "How could you put me through this hell? He goes on my computer every day to look at porn." She replied, "Because I will always love my husband more than my children. Whatever he needs, he gets."

Hilariously enough, he dumped her ass after I went to college for a girl who was barely older than myself. Now she claims she put her kids first, and it was our fault that he left her because she paid too much attention to us.

Okay you have to realize that is a ridiculously extreme example and when most of us say at times we put our husband first we don't mean by letting him beat our kids unimpeded.

[Anonymous]

Most of us don't have marriages like Ayelet Waldman. I certainly do not. In addition to the strong physical desire she has for him (check her article), there's this:

"Can my bad motherhood be my husband's fault? Perhaps he just inspires more complete adoration than other husbands. He cooks, cleans, cares for the children at least 50 percent of the time."

[Anonymous]

I agree with the post that mentions that this answer morphs over time. The children usually come first when they are young and dependent. When they are out of college and on their own it is dangerous to keep putting them above the marriage. And it DOES NOT model for them either.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure the article isn't talking about life or death extremes. The way I read it, it is more about small acts of love towards your husband. For example, making a decision to have a date night regularly even tho the kids hate it when you leave them with Grandma. Going on a long weekend away just the two of you, even tho the kids want to go. Choosing not to co-sleep because your husband hates it. Just taking the strength and health of your marriage into consideration when making everyday considerations. These life or death scenarios are absurd -- I don't expect to have to choose between my son and my husband, but if I do I know he will WANT me to choose our son, and he knows I expect the same from him. That isn't what this article is about tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make no bones about the fact that I love my children way more than I love my husband. My children love me unconditionally. The love my husband and I have for each other is conditional.

Wait until they are teens! Then they love you conditionally based on what you can do for them!

I agree with the article. A strong marriage (and that requires time, effort and making it a priority) creates a strong family and that is healthy for the kids. Focusing on the kids does not a strong marriage make and that can lead to divorce or conflict and not so healthy for the kids.

That's not true. I didn't stop loving my mother when I was a teenager (?)

Funny that when a poster forewarns of the day when your 3 year old may be a tad different as a teenager or that the things you believe today may be different 10 years from now, the toddler parent reverts back to when she was a teen ("I loved my mom!!"). You won't hear me when I say this but you as a teenager does not equal your child as a teenager.

Yes, but my oldest child is now 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of us don't have marriages like Ayelet Waldman. I certainly do not. In addition to the strong physical desire she has for him (check her article), there's this:

"Can my bad motherhood be my husband's fault? Perhaps he just inspires more complete adoration than other husbands. He cooks, cleans, cares for the children at least 50 percent of the time."

The fact that she suffers from mental illness (she is bipolar) may have something to do with feelings and writng that skew more to extremes. Also, her husband is the incredibly lovely Michael Chabon, so that may also render things atypical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure the article isn't talking about life or death extremes. The way I read it, it is more about small acts of love towards your husband. For example, making a decision to have a date night regularly even tho the kids hate it when you leave them with Grandma. Going on a long weekend away just the two of you, even tho the kids want to go. Choosing not to co-sleep because your husband hates it. Just taking the strength and health of your marriage into consideration when making everyday considerations. These life or death scenarios are absurd -- I don't expect to have to choose between my son and my husband, but if I do I know he will WANT me to choose our son, and he knows I expect the same from him. That isn't what this article is about tho.

I believe that writer lady WAS talking about life or death. She said specifically that she could tolerate the death of her children, but never her husband. Women like me make me wonder what they'd do if their children were being abused; I'm guessing they'd be like Precious' mom and "overlook" the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

*women like that

[Anonymous]

As long as the father isn't the step-father to said kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is writing a grammatical topic is the key to a good thread?

It was obviously a typo for the OP. Do you get off on pointing out spelling and grammar mistakes on the interwebz?

Come on 2107 was funny.

2107 you made be pee a little