How much do you spend on extended family for Christmas?

[Anonymous]

We just decided to do a secret Santa this year for the adults in the 50 dollar range. It was getting too expensive buying like ten gifts for adults. So secret santa for adults, does not include parents, they will get a gift from each sibling and then we buy for the kids...there are four right now so that's fine. We also decided not to do gifts for dh side of family, just for his parents. Each year we would spend like 300 or more on gifts for them and each year we received nothing in return for our kids...I know it's not about the receiving, but after five years this bugs me so we are stopping this year.

[Anonymous]

We decided to do away with adult gifts. Every last adult family member on either side of the family has every last thing they could ever possibly need and then some.

When SIL started asking for jewelry - high end jewelry - we put the kibosh on it. Now, there are certain people who buy for each other as if to say "nah-nah-nah", but we just laugh. We have done too much for people already, and it got us nowhere. Really, the holiday is about the children. These were the same people who said adults only events (at bars, for example) were somehow about children, so you can see WTH we are dealing with. B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S. So convenient. It's for the kids, OP. No IL's are going to change that. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Cash the $400 SIL check from last year, then write your SIL and MIL checks for $200 each this year. Easy.

[Anonymous]

We spend Zero. It's wasteful and unnecessary. Gifts for just the kids.

[Anonymous]

Token gifts for my sisters and BIL if and only if we will be in the same place on Christmas (less than $10). Otherwise, by mutual agreement we don't exchange. I send my sister's kids an ornament each year, otherwise she's asked me not to send more as they get so much already and they have a small house. My parents invariably say not to get them anything, but we do anyway-usually something small or something consumable (booze, chocolate, etc).

DH has no siblings, so it's just parents and 2 grandmothers on his side.

[Anonymous]

I'd say $400.

[Anonymous]

Nothing.

[Anonymous]

We draw names for the adults and the limit is $50. Only five kids total, two of those are ours and they each get a gift from each family. Overall not too terribly stressful.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that as the sister whose brother stopped giving gifts (birthday) the year he got married (at his wife's request) and who has been asked not to give gifts to them for Christmas (including the children, one of whom is a godchild), this can actually hurt, a lot. There is not a financial issue for anyone involved. The SIL does not believe in gifts (finds them wasteful) and re-gifts when she does gift. I know I shouldn't be hurt about it, but I am, and I can't shake it.

Probably, the "can't shake it" stems from the year that she had my brother go to my parents and get the receipts for all the gifts my mother had gotten her children. She returned all the gifts and brought the money back to my mother (who is disabled and whose pleasure lies in giving things to the children, because other than spending time listening to them play -- she is legally blind and deaf in addition to restricted mobility). My mother was devastated, hurt because of the perceived "rejection" and sad because she had chosen things the children would like.

My point is this: if there are family who really want to participate in giving, particularly when there are children, please engage in a discussion about the practice. As in our case, you may learn that a lot of "love labor" goes into this and that it means more than one would imagine. Thanks for letting me get this out; you can tell it still bothers me. . . .