my marriage is being ruined by a generator! Help!

[Anonymous]

My priority is the baby and if protecting her health means a divorce than so be it.

OMG you will one day make a great mother-in-law. My priority! Is the BABY! Clap. Clap. Clap.

[Anonymous]

Op you need to step away from this and try and see it more rationally. I imagine your husband has dug in his heels because you flew off the handle like an insane person. deal with each of the issues with him when you are calm in a non confrontational manner.

1. Buying large purchases with consulting you. is this a conversation you have had before and something you had decided on? If yes then discuss why he didn't honor this agreement, if no then talk about why you would like to be included in future purchases.

2. set aside your feelings that he thinks that his servers are more important than you and the baby. Likely this is not the case at all and you telling him this or insinuating this is only going to make him justifiably mad. Many men feel a bit lost the first few months of a new baby as they get pretty much pushed to the side and it can be a rough adjustment. Also you seem to have a bit of 'my baby' syndrome and hormones or not you need to respect him as an equal parent. If by some chance he truly doesn't care about you or the baby then you need counseling ASAP and the generator really isn't the issue.

3. Discuss the distance the generator should be in a rational manner. Maybe tell him you don't know much about them but while you can see the benefits of having a generator (they sell out because they are beneficial to have) you found the noise and exhaust to be irritating. Ask him if he can print you off some details about the generator so you can learn more about it. You can look for info too and share this with him. next time a 'hon can you move that farther away from the door' would be a better approach then "YOU ARE KILLING MY BABY'.

4. You don't need to call the police or threaten divorce and if you have mentioned either to him over the generator issue then you need to apologize. Who you should call is a therapist to deal with your anxiety / overreaction issues (unless this is an aberration and can be chalked up to hormones and sleep deprivation) and a marriage counselor to help the two of you communicate better so you aren't caught in a unhealthy power struggle over a generator.

[Anonymous]

great post 2:43. Heed this advice, OP.

FWIW, generators are all really loud. My neighbor had one running through Irene, and it was hard to sleep. But the generator was at least 20 feet from the house in the back yard. No fumes I noticed, just noise.

I bought a generator $500 from Home Depot without consulting DH. He approved of the purchase, as it was hell without lights during Irene. I hope I never have to use it.

[Anonymous]

Right on, 02:43. Very wise. Are you a therapist?

[Anonymous]

I am the OP, I sasid my hubby and I have issues -- I meant we have issues that go beyond the generator. But the generator is about to break us.

My hubby claims he has "read up" on generators and gets mad if I make suggestions like "move it away from the house."

He also bought the generator for himself, not for me and the baby. He bought it for some servers he has running. I have told him I will leave the house if he runs the thing again and he says "OK that's fine." I have asked him NOT to run it and he refuses to listen to me.

It's not that I am putting my marraige at risk b/c of a generator, it's the principle of the issue. I feel like my husband is not listening to me, not making joint financial decisions with me, not respecting me and lastly, I feel he is putting my family at a health risk.

I mean if your whole house reeks of exhaust and you have a baby, would you be concerned?

[Anonymous]

Here's what you do: Attack the generator with a sledge hammer and he won't use it again.

It's about as rational as anything else you two seem to be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you need to step away from this and try and see it more rationally. I imagine your husband has dug in his heels because you flew off the handle like an insane person. deal with each of the issues with him when you are calm in a non confrontational manner.

1. Buying large purchases with consulting you. is this a conversation you have had before and something you had decided on? If yes then discuss why he didn't honor this agreement, if no then talk about why you would like to be included in future purchases.

OP here -- We have had this discussion MANY times over the years and he continues to buy large items without consulting me. He says if he consults me, I always say NO, so the only way he can get what he wants is to just not tell me about it.

2. set aside your feelings that he thinks that his servers are more important than you and the baby. Likely this is not the case at all and you telling him this or insinuating this is only going to make him justifiably mad. Many men feel a bit lost the first few months of a new baby as they get pretty much pushed to the side and it can be a rough adjustment. Also you seem to have a bit of 'my baby' syndrome and hormones or not you need to respect him as an equal parent. If by some chance he truly doesn't care about you or the baby then you need counseling ASAP and the generator really isn't the issue.

OP here -- DH will not go to counseling b/c he says "that's for people who are unemotionally unstable".

3. Discuss the distance the generator should be in a rational manner. Maybe tell him you don't know much about them but while you can see the benefits of having a generator (they sell out because they are beneficial to have) you found the noise and exhaust to be irritating. Ask him if he can print you off some details about the generator so you can learn more about it. You can look for info too and share this with him. next time a 'hon can you move that farther away from the door' would be a better approach then "YOU ARE KILLING MY BABY'.

OP here --I tried to discuss this with him, but he denied that the house smelled like exhaust. he claims I am making it up and flat out denies it, so he says there is no reason to move the generator away from the house.

4. You don't need to call the police or threaten divorce and if you have mentioned either to him over the generator issue then you need to apologize. Who you should call is a therapist to deal with your anxiety / overreaction issues (unless this is an aberration and can be chalked up to hormones and sleep deprivation) and a marriage counselor to help the two of you communicate better so you aren't caught in a unhealthy power struggle over a generator.

OP here. I am in therapy. DH will not go with me. He sees therapy as being for weak people and the fact I go only makes him think I am a weaker person.

[Anonymous]

I tried to cut a deal with hubby. I said OK, you can run the generator, but please just do the following things

1. Give me 30 minutes to get the baby and leave the house
2. Run the generator at least 20 feet from the house
3. When the lights come back on, please open some windows and air out the house a bit

I said this to hubby and he ignore me. He will not say "OK I will do these things." He just avoids talking about it.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Whatever the cause, I don't see how you can run a household and raise a child together with this total inability to make decisions together. If you honestly think that you've done everything you can to find a way to work together, and you're checking yourself with someone who knows the situation well, then I think you should start preparing to split. This sounds a lot more like an angry work rivalry than a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Are you cute? If you are, it'd be a shame since I have a 15kw generator at my place and moved it when I moved.

That, and my wife would make a killer alimony/CS demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thank you! Sometimes I feel like there are hubby's lurking on this board writing in defense of bad husband behavior!

Techie DH here. OP, It sounds like your hubby has gone off the deep end. I think the more likely explanation is that he's engaging in some serious passive-aggressive behavior. Sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what you do: Attack the generator with a sledge hammer and he won't use it again.

It's about as rational as anything else you two seem to be doing.

Sugar in the gas tank. Also--and I hate to be that commenter--but it sounds like you need to prep yourself for an exit.

[Anonymous]

We have a friend in Arlington who's in the process of having a generator installed and they definitely had to get a permit and it's required a number of inspections by the County. Not sure where you live but you should see if it requires a permit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a friend in Arlington who's in the process of having a generator installed and they definitely had to get a permit and it's required a number of inspections by the County. Not sure where you live but you should see if it requires a permit.

thank you! I will check!

[Anonymous]

I just called. You do not need a permit for a portable generator.