Have you lost a friend because of your PDD-NOS/ADHD child.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so glad you brought this up. I have a somewhat SN DS, and I feel so judged due to his behavior. I have not lost friends, but I have a feeling that other parents are not eager for their kids to play with my son (4). I feel very isolated. My childless friends and neighbors just don't get it (they think you can control your kids), and the ones with NT kids think that there's some poor parenting going on. If they only knew the efforts and sacrifices (financial/career) I am making to work on our issues... It's disheartening.

On the other hand, I would not exchange my DS for anything in the world, and whatever the hardships, he is worth it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the kind words. Wishing you and your children much happiness in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old son has serious behavioral problems (PDD and we think ADD-impulsive/hyperactive). We are working so hard all the time and have spent a fortune on play therapists, social skills, OT, psychologists, etc etc etc etc etc. It is depressing to realize that other SN parents are judging us just as harshly as NT parents when we are out in public having a bad moment.

I don't think other parents are judging you but it's like the PP said - it comes down to how do you want to spend an afternoon and also how much do you want to subject your own child too? As a parent of NT child, its not like I think those who have children with challenges are bad parents or are doing it wrong. Quite the opposite - I think many of them do all they can and spend infinite amounts of time and money to help their child. And I almost certain in the long run for most of the kids all the therapy and effort will pay off but that doesn't change the current situation and no amount of understanding makes me want to subject my child to a hours of playtime with a child who constantly hits, screams, strangles, tantrums, etc.

[Anonymous]

I've learned who my real friends/family are from having a SN DS, with ADHD and possibly autism. For those who can't deal with the challenge of being around a human grenade - good riddance.

[Anonymous]

OP - There was a time when I felt very lonely as baby friends drifted away because their kids were so much easier. We logged a lot of time with a lot of different therapies and things are much better. That said, I have learned that there are moms who love my kiddo for who she is, who see her potential, and who work with me to ensure that playdates are positive for all. And then there are parents who do not get it and never will get it. So, that is my world. A mom friend who does not get it not bad - they just do not fit in my life. I put my focus on relationships that are positive, reciprocal, and have long term potential.

And accepting those facts if freeing - I do not have to worry about trying to be friends with people who are not welcoming to me. I do, on the other hand, work very hard to be inclusive - and just steel myself to the fact that some folks will grab invites and be happy and others will not. It is freeing to let go of worry. I stand up straight, always smile pretty at the other parents and say hello to their kiddos (remembering their names and interests). But I just make myself not care at my core whether they like us or not. I just work hard to model good social skills for my kiddo. So, through diligence, I have built a very supportive social circle, but it took work and it took being very thoughtful about other people's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old son has serious behavioral problems (PDD and we think ADD-impulsive/hyperactive). We are working so hard all the time and have spent a fortune on play therapists, social skills, OT, psychologists, etc etc etc etc etc. It is depressing to realize that other SN parents are judging us just as harshly as NT parents when we are out in public having a bad moment.

I don't think other parents are judging you but it's like the PP said - it comes down to how do you want to spend an afternoon and also how much do you want to subject your own child too? As a parent of NT child, its not like I think those who have children with challenges are bad parents or are doing it wrong. Quite the opposite - I think many of them do all they can and spend infinite amounts of time and money to help their child. And I almost certain in the long run for most of the kids all the therapy and effort will pay off but that doesn't change the current situation and no amount of understanding makes me want to subject my child to a hours of playtime with a child who constantly hits, screams, strangles, tantrums, etc.

First off, I disagree. NP here and yes, some parents assume it's parenting. My neighbor tried to give me advice because apparently with 4 NT she is now the world authority on parenting. Se doesn't get that SN can present in all different ways and she is the one I posted about long ago who said "Your child is fine. Stop worrying. He doesn't look retarded at all." That is downright ignorant on soooo many levels.

That said, I understand what the parent of a NT child said. We've had playdates I've ended early because my child ends up miserable and has multiple bruises. We've had playdates where I don't think I can keep the child safe in my home. My heart goes out to the parents and I consider all of us to be part of the SN family, but injuring my child and/or highly risky behavior are deal breakers for me.

[Anonymous]

I've not only lost friends, I've lost my entire network of friends. After what I've been through and what I've seen now, having an ASD DS, I'm not sad about the loss. My once meaningless existence with surface-level friends has given way to new friendships with people who are fighting for their children and for the same causes.

There are those who get it and there are the 99% that don't. I prefer to be where I am on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've not only lost friends, I've lost my entire network of friends. After what I've been through and what I've seen now, having an ASD DS, I'm not sad about the loss. My once meaningless existence with surface-level friends has given way to new friendships with people who are fighting for their children and for the same causes.

There are those who get it and there are the 99% that don't. I prefer to be where I am on this issue.

Wow, PP! What a statement! Your post made my cry and think at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Two of my kids have SN. I have an old friend who's a single parent of a child the same age as one of mine. Even before it became apparent that my kids had SN, it was very apparent that her DS did. By the time he was 3, there'd been a number of incidents that led my DH and I to agree that it was not safe to leave him alone with my smaller kids. My friend always had an excuse for him. A few years later, she did seek evaluations and he was diagnosed by KKI and Children's as bipolar and narcassistic tendancies. She definitely has a huge burden and we helped her as long as we could but I eventually had to distance myself because she made choices that made it difficult for me to continue to support her. She hasn't 'owned' those choices. Maintaining a friendship with her took more energy than I had. I'm sure she thinks it's because of her SN child but it's not really the child that caused me to distance myself, it was her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've not only lost friends, I've lost my entire network of friends. After what I've been through and what I've seen now, having an ASD DS, I'm not sad about the loss. My once meaningless existence with surface-level friends has given way to new friendships with people who are fighting for their children and for the same causes.

There are those who get it and there are the 99% that don't. I prefer to be where I am on this issue.

You and other posters here seem to think though that you are somehow different or better - you aren't. You did the same exact thing that the OP is complaining about.

No one is going to love your child or their actions all the time and maybe not even some of the time and why is that not ok? It doesn't mean your friend doesn't accept your child for who they are it means the friend is able to decide boundaries for herself and her own child and there some behaviors that they can't tolerate. News flash - this happens even with kids who are NT.

I think moms of SN children often come off as very condescending and standoffish. You are right - I may not know every correct term for a diagnosis or what every diagnosis entails - but it doesn't mean that I am ignorant and automatically hate your child. People make dumb comments all the time and SN parents are no exception. You too will make dumb comments to other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've not only lost friends, I've lost my entire network of friends. After what I've been through and what I've seen now, having an ASD DS, I'm not sad about the loss. My once meaningless existence with surface-level friends has given way to new friendships with people who are fighting for their children and for the same causes.

There are those who get it and there are the 99% that don't. I prefer to be where I am on this issue.

You and other posters here seem to think though that you are somehow different or better - you aren't. You did the same exact thing that the OP is complaining about.

No one is going to love your child or their actions all the time and maybe not even some of the time and why is that not ok? It doesn't mean your friend doesn't accept your child for who they are it means the friend is able to decide boundaries for herself and her own child and there some behaviors that they can't tolerate. News flash - this happens even with kids who are NT.

I think moms of SN children often come off as very condescending and standoffish. You are right - I may not know every correct term for a diagnosis or what every diagnosis entails - but it doesn't mean that I am ignorant and automatically hate your child. People make dumb comments all the time and SN parents are no exception. You too will make dumb comments to other parents.

What in the world? I just can't believe someone could be this purposefully hateful. How would you go from point A (this poster's comments) to what you have written?

[Anonymous]

This thread is bizarre. So people who don't want to watch your child physically assault their own children are "superficial" and "shallow". The day I sit around and let someone else hit my child without stepping in is the day I call child services myself and tell them to give her to a better parent. Here's a good compromise, every time your child hurts someone else's kid on a playdate the parents should be able to hit you in the face. Still want to meet up? Didn't think so.

Good parents put their own kids first, full stop.

And you are all such pathetic hypocrites. You want special treatment and other people to want to spend time with your kids even though this is really a chance for you to try and get a break from your own children. If you love your kids so much, stop complaining and being defensive and maybe you'd actually have some friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is bizarre. So people who don't want to watch your child physically assault their own children are "superficial" and "shallow". The day I sit around and let someone else hit my child without stepping in is the day I call child services myself and tell them to give her to a better parent. Here's a good compromise, every time your child hurts someone else's kid on a playdate the parents should be able to hit you in the face. Still want to meet up? Didn't think so.

Good parents put their own kids first, full stop.

And you are all such pathetic hypocrites. You want special treatment and other people to want to spend time with your kids even though this is really a chance for you to try and get a break from your own children. If you love your kids so much, stop complaining and being defensive and maybe you'd actually have some friends.

This is not a forum for this kind if talk - please go elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you lost your best friend, and I'm sorry you're having trouble connecting to make new friends. It's especially tough when you don't live in a real neighborhood, and as kids get older there are fewer opportunities to connect over school stuff or other commonalities. This thread has turned so ugly, it's easy to see why you fear being judged. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is bizarre. So people who don't want to watch your child physically assault their own children are "superficial" and "shallow". The day I sit around and let someone else hit my child without stepping in is the day I call child services myself and tell them to give her to a better parent. Here's a good compromise, every time your child hurts someone else's kid on a playdate the parents should be able to hit you in the face. Still want to meet up? Didn't think so.

Good parents put their own kids first, full stop.

And you are all such pathetic hypocrites. You want special treatment and other people to want to spend time with your kids even though this is really a chance for you to try and get a break from your own children. If you love your kids so much, stop complaining and being defensive and maybe you'd actually have some friends.

Yes, you are superficial and shallow. You finally got something right.

We're not looking for special treatment. We're looking for a way to survive in this world of crazy idiots like you who don't get it. You look at a special needs kid and herd your kid away quickly for fear of getting attacked. A mom of a special needs child would give the shirt off her back to anyone else in need because we've learned compassion. We'd even help a selfish bitch like you. Get over yourself...you've never walked a step in our shoes...wondering if your child was ever going to be out of danger, wondering if your child will ever have a friend in this world and ever have a chance to succeed. You have NO idea the commitment the women in this group have put into their children's success. Go back to general parenting and bon-bons. And borrowing the words of another PP, fuck you.