Must be nice to be in love

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you on "his side" or do you spend all your time thinking about what's "wrong" with him? I think it's really, really dangerous to get in the habit of seeing your partner only through the lens of their faults. A good friend of mine in a very happy LTR once told me that she is always on her DH's side, no matter what. If he's pissed at the remote because it's not working right, she yells at it too. I took that advice to heart in my own relationship and it really works. Also - whenever we accomplish anything together, from emptying the trash to major stuff, I always high-five him and shout "Team (last name)." Now he does it too. Good reminder that we are a team and we are always on each others' side. We fight and we've had problems, but we never doubt that core truth between us. The trouble starts when you start aiming at each other instead of at the stuff outside the relationship that makes life hard (e.g., infertility, unemployment, crap day at the office, whatever). Not to sound too corny, but why don't you appoint yourself captain of your marriage's cheerleading team instead of as the quarterback on the other side?

Love this post. This is a huge factor for us.

We're each pretty good at focusing on being of service to the other. That's not only the key to my marital happiness, but to my happiness in general.

That said, I also picked well AND got lucky. I didn't credit that factor as much before meeting DW.

[Anonymous]

Op here....I don't really want to discuss my story, it just depresses me. I want to hear from those of you who are happy, in love and are cared for. Thanks for all the responses so far. Side note, interesting to see all assumed I'm a woman.

[Anonymous]

"The trouble starts when you start aiming at each other instead of at the stuff outside the relationship that makes life hard (e.g., infertility, unemployment, crap day at the office, whatever). Not to sound too corny, but why don't you appoint yourself captain of your marriage's cheerleading team instead of as the quarterback on the other side?"

But this assumes both partners are invested in the relationship and willing to act as part of a team - communicating, looking out for one another, consulting with each other, not keeping (too many) secrets, etc. If one party isn't capable of that (my situation, and I think I chose my partner poorly), then it doesn't matter what the other partner does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The trouble starts when you start aiming at each other instead of at the stuff outside the relationship that makes life hard (e.g., infertility, unemployment, crap day at the office, whatever). Not to sound too corny, but why don't you appoint yourself captain of your marriage's cheerleading team instead of as the quarterback on the other side?

Anonymous wrote:"But this assumes both partners are invested in the relationship and willing to act as part of a team - communicating, looking out for one another, consulting with each other, not keeping (too many) secrets, etc. If one party isn't capable of that (my situation, and I think I chose my partner poorly), then it doesn't matter what the other partner does.

My husband and I have had our rough patches. At times I wondered what the heck I got myself into, what happened to the man I fell in love with. But then I had to take a look at me and how I had changed. I wasn't the in-shape, happy, exciting young woman anymore either. Like the first quoted poster wrote, I was taking aim at him, and he was at me. What I can say is that it makes a HUGE difference if even just one of you starts to change into the person you'd like to be. It makes my husband so happy to get a love note from me. Or when I print him up new pictures of the kids. And it makes me so happy when he just starts giving me a back rub. I've learned that I love making him happy, and when he is happy, I'm happy. I could spend an evening grumbling to myself about how he didn't take out the trash, or I could just let it go and have a much more relaxing night.

I am more in love with him today after all we've been through. He is a wonderful father. And he loves me and shows me. We nev4er went to counseling, but I read a couple books and worked on me. He knew I was reading the books, and he honestly took cues from me working on me and how I was treating him, and he started treating me like the woman he fell in love with again. If you treat others like you would like to be treated, chances are, they will respond in kind.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to let yourself get taken advantage of or be walked all over, nor am I saying to be a martyr. But start little - maybe compliment on the way he/she looks, or thank him/her for doing something around the house. Do something for them. And let yourself be open to renewing a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the exact same boat. I want to leave every single day and no I don't believe there is anyway to rekindle because we have such fundamental differences. I know other women who feel the same way. Sometimes the differences are so great. I too feel so sad on a daily basis and for the life of me can't even remember what love feels like. It sucks. Plus I'm dying for a second child but know that I can't have another under the circumstances. My DH doesn't support to me, barely acknowledges me and acts like every small interaction is a fight. So I hear ya and you are not alone that's for sure!

How did it go so wrong? Just trying to figure out if people choose bad matches or if it's not so much about the match but that two people are committed to the partnership and know how to stay in love or at least continually get back to love in a relationship and that is just in their nature and some get lucky by being that person and finding that person.

Well sadly, when I found out I was pregnant he became a totally different person. When I met him he was full of life and very social...I'm the same way. The day I found out I was pregnant he just decided he didn't have to make any effort anymore to be social, physically fit, interesting, agreeable etc. It's so bizarre. But all I know of him now is that he's the stranger who lives (and sleeps) on the sofa watching CNN endlessly. It's like he decided he no longer needed to make an effort. He's also extremely self-absorbed. For instance tonight I'm really sick and he hasn't once asked if he can help me out. Instead he sees me being sick as something I'm doing "to him" to inconvenience him. He also was so unsupportive during my pregnancy he would be disgusted if I asked him to help me carry down the laundry and wouldn't even participate in DD's birth (my mom had to come into the C section). He's someone I never would have gotten together with if I knew he was going to become a different person like he has. Of course I repeatedly tell him I want to leave and he freaks out and begs forgivness and is great for a few days. Of course that never lasts. It's just the most bizarre thing and there is no way to love someone like that.

Why dont you divorce him then? Seriously, there is more to life than staying in it for a child or whatever reason you are still with him. No one can help you other than yourself. You have the ability to look for love again....take it.

[Anonymous]

I love hearing all of these keys to success. As a newly single woman, I need to really keep these present in my mind for my new adventure. For those who picked poorly, what was it that looking back should have turned you the other way? For those who picked well, what is it exactly that you noticed or was important to you then that has really turned into a boon now?

Unfortunately, it takes 2 to tango and there are SO many factors that go into whether a relationship works or keeps working or not, including lots of issues people carry with them from childhood into adulthood. Those can be so strong and consuming that there is no way to get into a TEAM SMITH mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im married. Have 1 kid. Not in love with my spouse. I wish I was. I see couples who actually want to be with each other, trust each other, respect and love one another and I wish I had that. I wish I came first in my spouse's life. I wish I was cared for. We don't see the world the same and unfortunately, that means we argue a lot.

Those of you who are in love, tell me about it. Tell me how it works, how it feels, what you share with your spouse.

I think a lot of men feel this way when they have kids. Part of the problem here is understanding that so long as you have a little one, you are NOT first in your wife's life, at least for now. This is especially true if you expect her to do most of the childcare. I know that my DH wishes he were first, but frankly, given that I have a career and the fact that he expects me to do 95% of home and childcare management (finding a nanny, daycare, preschool, babysitter; all doctors' appts; feeding; clothes shopping; extra-curricular activities; playdates, etc.), I find myself resentful that he wants even more from me than I already give. When he wants something done around the house, guess who finds a contractor, schedules an appointment, stays home, and pays him? Guess who does the grocery shopping and cooking? I eat my lunch at my desk so that I can get stuff done at home and for our children; he goes out for lunch with buddies. I come home as early as I can; he gets home at 8. By the time the day is done, I just want to hide in a little hole and exhale.

You might want to re-examine why your wife isn't available to you anymore. If you are like many DHs described here, you need to give your wife a break. Really acknowledge how much she does, and then go from there.

[Anonymous]

Right when I was about to write DCUM off, along comes this thread. Thank you, OP (and subsequent posters). You guys are in great form -- truly addressing the issue in a constructive, thoughtful way. No doubt, this thread will help ALL of us who are in or about to get into a relationship.

OP, I definitely thought you were a woman. I am often mistaken to be a woman on DCUM and it makes me wonder about what people are "reading", or picking up on when we read certain posts -- social norms, culture, gender roles?...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the exact same boat. I want to leave every single day and no I don't believe there is anyway to rekindle because we have such fundamental differences. I know other women who feel the same way. Sometimes the differences are so great. I too feel so sad on a daily basis and for the life of me can't even remember what love feels like. It sucks. Plus I'm dying for a second child but know that I can't have another under the circumstances. My DH doesn't support to me, barely acknowledges me and acts like every small interaction is a fight. So I hear ya and you are not alone that's for sure!

How did it go so wrong? Just trying to figure out if people choose bad matches or if it's not so much about the match but that two people are committed to the partnership and know how to stay in love or at least continually get back to love in a relationship and that is just in their nature and some get lucky by being that person and finding that person.

Well sadly, when I found out I was pregnant he became a totally different person. When I met him he was full of life and very social...I'm the same way. The day I found out I was pregnant he just decided he didn't have to make any effort anymore to be social, physically fit, interesting, agreeable etc. It's so bizarre. But all I know of him now is that he's the stranger who lives (and sleeps) on the sofa watching CNN endlessly. It's like he decided he no longer needed to make an effort. He's also extremely self-absorbed. For instance tonight I'm really sick and he hasn't once asked if he can help me out. Instead he sees me being sick as something I'm doing "to him" to inconvenience him. He also was so unsupportive during my pregnancy he would be disgusted if I asked him to help me carry down the laundry and wouldn't even participate in DD's birth (my mom had to come into the C section). He's someone I never would have gotten together with if I knew he was going to become a different person like he has. Of course I repeatedly tell him I want to leave and he freaks out and begs forgivness and is great for a few days. Of course that never lasts. It's just the most bizarre thing and there is no way to love someone like that.

Lots of husbands are jealous/resentful that you, your body, your time, etc. are not "his" anymore. Most husbands get over it, I think, because of the powerful bond and love that comes from the two of you creating an incredible human being. Sadly, it sounds like your husband can't get over it.

[Anonymous]

OP again...sorry to confuse all. I am a woman. I was just noting previously that despite not mentioning my gender in my 1 st post, I thought it was interesting that people (rightly) assumed I'm a woman. Do men not feel this desire to be in love?

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:For those who picked well, what is it exactly that you noticed or was important to you then that has really turned into a boon now?

One thing I did well was market myself correctly. I came to realize that for years I had emphasized only certain aspects of me, and as a result I naturally attracted relatively shallow women. My wife wouldn't have been interested in the persona I used to present, which would have been too intense and edgy. The change in my approach wasn't deceit, but more of a conscious revelation.

[Anonymous]

I was married before, and that helped me know exactly what I wanted and didn't fron a spouse. I could see in a few dates exactly what type of person they were.

When I met the right one. I knew it

[Anonymous]

TheManWithAUsername wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who picked well, what is it exactly that you noticed or was important to you then that has really turned into a boon now?

One thing I did well was market myself correctly. I came to realize that for years I had emphasized only certain aspects of me, and as a result I naturally attracted relatively shallow women. My wife wouldn't have been interested in the persona I used to present, which would have been too intense and edgy. The change in my approach wasn't deceit, but more of a conscious revelation.

That is so interesting. I guess you don't mean that you were just yourself, since you specifically used the words "market yourself correctly." What things did you stress or put forward then as opposed to the intense edgy side of you? Is that the bigger side of you or just the side that you thought would get a better mate? As I put myself out there, this is something that might be good for me to think of. I tend to put forward the "look at all my interests and all the stuff I do" part of me and maybe that is a mistake. I think that is stuff that my ex thought was important and maybe that has influenced me.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the cheerleader. You asked for nice stories... well, tonight my DH made me cry with joy at his sweetness. He's traveling (for work) in a city near where my aging mom lives. Out of the blue and without any prompting from me or her, he decided to pick her up and take her out to a nice dinner. She can be... difficult, to put it mildly, on a good day. And she didn't know he was in town and wouldn't have been the wiser if he hadn't called. But he did it anyway, because we are a team and he loves me and he knows it would make me happy to see her happy. FYI - he also visited one of my closest friends to deliver a baby gift for her new baby. This stuff is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

OP you say you and your husband don't see the world the same. Well, neither do me and DH. I'm as liberal as they come, he is libertarian with some conservative Christian perspectives. Loves Ron Paul and we have gold coins in our safe (the horrors, for me at least!)
We see some parts of the world differently. We agree to disagree. Our motto in our home is "you can't control anyones actions, you can only control your reactions". I love him so much it boggles my mind. I became a stepmom before I knew if I wanted kids of my own. My favorite part of the day is falling asleep together.
On paper, I wouldn't sign up for what we have. But love isn't rational.

OP I know you don't want share personal details. But can you go back to that time where you thought you were in love to figure out what you can carry with you into today? Use that as the foundation. As log as he isn't abusive or hasnt betrayed you, don't give up.

Ggod luck and best wishes.