Reality check: Ex wants me to co-sign loan for him

[Anonymous]

oh HELL no!

Co-signing the loan means you will be RESPONSIBLE for it!!! What do you think will happen if he defaults? You are divorced for a reason. Do NOT let this man have this much control over you. You have to protect yourself and your children.

[Anonymous]

If you are allowing him to treat you like this, you are still emotionally "married" to him and you need to figure out why that is.

Also, my oldest wanted me to co-sign for a car loan when he was a junior in college. He was making pretty good money working part time. I told him it wasn't going to happen. If the bank doesn't think your ex is a good risk, why would you?

The only things you and your ex should be communicating about are visitation schedules and issues directly related to the health and well-being of your children.

[Anonymous]

N
F
W

[Anonymous]

I predict a unanimous response from DCUM - not an easy feat, OP. Horrible idea.

[Anonymous]

No. And start the process for child support.

[Anonymous]

No. There is a time and place for financial arrangements, and it is the divorce settlement. Alimony, child support, division of assets needs to be taken care of then.

After that, no more entanglements.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'll give you the scenario. My friend was engaged, so they bought a house together. Both responsible for it. They break up before the wedding, he stays in the house and talks her into letting him live there with her name on the house. She gets an apartment downtown, he lives in the burbs. She periodically tries to get him to buy her out, he continually comes up with reasons not to. This goes on for years and becomes the bane of her existence. Next thing you know, she finds out his new girlfriend who quickly became his fiance is now living in the house with him. They get married, and my friend's name is STILL on the house. My friend also gets engaged, wants to buy a house with her new fiance and ..... you got it. She can't. She's still tied to the house that her ex and his new wife are living in.
THAT's what will happen. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

I could have written much of your post. Boundaries OP! This person is not your husband and not your friend. A friend wouldn't try to shame you into helping them.

He is a grown up. He is not your child and not your responsibility. Your job is to say nothing negative about him and let your children feel comfortable loving him, having their own relationship with him.

I think you need therapy to talk about boundary setting and why this man still has the power to evoke this kind of angst in you. You have to emotionally divorce, as well.

[Anonymous]

HELL No. You're not nuts. This is a terrible idea. You do not owe him this. And this doesn't help your kids.

[Anonymous]

And yes, he's a manipulative ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you spell, "manipulative"? Absolutely not. My ex was like this. Always managed to make himself the victim. So, this type of thing will only stop when you stop helping him all together. You're going to have to learn how to say "wow, that sucks" and leave. it. at. that. No more offers of anything -- not so much as a glass of water on a hot day. Anything he did for you in the past, he did because he wanted to. You are not responsible for that and don't owe him anything. However, he's coming to you because he knows (subconsciously or otherwise) that he can roll you. It must have worked in the past.

Just for giggles, trying writing out all the things you've paid for (and all the things he's paid for) and all the things you've done for him (and all the things he's done for you). I'd be surprised if your list isn't twice as long. (Mine was.) Look at that list every time he trashes you. It will keep you strong.

Good luck, OP.

OP here. THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing this out. It's been the voice in my head but it feels so good to have it reflected back to me. I really, REALLY appreciate it.

He references the Mac and all I could think about was that---with the exception of December 2010 and June 2011---I had paid for every single diaper that had graced my children's bottoms. With the exception of two onesies bought on a trip to NYC, every single article of clothing that those children have every had on their bodies has been purchased by me. But,...he's the victim.

To be clear: There's no way on earth I am going to co-sign any loan. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear in the original posting.

I hope other posters are as real and supportive as you've been. It really makes a difference. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Why would you ever, ever consider it? Please do not do this.

[Anonymous]

Okay, now I'm welling up with tears. THANK YOU, POSTERS----ALL OF YOU.

We are divorcing for a reason. The bullying took over and became the norm. This sort of gaslighting has only intensified since he moved out. He has willfully ignored any role he played in bringing this about and has tried to insist on me being responsible for his happiness.

I recognize the blessing I received in these children. I have every confidence that the children and I will be fine once all of this clears. I stayed with him because I always knew I was in a better position. I felt bad for him. I guess that's how he was (is?) able to push me around emotionally.

Thanks. Thank you very much for the blunt advice, the sharing, and the support.

His voice has been pitiful and strident. And, hard to ignore. I am making the best decisions I can and am focused on the well-being of my family----which now consists of my children and myself. Period.

Thank you again for reflecting back the absurdity of his demands. The utter inappropriateness!

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You are insane to even consider this. He still has control over you obviously and that is sad.

[Anonymous]

No way would I ever do this (and my ex has asked). You need to be responsible for your financial health and you can't do that when that health depends on your ex (he is called an ex for a reason b/c you are done with him). The fact that he is behaving like a child who isn't getting what he wants shows you that you are making the right choice about this. If he calls you names, God only knows how he will behave when he doesn't have the $$$ for the loan repayment.