Approaches to get Young Adults to start supporting themselves?

[Anonymous]

No loans - between his dad and mom, college was fully funded, and he was given a car by his grandfather. So in a lot of ways, he is a lot more fortunate than most.
His dad (my hubby) wants him to pay for his own health care. My *worry* is that it will come off like he doesn't care, and I know the ex will pay for it and make it out like his dad is a SOB. So I've encouraged him to pay for it, or at least pay for part of it.
It's hard to encourage independence when his mom is always the safety net. We've offered for him to live with us (they live closer to Balitmore while we are closer to DC), and get a job where I work (several student internship positions are open each year). But he's always turned us down. Working doesn't appeal to him, and since he doesn't need to, he won't.
Its frustrating from my point of view because in my family, you left at 18 and made your own way. So I worked through college and took out my own loans. I haven't gotten any money from my parents since. But I know families are different, and times are different. And its upsetting that if we try to "nudge" him towards independence its taken like we're unsupportive and don't care.

[Anonymous]

Well a lot of it depends on the kid. I had 2 kids go through that I needed to take two different approaches.

DC1 graduated from college, was lucky enough to get a job and was willing to work. His probelm was that his money did not go to the basic needs because we subsidized his rent, insurance, etc. He was too busy spending his money on his car, hanging out and showing off. With him, we basically told him 6 months out that were going to stop subsidizing him. When that period expired, we did just that. He was making money so it was easy for him to start paying some stuff, but it did put a dent in his lifestyle while we went to Europe that summer.

Sigh - DC2 was a different animal. Changed his major in college to one that was easy, but made him virtually unemployable (very few jobs in his field for BA's) Came back home and did not even attempt to find work. Hung around all day and played video games and ate. We basically made him pay a nominal rent and buy his own food. At the end of the day, it was the chores and the rules that made him want to leave. Lucky for him, my DC made him get a teacher's cert while he was in school and he got a few sub jobs. He eded up getting a teaching job at a private school in the area. Like the job and is able to afford a modest apartment with a roomate. We gave him our old car. Other than that, we do not pay a cent.

The big issue for you is that you have mom to deal with. Would it be possible for DH and the kid's mom to have a civil discussion about why he needs to be more independent. Seems that they could be better working together on the isue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No loans - between his dad and mom, college was fully funded, and he was given a car by his grandfather. So in a lot of ways, he is a lot more fortunate than most.
His dad (my hubby) wants him to pay for his own health care. My *worry* is that it will come off like he doesn't care, and I know the ex will pay for it and make it out like his dad is a SOB. So I've encouraged him to pay for it, or at least pay for part of it.
It's hard to encourage independence when his mom is always the safety net. We've offered for him to live with us (they live closer to Balitmore while we are closer to DC), and get a job where I work (several student internship positions are open each year). But he's always turned us down. Working doesn't appeal to him, and since he doesn't need to, he won't.
Its frustrating from my point of view because in my family, you left at 18 and made your own way. So I worked through college and took out my own loans. I haven't gotten any money from my parents since. But I know families are different, and times are different. And its upsetting that if we try to "nudge" him towards independence its taken like we're unsupportive and don't care.

Yeah, the thing is working doesn't appeal to many, many adults!!!

But we still do it.

I wouldn't cover the health insurance. You are just propping him up. If something happens, he can still get medical care without health insurance - an emergency room, an urgent care, etc will see him - but he will then have to pay those bills as they will be in his name. I would explain this to him and explain that a single trip to the emergency room for something even minor can and likely will result in thousands of dollars in bills that he will be liable for.

[Anonymous]

"And its upsetting that if we try to "nudge" him towards independence its taken like we're unsupportive and don't care. "

Boo hoo.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do realize that the problam is your stepston's mother's attitude.

You and your husband can tough love your stepson, but if she's willing to cover everything so he doesn't have to work, he won't learn to become financially independent.

My suggestion woudl be to try to have your husband and her come to some sort of agreement about how to handle him -- i realize this probably isn't realistic though.

Since Stepson is living with her, this is what I think she should do (But you have no control over that):

ABSOLUTELY charge rent, room and board. If young man is only working part time, charge 70% of his salary at a minimum if he can't afford market rate. if he is working full time, charge 50%. Why charge MORE if he is earning less? Because you want to make it as uncomfortable as possible for young man to only work part time. give him every incentive to be working at LEAST 40 hours a day. He's young, single, no kids -- no reason he can't work two jobs right now, for heaven's sake!!

You say work doesn't appeal to him right now -- well that's because he still gets room and board whetehr he works or not. His mom needs to make it so that he actually sees an improvement in his life for working more hours.

Also if 50% of his salary doesn't even come close to the cot of room and board, he needs to work off some of his rent in houshold chores and maintenance. If he uses the washing machine and dryer, he should pay $1.50 per load or whatever the going rate is.

Finally -- mom should take the money he pays for room and board and without telling him, open a savings account in his name. This money is to be used someday to pay for his first two months rent or whatever he needs when he is ready to move out. The money for laundry she can save and give him as a gift when he moves out so he can buy his own appliances. Saving the money (without letting him know) might make mom feel better about charging him.

Mom should require her son to cook 2 meals a week, if he eats food she prepares meals he eats other days of the week. And he should take turns doing the grocery shopping, too.

Now, if he is just temporarily living at home while going to school or while working his butt off industriously, there's no need to charge him and require him to do all this work. but if he is basically lazy, mom should put these things into place now -- if he wants to be lazy, he should at least do it in an apartment he pays for himself.

[Anonymous]

PP here. There are cultures, Mediterranean, that scoff at this age-driven rather than situation-driven, criteria. Why should any 21-year-old be saddled with these expenses in this economy if his parents can afford it? What purpose does that serve? He can't find a job if there's no job to be found. If the employment rate was low and he wasn't finding work, I'd think differently. The unemployment rate is something like 16% for your SS's cohort!

OP, I feel for you, it's nice you want to cover insurance (even though it seems more to save face). If your husband won't, then yes, he will be perceived as the bad cop.

I frankly don't think the mother's the problem. I plan to do the same if my son needs it. If he's not on his way after six months to a year, I'll reassess!

[Anonymous]

P.S. 15:43 Your idea means he will not be able to save up for his own place. Basically lazy? Who said he was lazy? The economy's in the tank! I am finding this line of thinking harsh and impractical!

[Anonymous]

From NPR, this past April.
http://www.npr.org/2011/04/02/135064845/even-more-uncertainty-faces-young-and-unemployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. 15:43 Your idea means he will not be able to save up for his own place. Basically lazy? Who said he was lazy? The economy's in the tank! I am finding this line of thinking harsh and impractical!

Yes. He should pay rent to his mom, and mom should save the rent for him and give it to him when he is ready to move out. That way, he isn't livning rent free and getting used to that lifestyle.

I don't know the young man so I can't say for sure he is lazy. But OP, who does know the man said "We've offered for him to live with us (they live closer to Balitmore while we are closer to DC), and get a job where I work (several student internship positions are open each year). But he's always turned us down. Working doesn't appeal to him, and since he doesn't need to, he won't." which sounds a bit lazy and entitled to me.

OP said the young adult is working but only part time. OP didn't say her stepson was diligently searching for a job, but was unable to find one. OP said he doesn't need to work (since mom bails him out) and he doesn't want to work.

I would charge that young man rent, so he would start to feel he had a reason to work! If it hard to find a good paying job, charge him a percentage of his earnings at the very least.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was one of the early posters talking about what we did with my stepson. As others have pointed out though, a lot of these strategies can't be implemented because he lives with his mom. If she isn't on board, and it sounds like she isn't, then you and your DH have limited options for really pushing independence.

However, when it comes to the "DH looks like the bad guy" thing.... DSS is no longer a child. He is old enough to take on board the tough love concept. DH: "Son, I love you very much. I would like to do X for you [e.g. pay health insurance], but I am concerned that you aren't taking on enough responsibility for your own life. When you are ready to do Y [e.g. get a full time job], let's talk and figure out a way for me to help you [e.g. help pay gas or metro fares]." It's very clear that you and DH are willing to support his success, you just aren't willing to support his doing nothing.

My stepson made some poor choices for a while, and his mom tried to help bail him out. We offered financial advice but while he was making truly bad choices, we didn't bail him out. Told him we loved him, but wouldn't subsidize stupidity. He's gotten his act together, and we are now helping support success - he's gone back to school, is on the Dean's List and we have co-signed a college loan.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 13 and 15, and they already know they are on their own financially once the ink is dry on their bachelor's degree. That's how it was for me and for my DH.

[Anonymous]

Wow! Are you folks doing every single thing the same way your parents did? Did you graduate college in the middle of a recession, 10:02?

A part-time job could barely cover gas and other incidentals. And a year's rent to Mom is going to pay what, a month of his own place.

There's more than one way to approach this. The mother here is not a problem. She just doesn't think like many of you. I know plenty of parents, married, single, etc., who would do precisely what the mother's doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother here is not a problem. She just doesn't think like many of you. I know plenty of parents, married, single, etc., who would do precisely what the mother's doing.

I think what's rubbing some of us the wrong way is the OP's statement that the young man does not seem motivated to enter the full-time job force. He is content to work part-time and enjoy the generosity of others.

The economy is very tough, but she seems to be implying that he is making zero effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Are you folks doing every single thing the same way your parents did? Did you graduate college in the middle of a recession, 10:02?

A part-time job could barely cover gas and other incidentals. And a year's rent to Mom is going to pay what, a month of his own place.

There's more than one way to approach this. The mother here is not a problem. She just doesn't think like many of you. I know plenty of parents, married, single, etc., who would do precisely what the mother's doing.

This MAN could get several part-time jobs, even in a bad economy.

[Anonymous]

A PP here. Well, I understand that some folks feel that some of us are being harsh.

But like others have said, I am put off by the fact that the young man does not appear motivated to help himself.

As I told my DC's. "After paying tuition and a lot of your expenses in helping you get that degree, I do not mind you living here until you can set some things in motion. I will even let you live here rent free, but just make sure that I do not have to wash a dish, take a garbage bag to the curb, take the dog for a walk or wash my own cars etc. You WILL contribute to this household in some way if you are living here. No free rides."

To me that is the key....there should be no expectation that this could possibly be a permanent work-free arrangement.