Playground incident

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh God. Can we please stop throwing around the buzzword of the year, aka Bullying? Not everything is bullying, and not every child that has an unkind moment is a bully.

I agree. But- my kids know I do not tolerate them ganging up on other kids. This is the way my parents raised me and my siblings. If it were my kids and their friends at the top of the slide being mean to one kid they would have heard it from me! The father on the other hand--may have been a wacko or just maybe your kids were worse than you think.

I have had this problem at my 5-year old's preschool. There is a group of 6 boys that picks a kid to pick on each day. It is not the same kid always on the outs--but they are relentless. My son came home happy one day because he said 'Nobody was mean to me" and I said "Oh?" and he said "Yeah- they were all being mean to "Joe". I had a long discussion how that is NOT okay. How would he feel if it were him instead of "Joe". I also told him "Joe is one of your friends and you always stick up for your friends".

Usually the kids that are the meanest are the ones with the lowest self-worth. I am beginning early to teach my boys that you don't go along with the crowd and be mean to others just to make the crowd like your or to fit in. That is totally unacceptable.

So if the word bullying is off limits, what do you call it when 5 kids gang up on a littler kid at the playground by himself?

Bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh God. Can we please stop throwing around the buzzword of the year, aka Bullying? Not everything is bullying, and not every child that has an unkind moment is a bully.

I agree. But- my kids know I do not tolerate them ganging up on other kids. This is the way my parents raised me and my siblings. If it were my kids and their friends at the top of the slide being mean to one kid they would have heard it from me! The father on the other hand--may have been a wacko or just maybe your kids were worse than you think.

I have had this problem at my 5-year old's preschool. There is a group of 6 boys that picks a kid to pick on each day. It is not the same kid always on the outs--but they are relentless. My son came home happy one day because he said 'Nobody was mean to me" and I said "Oh?" and he said "Yeah- they were all being mean to "Joe". I had a long discussion how that is NOT okay. How would he feel if it were him instead of "Joe". I also told him "Joe is one of your friends and you always stick up for your friends".

Usually the kids that are the meanest are the ones with the lowest self-worth. I am beginning early to teach my boys that you don't go along with the crowd and be mean to others just to make the crowd like your or to fit in. That is totally unacceptable.

Thank you! It is good to know there are other parents who teach their kids to act out on their compassion for others. I was never picked on, but never really stood up for those who were picked on. I always thought those kids who stuck up for others were bold and I always admired those kids, but never assertive enough to be like one of them. I will teach my boys to stick up for those who need it, and I hope to admire my sons in this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh God. Can we please stop throwing around the buzzword of the year, aka Bullying? Not everything is bullying, and not every child that has an unkind moment is a bully.

I agree. But- my kids know I do not tolerate them ganging up on other kids. This is the way my parents raised me and my siblings. If it were my kids and their friends at the top of the slide being mean to one kid they would have heard it from me! The father on the other hand--may have been a wacko or just maybe your kids were worse than you think.

I have had this problem at my 5-year old's preschool. There is a group of 6 boys that picks a kid to pick on each day. It is not the same kid always on the outs--but they are relentless. My son came home happy one day because he said 'Nobody was mean to me" and I said "Oh?" and he said "Yeah- they were all being mean to "Joe". I had a long discussion how that is NOT okay. How would he feel if it were him instead of "Joe". I also told him "Joe is one of your friends and you always stick up for your friends".

Usually the kids that are the meanest are the ones with the lowest self-worth. I am beginning early to teach my boys that you don't go along with the crowd and be mean to others just to make the crowd like your or to fit in. That is totally unacceptable.

Thank you! It is good to know there are other parents who teach their kids to act out on their compassion for others. I was never picked on, but never really stood up for those who were picked on. I always thought those kids who stuck up for others were bold and I always admired those kids, but never assertive enough to be like one of them. I will teach my boys to stick up for those who need it, and I hope to admire my sons in this way.

Yes. I am amazed how many parents DON'T teach this. My older brother was always the most popular kid in middle school and HS and yet as tough as he was he was taught compassion by my parents and would always stick up for the underdogs. I married somebody just like this and recently attended DH's 20th HS reunion and was approached by 2 guys that were self-proclaimed 'geeks' in HS that said how nice my Dh always was...he was ia very bright guy in this blue collar town and was in the advanced classes with these guys even though he was also a star athlete at the school. That makes me proud and I want my sons to be the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh God. Can we please stop throwing around the buzzword of the year, aka Bullying? Not everything is bullying, and not every child that has an unkind moment is a bully.

I agree. But- my kids know I do not tolerate them ganging up on other kids. This is the way my parents raised me and my siblings. If it were my kids and their friends at the top of the slide being mean to one kid they would have heard it from me! The father on the other hand--may have been a wacko or just maybe your kids were worse than you think.

I have had this problem at my 5-year old's preschool. There is a group of 6 boys that picks a kid to pick on each day. It is not the same kid always on the outs--but they are relentless. My son came home happy one day because he said 'Nobody was mean to me" and I said "Oh?" and he said "Yeah- they were all being mean to "Joe". I had a long discussion how that is NOT okay. How would he feel if it were him instead of "Joe". I also told him "Joe is one of your friends and you always stick up for your friends".

Usually the kids that are the meanest are the ones with the lowest self-worth. I am beginning early to teach my boys that you don't go along with the crowd and be mean to others just to make the crowd like your or to fit in. That is totally unacceptable.

Thank you! It is good to know there are other parents who teach their kids to act out on their compassion for others. I was never picked on, but never really stood up for those who were picked on. I always thought those kids who stuck up for others were bold and I always admired those kids, but never assertive enough to be like one of them. I will teach my boys to stick up for those who need it, and I hope to admire my sons in this way.

Yes. I am amazed how many parents DON'T teach this. My older brother was always the most popular kid in middle school and HS and yet as tough as he was he was taught compassion by my parents and would always stick up for the underdogs. I married somebody just like this and recently attended DH's 20th HS reunion and was approached by 2 guys that were self-proclaimed 'geeks' in HS that said how nice my Dh always was...he was ia very bright guy in this blue collar town and was in the advanced classes with these guys even though he was also a star athlete at the school. That makes me proud and I want my sons to be the same way.

This is about kids at the playground, not highschool. It is not bullying or even picking on anyone. This is the kind of thing that happens every day. It has nothing ot do with self-esteem or bad parenting. It's human nature and now is the time that they learn to work this out. If that kid has been picked to be on the "good guy" team, you can bet he would have been chasing off the "bad guy" with all the rest. I've seen kids volunteer to be the "bad guy" and run off to be chased. If I had seen my kids making another kid unhappy, I would step in. Otherwise, I think it's quite normal behavior.

if it's still happening in high school, then that is another story.

I think the dad was a wacko with no social skills and no idea what children are all about. I would stay far away from him if I ever saw him again. He is the one raising a bully.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, 18:47!! The voice of reason. These were 4-6 year olds. This is typical behavior. Bad behavior, yes. But bad parenting? Bullying? That's over the top.
I was bullied in 3rd grade and have zero tolerance for it, but I would not call these small children bullies.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree with the above poster. I have an almost 5 year old daughter and I see this type of behavior going on sporadically with her friends or in our house. The dynamic changes as to who is the "good" guy or sometimes it's even "I'm the mommy and you're the baby" or "I'm the big sister and you're the little sister." Depending on everyone's moods - sometimes one of the kids will get upset and sometimes not. I don't think my DD or any of her friends are bullies - I think it's kids being kids. Of course I try to teach my child to take turns on what "role" they play, be nice and considerate - let other kids pick what person they want to play, etc. I step in if a child is upset or if my child is in tears and that dad clearly didn't handle the situation well. But it's hard to say whether or not they were really "picking" on the other child - they might have thought the child wanted to be the "bad guy" - who knows. But I honestly don't consider it anything more than typical playground behavior that really isn't that unusual.

[Anonymous]

I dont think OP was at fault at all. Was it nice what the kids did based on what they said, not really but they are young kids and young kids dont always say and act the way their parents raised them. The OP did what the "right" thing is to do and is to at least apologize for hurting the other kids feelings.
The dad handled it pretty badly and sounds like a jerk. If it is was my, yes I would be upset that my kid got his/her feelings hurt but I would have asked my kid first if they want me to say something (and if they said yes) then I would have kindly asked the OP's kids directly if they can play nicely - and if not we would leave.
My son is only 4 and has already been bullied in school and has picked up that behavior and has started to retaliate. It has nothing to do with what I teach him at home.

[Anonymous]

Oh God. Can we please stop throwing around the buzzword of the year, aka Bullying? Not everything is bullying, and not every child that has an unkind moment is a bully.

I so agree. All the other people are bullies, but our own children are only victims. Bullies can never be victims, and victims can never be bullies.

It sounds like OPs kids were playing as a group and they made the new kid the bad guy. They may not have even meant to be mean, but clearly the little guy wasn't having fun. His father over reacted.

At the same time . . . if there were 5 adults, why couldn't one of you wander close enough for 30 seconds to make sure things were going well? I don't hover over my kids 24/7, but when we are at a park and a new kid arrives and tries to play with my kids, I keep a close eye for the first few minutes to make sure things are going well. They are still young and figuring out how to behave socially.

[Anonymous]

from Dictionary.com:

Bully: to act the bully toward; intimidate; domineer

Does anyone really thing OP's children and their gang did not intimidate this other child? From that perspective, it is bullying. Did they scar the other child for life - no, should they be prosecuted for their actions - no, but were they bullying - yes. For that day, it was just kids-will-be-kids bullying. It doesn't turn into bad parenting until/unless OP tells her kids they didn't do anything wrong and the incident was the fault of the other kid and his irate father.

[Anonymous]

How do you know the OP's children intimidated the other child?

[Anonymous]

OP here- I have to say that reading the responses gave me a lot of perspective. As much as I don't think my child bullied anyone (she's no angel, but she's extremely inclusive about playing with everyone and really looks out for younger kids at preschool) I never really saw it through the eyes of the other little boy faced with 4 kids playing as a group at the top of the slide. I can see how if he was a shy kid, he may have felt intimidated, especially when a whole group tells him that he's the 'bad guy' in their game.

As far as us parents, we were within earshot- we really could not have been closer without being atop the slide with the kids. They aren't toddlers, but 4-6 year olds. Any closer would be hovering. The thing is, they were really pretty quiet up there. That's part of what's so strange about this whole thing. I was bullied, as were the other moms I was with (we're the geeky girls from high school) so we would never allow that sort of behavior in our children.

It does blow me away that so many of the responses here really believe that my 4yo's unkindness is BULLYING. Bad behavior yes. Thoughtless, yes, but bullying? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp. It sounds like your kids were bullying at the top of the slide and that even if they did not touch him, they probably do not understand how scary it can be to face a "mob" if you are the only "bad guy". Agree that the father did not handle it well, but if I felt my kid was being targeted by a group of others, I would be pretty pi$$ed too.

Perhaps not you, or your friends, but I have heard and I know people who refuse to believe their child/ children has/have ever done anything to hurt another child. It was not nice to tell a new child in the group that he was the "bad guy," and PP is right that this is scary and hurtful.

As was noted earlier there are no winners in this scenario. In future, one of the group should be within unobstructed view when they can hear what is going on with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have thought, "What a crazy father." Then not thought about it again.

If I was the parent of the child I would have said, "Don't play with them if they are being mean." Then not thought about it again.

Not everything needs to be analyzed.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

16:36 had it right, and those calling other people's children "little shits" and "bullies" are going to raise children who are incapable of resolving simple playground conflicts on their own.

yes, OP, the dad was out of line. If he felt that his child was being treated badly, he should have brought his child over to you, and had the child explain to you why he was upset. You then would have got your kids to come over and apologize. Conflict resolved without a "victim." Empathy learned. Win - Win.

[Anonymous]

PP here - I don't even think this was intentional bad behavior. That dad was an ass.