My husband just asked me if I have a secret bank account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand the "my" money, "his" money concept. It sounds like you are roommates, and he is scared that you are going to break the lease.

I don't get it either, nor do I get "his" debt versus "mine."

Actually, his and her debt seems the smarter way to go. Should one spouse die, the survivor is left with half the debt, instead of all of it. A friend of mine was going to marry a man who was insisting that she sign on to his student loans when they got married, as a measure of trust in the relationship. I thought that was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. Why should SHE be saddled with HIS debt if he died, or otherwise departed the marriage?

That said, all our household finances are joint, and I think that is important in a healthy marriage. For most people, anyway.

[Anonymous]

We have joint finances and I find it less stressful too.

[Anonymous]

Well this has worked for us for about ten years now. We are not newlyweds. I think it is a transparacy issue, but maybe it's time to change our MO. Everything I have read previously said it was better to keep things seperate.

Example - http://www.oprah.com/money/Keeping-Separate-Bank-Accounts-Suze-Ormans-Advice-for-Couples

I am open to change, so we'll see. Thanks to those with helpful, not-judgemental suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I really don't understand the "my" money, "his" money concept. It sounds like you are roommates, and he is scared that you are going to break the lease.


I don't get it either, nor do I get "his" debt versus "mine."

I also agree with this, and I came into my marriage with significantly more assets than DH. We have separate 401Ks, IRAs and when we get a credit card/car or other type of credit/loan, we try to do it with just one name (for credit purposes) but everything is "ours". We have one main checking account and DH has his own account that he puts $150/pay period into for his toy/lunch/junk stuff.

I think you should use this as a opportunity to get closer--talk to him about why he asked the question. You should both explore your feelings around this issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long have you been married?
At some point in time both of you is going to say, do or ask something crazy.
It doesn't have to boil down to more than that's what happened at the moment. Seriously, he looked at the money -- the hard numbers and thought "what do you have a secret account!?" -- u explained and it's over. My husband and I have joint and separate accounts...and there have been times where me -- El Cheapo -- has asked him about how he was spending money -- if there was something i didn't know about. I trust him...but sometimes stuff hits you and you blurt out stuff...if you know u are not hiding anything -- let it go!

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband and I do the his/her/ours bank accounts and credit card thing. I think it's important to have my own money. I have run into similar comments - not secret bank accounts per se, but him not understanding why I have less money than him. Somehow the fact that he makes more, spends less on personal things - clothes, haircuts, ect... while we split equally our joint expenses escapes him. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't think merging our finances would mitigate this. I think it would increase the friction. No advice, but just letting you know someone else is in the same boat. I chalk it up to him being a little controlling and somehow not seeing that a $50k pay difference equates to different bank balances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand the "my" money, "his" money concept. It sounds like you are roommates, and he is scared that you are going to break the lease.

I don't get it either, nor do I get "his" debt versus "mine."

Actually, his and her debt seems the smarter way to go. Should one spouse die, the survivor is left with half the debt, instead of all of it. A friend of mine was going to marry a man who was insisting that she sign on to his student loans when they got married, as a measure of trust in the relationship. I thought that was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. Why should SHE be saddled with HIS debt if he died, or otherwise departed the marriage?

That said, all our household finances are joint, and I think that is important in a healthy marriage. For most people, anyway.

I think what's troubling is not that the debt is in separate names but that each is responsible only for their own debt, especially since the husband makes significantly more money. I agree that it would be dumb to put his name on her student loan debt, but he should be helping her pay it down. It's like they don't have joint financial goals that they are working toward as a team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand the "my" money, "his" money concept. It sounds like you are roommates, and he is scared that you are going to break the lease.

I don't get it either, nor do I get "his" debt versus "mine."

Actually, his and her debt seems the smarter way to go. Should one spouse die, the survivor is left with half the debt, instead of all of it. A friend of mine was going to marry a man who was insisting that she sign on to his student loans when they got married, as a measure of trust in the relationship. I thought that was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. Why should SHE be saddled with HIS debt if he died, or otherwise departed the marriage?

That said, all our household finances are joint, and I think that is important in a healthy marriage. For most people, anyway.

I think what's troubling is not that the debt is in separate names but that each is responsible only for their own debt, especially since the husband makes significantly more money. I agree that it would be dumb to put his name on her student loan debt, but he should be helping her pay it down. It's like they don't have joint financial goals that they are working toward as a team.

Agree. We didn't add my DH's name to my student loan but we certainly don't think of it as mine. And actually, our house is only in my name because we never thought we'd live here so long and that needs to change, but again, we keep thinking a move is around the corner. Anyway, the student loan, the house, it's ours, it's all ours--debt, assets, and income. We've both been unemployed at times and I am currently staying home by choice for a bit (it's been six months, may be up to two years, probably not much more). OP, I have actually read in a lot of places that joint everything is better so I am surprosed you have always seen separate is better. To me, it feels much more like a partnership when everything is joint. Might be worth reevaluating as the current situation seems not to be entirely working for you anymore.

[Anonymous]

So OP what happened to your savings account, that made him think you were putting money away elsewhere?

Are you just paying down your debt, and he didn't realize how much it was?

Maybe he just heard of a woman who left her husband, and took all their money with her. Or something like that.

I think it would be a good idea to start doing monthy financial accounting. With each other. You don't have to merge your accounts, but be accountable to each other. This is what I've earned. This is what I've paid onto debt. This is what I've saved; and this is what I have spent. And he does the same.

You are married, you are supposed to be each pulling one oar in a boat but hopefully you agree on the direction you are going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand the "my" money, "his" money concept. It sounds like you are roommates, and he is scared that you are going to break the lease.

I don't get it either, nor do I get "his" debt versus "mine."

Actually, his and her debt seems the smarter way to go. Should one spouse die, the survivor is left with half the debt, instead of all of it. A friend of mine was going to marry a man who was insisting that she sign on to his student loans when they got married, as a measure of trust in the relationship. I thought that was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. Why should SHE be saddled with HIS debt if he died, or otherwise departed the marriage?

That said, all our household finances are joint, and I think that is important in a healthy marriage. For most people, anyway.

PP here (the one you quoted) and I am speaking more in terms of mentality than legalities. I came into our marriage with some law school debt (not much, less than $5K at that point), and *we* paid it off. I don't think DH ever thought if it as "DW's debt" - it was just another bill for us to pay jointly.

[Anonymous]

Don't merge accounts. If it were me and I was put off by this level of scrutiny why would I ask for more with shared accounts?

I think people are overblowing the student loan debt. I call my student loan "mine" because I'm the one that went to school to incur the debt. But we both jointly see it as a family obligation to pay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband and I do the his/her/ours bank accounts and credit card thing. I think it's important to have my own money. I have run into similar comments - not secret bank accounts per se, but him not understanding why I have less money than him. Somehow the fact that he makes more, spends less on personal things - clothes, haircuts, ect... while we split equally our joint expenses escapes him. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't think merging our finances would mitigate this. I think it would increase the friction. No advice, but just letting you know someone else is in the same boat. I chalk it up to him being a little controlling and somehow not seeing that a $50k pay difference equates to different bank balances.

This. Why have separate accounts when the wife is always the one who gets screwed financially? And if you split, wouldn't he just keep "his" money and you would get stuck with the measly bit you saved?

DH and I have had joint money since before we married. I make less than him and at one point was employed only part-time due to grad school. I do most of the shopping for joint items, too. Why would I want to have my own account exactly?

[Anonymous]

We have separate accounts and we each pay different bills, but we can sign on everything. What I want to know is why your husband isn't helping you with "his" money, like helping to pay off your student loans?

OP: you need to have a discussion around trust and money. This will not improve w/o a discussion.

[Anonymous]

I think most posters are not seeing the big picture here. This has NOTHING to do with separate or joint finances or accounts - your system is transparent, the issue is your husband thinks you have a SECRET account. I fail to see how this would be different if all your accounts were merged. He is unclear and distrustful of what you are doing with your money, which is usually transparent. Even if you had joint accounts he would still be worried about an account he doesn't know about and what you intend to do with it.

The issue has nothing to do with money and everything to do with trust.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, people who are trustworthy don't worry about being trusted. The ones who most want your trust are the ones who will stab you in the back.