Very upset with friend and she just sent me an invitation...

[Anonymous]

It is not obligatory to give a gift. It is the nice thing to do -at least a card- but not obligatory.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say that when I was in grad school and working fulltime, I was a crappy friend. Not because I wanted to be, but because the only time I could call people was after I got home from school at 11 pm and no one wanted to hear from me at that hour. Weekends were spent doing errands, laundry and homework. Later in life, when I had my third kid and learned that my first had some special needs that required therapy, I became a crappy fried again. Not because I wanted to be, but because by the time I got through the work day, homework with kids, therapy and nighttime feedings, I had no energy to pick up the phone. I feel pretty lucky that at least some of my friends stood by me during what were difficult times for me. Just another perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say that when I was in grad school and working fulltime, I was a crappy friend. Not because I wanted to be, but because the only time I could call people was after I got home from school at 11 pm and no one wanted to hear from me at that hour. Weekends were spent doing errands, laundry and homework. Later in life, when I had my third kid and learned that my first had some special needs that required therapy, I became a crappy fried again. Not because I wanted to be, but because by the time I got through the work day, homework with kids, therapy and nighttime feedings, I had no energy to pick up the phone. I feel pretty lucky that at least some of my friends stood by me during what were difficult times for me. Just another perspective.

Agree with the sentiment of this post. Your baby is eight months old, a time during which she seems to have been finishing a (presumed) graduate degree. If she was also working at the same time, especially cut her some slack. She was probably totally focused on achieving this big goal and as her friend, you should be supportive of that. For her, it was probably as big a deal to her as your new baby was to you.

And another PP was right-- stop keeping mental score. It's petty.

[Anonymous]

I was the PP who commented about the wedding gift received. It is true I remembered the gift, but it's because it stood out and I guess I (unfairly) expected something more personal and thoughtful. (It also helps that our wedding was very small, about 20 people, so it is not so hard to remember details.) What upset me more, of course, is that the couple couldn't even make it to the ceremony, and the reason (as a friend at their table told me later) was pretty lame. They never did explain why they couldn't make it.

Anyway, gift, no gift, etc, sure, there is some over-thinking going on. I absolutely agree that good friends are those who stick through with you, through all those times in life. I too am blessed to have some dear friends like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kind of mental book-keeping that goes on on DCUM is unbelievable. If this woman had failed to invite you to her party, I'm sure that would have been the subject of a different, equally angry post. She did not visit you after your baby was born. She did not give you an adequate wedding gift (You have apparently mentally catalogued each gift). Apparently she wants you to attend her party. Do you want to go? Check the yes or no box, without mental baggage. It's that easy.

You are a jerk or kidding yourself about your own emotions (or a man). The least you could have done before giving your holier-than-thou response was to bother reading the thread -- that way you would have realized that different people posted the so-called flaws you mention above.

PP, I found that having a baby really changed my world and most of my friendships did not survive. It weeds out real friends from acquaintances in so many ways. It is normal (I think) to feel that having a baby is really important and to pretend we shouldn't be hurt when so-called friends cannot share our happiness is ridiculous. I would not be able to enjoy myself going to her party, so I would go the "I'm so happy for you but unfortunately I'm busy" route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would email her and say, "Oh no! I am so sorry - I am already scheduled to work that day. But I'd love to see you. Are you fee x, y, or z? Let's get together and celebrate - just the two of us".

I was just about to post this same thing.

It puts the ball back into your friend's court. It'll be a test to see if she wants to maintain the friendship and to see if the invitation was genuine or just obligatory.

I agree with this and that you shouldn't send a gift card. If you get together you could take her a small gift, but a gift card is not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I barely give it two thoughts when ending a friendship where the "friend" is selfish. If someone cannot reciprocate with common decency, I just cut them off. There has only been one deep friendship that ended and I'm still hurt to this day...It was a gay male friend of mine who got so jealous of my boyfriend (now DH) that he said he could no longer be my friend, it really hurt and I spent a year shamelessly chasing him around and actually begged.

Anyways, in this situation, I can honestly say I respond to the text message "Sorry, I'm busy that day, congrats!" and I'd never reach out to her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I barely give it two thoughts when ending a friendship where the "friend" is selfish. If someone cannot reciprocate with common decency, I just cut them off. There has only been one deep friendship that ended and I'm still hurt to this day...It was a gay male friend of mine who got so jealous of my boyfriend (now DH) that he said he could no longer be my friend, it really hurt and I spent a year shamelessly chasing him around and actually begged.

Anyways, in this situation, I can honestly say I respond to the text message "Sorry, I'm busy that day, congrats!" and I'd never reach out to her again.

Are you really young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kind of mental book-keeping that goes on on DCUM is unbelievable. If this woman had failed to invite you to her party, I'm sure that would have been the subject of a different, equally angry post. She did not visit you after your baby was born. She did not give you an adequate wedding gift (You have apparently mentally catalogued each gift). Apparently she wants you to attend her party. Do you want to go? Check the yes or no box, without mental baggage. It's that easy.

OP here and I never mentioned any wedding gift giving.

What's the point of your post re the original issue? If you're not here to help, please just go away.

[Anonymous]

Call me petty, but it's hard not to keep mental score when you find yourself giving and giving and giving to a 'friend' who does nothing but take and take and take (whether it be monetary, personal time, whatever).

OP, it does sound like you and your friend are taking different paths. There is no excuse for a 'close friend' who lives closeby not to have seen you and your baby once after 8 months. (I've been the grad student working full time so I don't buy that excuse.) Be an adult and send a card, but I agree with your DH -- stop begging her for her friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say that when I was in grad school and working fulltime, I was a crappy friend. Not because I wanted to be, but because the only time I could call people was after I got home from school at 11 pm and no one wanted to hear from me at that hour. Weekends were spent doing errands, laundry and homework. Later in life, when I had my third kid and learned that my first had some special needs that required therapy, I became a crappy fried again. Not because I wanted to be, but because by the time I got through the work day, homework with kids, therapy and nighttime feedings, I had no energy to pick up the phone. I feel pretty lucky that at least some of my friends stood by me during what were difficult times for me. Just another perspective.

Agree with the sentiment of this post. Your baby is eight months old, a time during which she seems to have been finishing a (presumed) graduate degree. If she was also working at the same time, especially cut her some slack. She was probably totally focused on achieving this big goal and as her friend, you should be supportive of that. For her, it was probably as big a deal to her as your new baby was to you.

And another PP was right-- stop keeping mental score. It's petty.

This is the OP. She just messaged me a few weeks ago saying she was going to Cancun to "run away from the cold", her updates on FB about her routine and her behavior overall don't show her as busy as you're describing you were. She's graduating from a local community college, regular Associates degree that took her almost 3 years to finish.

She had a job assignment 3 blocks from my home a few months after I delivered my baby and I learned she was around through FB so I've tried thinking that she might be really busy with life and stuff but I guess DH (and most of you, PPs) are right. Time to let the friend go.

Congrats card it is. I'm going to work on Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call me petty, but it's hard not to keep mental score when you find yourself giving and giving and giving to a 'friend' who does nothing but take and take and take (whether it be monetary, personal time, whatever).

OP, it does sound like you and your friend are taking different paths. There is no excuse for a 'close friend' who lives closeby not to have seen you and your baby once after 8 months. (I've been the grad student working full time so I don't buy that excuse.) Be an adult and send a card, but I agree with your DH -- stop begging her for her friendship.

exactly! Not sure why the OP was feeling like she should do more or why other posters suggested that OP keep reaching. Now that we learn the "friend" is only graduating from community college. Who has the time to chase around people who don't act the way friends should. Personally, I have no energy for such people---next!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call me petty, but it's hard not to keep mental score when you find yourself giving and giving and giving to a 'friend' who does nothing but take and take and take (whether it be monetary, personal time, whatever).

.

I am the PP who said most of my friendships did not last past the birth of my first child and this is exactly why. I realized I was the one doing all the giving. Once I had kids I saw how stupid that was -- my kids take and take and take and don't give back and that is perfectly fine. But with an adult friend, it is not fine. Once I stopped doing all the giving the friendship would fall to the ground. It's sad and I'm sure they wonder why I stopped but I am tapped out.

[Anonymous]

I'm personally old enough to think the OP and her friend are youngins, and I agree with the PP who said to write her off. Seriously, she didn't give two shits about OP's first child (when she knew OP was battling IF) and now she wants OP to celebrate her grad school graduation? Grad school graduation is like birthday parties after you're 21 -- only your family cares. First babies are a BFD.

Screw this friend, OP. Make her beg for your friendship for once.

Signed, a 40-something who definitely doesn't waste time on "friends" like this anymore, and enjoys the real friends who are there for the big things.

[Anonymous]

I completely disagree. A friendship is worth a little forgiveness. Tome has escaped each of us at one point or another. If she keeps doing it then fine. But as it stands, I do not see a reason why you should sever the friendship

Therefore, either accept or decline but invite her to come over and name a date or two so it really happens.