Very upset with friend and she just sent me an invitation...

[Anonymous]

So, I gave birth 8 months ago and a very good friend didn't bother to show up.

I've sent her an invitation for the shower and wrote a few emails to invite her to come over and she never bothered to come over. In her last email she joked saying that whenever she shows up most likely DC will open the door and say "Come in" so she knows a visit is due.

We used to be very close, we got married around the same time and when I got pregnant she kinda got busy with her new job, school and stuff so our friendship was put on the back burner (seems like it to me).

So now, she just sent a txt message (yup, freaking midnight I know) to invite me to her graduation party on Saturday.

I have to work that day (I can call and say I'm not coming) but I don't know if I even feel like going. Will it look passive aggressive from me? If I go I'll be the entire time thinking why she didn't make an effort to come over at least for lunch or something. We both live in DC metro area but in different states.

Anyway, what would you do in my place?

[Anonymous]

I know, too late to proof read, sorry, sleep deprived and upset here.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of how I attended a "friend's" bridal shower, gave a lovely gift, and even flew to attend her wedding. Meanwhile, she couldn't make it to the very small, low key gathering that was my bridal shower, and also she missed my wedding ceremony, though did show for the wedding.

I think you've got the right to be busy, OP, but if you sincerely feel like going, then do that.

[Anonymous]

(sorry, PP here ... I meant, she missed the ceremony but showed for the reception).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(sorry, PP here ... I meant, she missed the ceremony but showed for the reception).

It is obligatory to give a gift if one attends the reception. Hope she gave you something nice.

[Anonymous]

OP,
How old is she? Maybe it was hard to be friends with someone having a baby? Maybe she's having fertility issues? Babies have a way of testing friendships. Like single women, when one finds a man and the other doesn't.

[Anonymous]

I've had some people I thought were good friends really surprise me (and not in a good way) over the last couple of years. Like a pp, I also attended a friend's bridal shower, flew to Las Vegas for her bachelorette party, helped out with her wedding and gave her a nice wedding gift. Less than a year later she didn't show up to my shower, came late to our wedding and didn't even give a card. You asked what I would do OP, and I would probably pull a no call no show.

However you said she was a good friend, so the mature thing to do would be to call and say you have to work, and at least send a congratulatory card. But don't be surprised if she still doesn't come visit you and your baby anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Thanks ladies for the talk.

My first thought was to invite her over to celebrate her graduation. DH yelled at me and said "HOW MUCH LONGER WILL YOU BEG FOR HER FRIENDSHIP?" I was in shock. He's the cool guy who doesn't care about anything and to hear that from him it was a reality check.

I might do what a PP suggested and just send a nice card in the mail with a gift card for her to celebrate with her husband.

To the PP who asked about her age, she's 25 and I'm 29 (and I was the one battling infertility and she knew it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(sorry, PP here ... I meant, she missed the ceremony but showed for the reception).

It is obligatory to give a gift if one attends the reception. Hope she gave you something nice.

Ha, great point ... She (and her husband) actually weren't exactly generous; they gave us a glass wine bottle stopper, and some related vessel (not that I count $ or appraise things, but they weren't at all expensive looking). I think if they were more thoughtful they'd consider that DH and I aren't drinkers (though neither are they, so the "bad" part of me thinks it was a hand-me-down that they got at their wedding).

OP, your DH's reaction is just like how mine reacted when I had a similar situation with this wedding friend I mention. I kept harping on why is it I'm always reaching out, and she's not making solid effort. It goes to show who are the real friends, the ones who will value our time and efforts.

[Anonymous]

The kind of mental book-keeping that goes on on DCUM is unbelievable. If this woman had failed to invite you to her party, I'm sure that would have been the subject of a different, equally angry post. She did not visit you after your baby was born. She did not give you an adequate wedding gift (You have apparently mentally catalogued each gift). Apparently she wants you to attend her party. Do you want to go? Check the yes or no box, without mental baggage. It's that easy.

[Anonymous]

I would find it hard not to be upset. And honestly, if you can't go, you can't go. I know she is proud of this time in her life and I am sure you are proud of her as well but there comes a point friendship has to be a 2 way street. It appears you have gone one path and she has gone another so you have grown apart. I would recommend to keep in touch because there may come a time when she needs an old friend, someone who knows her like only you do. Until then, just take it for what it is, don't try to make it anything more.

If she is upset by you not attending, I am sure she will eventually get over it. If it were convenient to go, then go, but I wouldn't jump through any hoops.

[Anonymous]

I would email her and say, "Oh no! I am so sorry - I am already scheduled to work that day. But I'd love to see you. Are you fee x, y, or z? Let's get together and celebrate - just the two of us".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would email her and say, "Oh no! I am so sorry - I am already scheduled to work that day. But I'd love to see you. Are you fee x, y, or z? Let's get together and celebrate - just the two of us".

I was just about to post this same thing.

It puts the ball back into your friend's court. It'll be a test to see if she wants to maintain the friendship and to see if the invitation was genuine or just obligatory.

[Anonymous]

I think with good friends you can't keep score. Just reach out occasionally, if it isn't reciprocated then don't reach out for a while.
A graduation isn't a big deal. I would skip it without a second thought. send her a card if you feel like it - certainly no need for a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks ladies for the talk.

My first thought was to invite her over to celebrate her graduation. DH yelled at me and said "HOW MUCH LONGER WILL YOU BEG FOR HER FRIENDSHIP?" I was in shock. He's the cool guy who doesn't care about anything and to hear that from him it was a reality check.

I might do what a PP suggested and just send a nice card in the mail with a gift card for her to celebrate with her husband.

To the PP who asked about her age, she's 25 and I'm 29 (and I was the one battling infertility and she knew it).

NO gift card necessary, REALLY. Just send a nice graduation card and say that you hope you can get together soon. The gift card is still begging. I would call and say that you have to work and are sorry to miss the party and I'd send the card in the next day or so.