How do you handle the "when are you having the next kid" question?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have the exact same health circumstances, although I could not retrieve embryos bc i was pregnant when diagnosed (and lost the baby during chemo) and then needed a hysterectomy - so definitely no naturally born children in my future. I think that asking when someone plans to have a child is NOT on par with "how's the weather", and is too personal to ask others for many reasons - and i felt the same way before my health situation arose. That having been said, people do ask this Q all. the. time. I do recognize that I am much more sensitive to the Q now, although the questioner usually doesn't realize it. What works for me is to have a set stock response - such as, "we're happy with our family as is, thanks." Rarely do people inquire beyond that, but if they do i get short and blunt bc at that point the questioner is being nosy/pushy.
Good luck to you - I know it sucks to have this choice taken from you.

[Anonymous]

It is soo, SO tempting to retort with "when are you going to stop being an ass?" or "we can't have more, thanks for reminding me of this heartbreak".

I think it is probably helpful to come up with a few different responses geared to different levels of familiarity. Or go with the Princess Bride line in your best Billy Crystal voice: "it'll take a miracle."

It is small talk. Lots of people are ignorant of the fact that just because you have had one child that you can have another, either for physical or mental health.

[Anonymous]

I only want one kid. When people ask me the question about when I am having more, I say, "I only want one." I figure if they asked, they want to know the answer, and I'm comfortable with it.

[Anonymous]

I am truly sorry for those who want to expand their family but cannot for whatever reason. That said, if you are going to be sensitive and get upset at this and other innocent attempts at small talk, you are going to be upset a lot of the time. I mean, the kids of the man who was killed by a tree in the snowstorm are probably going to be upset when someone who doesn't know them asks them next year how they like the snow. does that mean we should stop talking about the weather? Shitty things happen in life, not everyone is aware of exactly the shitty things that have happened to you, and people are just trying to be friendly. Would you prefer people just stop talking to you altogether?

[Anonymous]

I think this kind of Q is very different than a "how do you like the snow" question. It's a highly personal question. Probably most people who ask are just trying to connect and ask about something they think is positive (children) but I feel for you OP. It took tremendous medical intervention for me to have one (though nothing like your experience, hugs to you and the PP who had chemo and have gone through what you have). Not sure we can do another one so it's always hard when someone asks. I just say "we'll see" and move the conversation along.

[Anonymous]

To 11:49, I am PP 11:10 and i agree with you generally, and trust me there are probably LOTS of innocent/small talk questions asked of the OP that she is sensitive about bc of her cancer but she doesn't resent (like listening to a friend complain about her horrible hair day or her worst day "ever" bc her husband was a jerk) - convo of that vein, annoying as it may be, she knows are just innocent/small talk questions. BUT, asking when one plans to expand one's family does not fall into that category - that is a personal question IMO and people should not freely ask it like they are asking about the weather.

[Anonymous]

This is OP here again. Thanks for your responses. And *big hugs* to the other cancer surviver on here as well. This road is rough and I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Yes, I was diagnosed at 8 months and underwent major surgery at that time and then had chemotherapy for six months starting when the baby was eight weeks. I have also found that people who know I went through chemo also ask this question which I find even more odd, since I thought it was common knowledge that chemotherapy can interfere with or harm infertility. Just last week a work friend (who knew about the diagnosis but not the surgery and meds) about the "next one" because her and her husband were about to start trying and I finally just told her that I was on medication and it would be awhile. I guess I'll come up with some variation of that but I really wish that people realized that that is such a personal question - it really is not small talk. Even before I was diagnosed, I would never ask people that question.

[Anonymous]

I dont think it's a personal question. It's just a question. People ask it all the time. If you dont want to get in the specifics, just say "who knows" and shrug your shoulders. Honestly, most people would be mortified if they knew your story and that they were making you this uncomfortable. People read bad intent into everything. It's like the pregnant people ( am currently one of them) who get upset when people say "Wow--you're huge. Really who cares. They dont know. It's just small talk.

[Anonymous]

I'd also like to add that sometimes, people ask more "personal" questions when they are trying to get to know you better. Really, if everyone avoided ever asking any question that might be considered too personal, no one would ever really get to know anyone else. Although I get the sense on this forum sometimes that that is exactly what people want.

[Anonymous]

You could just say, "we may just stick with one. I like our little family of three." If you sound secure in your decision (it's ok to fake that), they may not pry so much or be so annoying. People really need to get over the idea that kids absolutely have to have a sibling. I'm a single mom with shared custody and people actually ask ME if/when I'm going to have another one. (I couldn't afford daycare for 2 AND I'm almost 39, so odds are good I'll just have the one.) I would have loved to have another one, but odds are that it's just not in the cards, and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

I think people need to learn the difference between appropriate small talk and rude and invasive personal questions, including, apparently, several people who have posted to this thread. Weather is generally an acceptable topic, how were your holidays, how bout those Redskins, have you seen the latest American Idol, etc. Asking about when someone is planning to have another child is not in that league for so many reasons. Everything about family building is so fraught for many people -- except those who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and have the prescribed two children, a boy and a girl. Everyone else gets these stupid comments ("when are you having another?", "wow, a third child? you're so brave", "another boy? you must be disappointed!", "you're adopting? wow, I could never do that", "you're doing IVF? why don't you just adopt?" etc.). It is NEVER appropriate to ask these questions or to comment on someone else's family size, family makeup, or method of family building, unless you know them really well (and thus are way beyond small talk). I don't get why people can't see this.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP's suggestion of faking it.When we were trying to decide whether to expand our family, if I answered the question with uncertainty, I always got more questions and push back. Now, even though we have children of the same gender, I find people still ask when we are going to try for the other gender. In truth, we had planned to stop at one child, so my response is an emphatic, "Oh no. Two is all we can handle!" Rarely, if ever, does someone push back on that. I think what changed is my level of certainty in my delivery, so faking that certainty may help. It also goes to show the rude questions never stop. Someone is always going to have an opinion about what your family "needs."

Also sending virtual hugs to OP and the PP who also had cancer. I'm so sorry you both went through that, and I hope life brings you good things from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd also like to add that sometimes, people ask more "personal" questions when they are trying to get to know you better. Really, if everyone avoided ever asking any question that might be considered too personal, no one would ever really get to know anyone else. Although I get the sense on this forum sometimes that that is exactly what people want.

YES!!

[Anonymous]

I also don't understand how people think it is appropriate to ask these questions. I've never asked, even before I had kids or dealt with infertility and learned how painful it could be to be asked, and people in my social circle don't ask either.

I still go back to using vague "we'll see" or "who knows" type of responses when asked. I've found that if you try to tell the truth ("I'm too old," "I'm not fertile anymore," etc.), people will start to argue with you or tell you stories about people they know who got pregnant against all odds, or say something ignorant about adoption.

Best wishes to you, OP. Don't let people tell you that secondary infertility isn't painful or that you shouldn't get upset about these questions - your feelings are your feelings, and you're not being overly sensitive by having them.

[Anonymous]

I think that, as a woman, and especially a woman who has a fertility issue, it's easy to see why it's not an appropriate ques. For someone who isn't really thinking and making small talk, it doesn't feel like an inappropriate question. I get that. And b/c someone asks, doesn't mean you have a respond.

I generally respond w/, "I don't know. Maybe."

That's pretty easy.