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How do you handle the "when are you having the next kid" question?
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Anonymous
| I have an 18 month old child and people are constantly asking me when I am having another one or do I want more. I had chemotherapy after my DC was born and am probably unable to naturally have more children, plus I am required to take a drug for the next 4 years and you cannot get pregnant on this drug, which would put me at 40 years old. So either I will have to pay for a surrogate or I will have to wait until I am done with the drug to try for another one. Prior to chemo, my DH and I were able to freeze a large number of embryos so more children are hopefully in our future - just not sure how or when. But I get SO annoyed by this question because people ask it so frequently and flippantly but it brings about so many emotions for me. How can I answer this question without appearing defensive and also not disclose my medical issues? I am getting this question more and more as DC gets older. |
Anonymous
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Do you also get annoyed when people ask about your day or your holiday plans? It's an attempt to be friendly. I'd smile broadly and say, "Hey, we're taking it as it comes." Or, "we've got our hands full with little X at the moment, I can't think of another right now." "Maybe when this one's out of diapers, we think about trying." It's not a dig. Not an attempt to hurt or embarrass you. It's small talk. Roll with it. "We're waiting for some health issues to clear up before trying again. Fingers crossed." Or, to borrow from your post: "More children are hopefully in our future - just not sure how or when." Signed, 40 year old first time mom who plans on trying for another later this year |
Anonymous
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I hear you. I have an infertility disorder that makes getting pregnant very difficult. For a long time, my husband and I were not sure we wanted to have another after going through a lot to have #1. We got that question all the time. Most of the time I would smile politely and say "we're happy with one for now." There were many times I was tempted to bluntly say "I can't have more children" just to show people rude that question is!
Hang in there and take care! |
Anonymous
| PP here- I agree people don't ask it to be hurtful, but in truth is a personal and nosy question. There was never a point in my life where I would consider asking someone that question unless they were a close personal friend. But, I'm a pretty private person and tend to be very sensitive to other's privacy as well. Again, not saying people are intentionally trying to be nosy or hurtful, but they really should realize it's not a pleasantry like 'how were your holidays'. |
Anonymous
Totally agree with this. People will ask you much more personal questions than this! |
Anonymous
| Doesn't mean they should, though! |
Anonymous
Sounds like you haven't been through nearly what OP has. Sure, to some degree you have to roll with it. But, seriously, it is a way-too personal question for acquaintances, and for you not to see that is surprising. I consider myself not the most adept at navigating human emotions but even I can see the difference between talking about the weather, holidays, etc, and talking about expanding a family. |
Anonymous
| Want to join us in our bedroom tonight and find out? |
Anonymous
| "Not sure. How about you?" |
Anonymous
|
GEEZ I've seen a lot on DCUM but these posters have to be the most HEARTLESS i have ever seen.
The OP must have been diagnosed with cancer while pregnant or with an infant. I can imagine few things more difficult to have to go through in life than this. I hope you are doing well OP. Most people asking probably are making small talk and/or just trying to be friendly. Is there any way you can just say that due to medical complications you are medically unable to have more. That should shut people up and keep them from re-asking. No need to go into details, but enough info to keep people from constantly re-asking you. |
Anonymous
| How about being asked when you have yet to have your first, so, essentially saying, "When, *already*, are you going to have children?" Feels very good, when we don't even have one yet, and almost all friends/those we know do already have two kids. |
Anonymous
| I don't think it's anyone's business. I always just act like I don't hear the question or I change the subject. You don't need to empower nosy/rude people. People used to ask me that and I said never...one was enough for me. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. I understand it's a much more painful question when you have health problems and i get minorly annoyed by it as well (w/ no health issues - just weren't sure for a good while if there WOULD be a #2 or not), but people don't mean offense and no one pressed after I offered a response along the lines of those above. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Come up with a line, and work on not flooding with response, remind yourself they have no idea, it is a common question, especially if your little one is particularly scrumptious. I absolutely understand how this question releases a strong response in you, it would in me, too, if I were in your shoes, but bet if you work on that, you will get a handle on it. You could say, "Maybe down the road, we're just not sure what our plans are right now" and leave it at that. If you indicate you might start trying, folks might ask a followup question or tell a dopey anecdote. I hope you find something that works for you. |
Anonymous
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I do think it is mostly small talk, but I do wish people would be more sensitive and NOT ask. There are so many people who have painful reasons for why they are waiting and possibly not having a second. If only they knew, right, OP?
I am not so private, so I'd probably just up and say "Well, I have/had cancer..." and watch their mouths drop in horror. Yeah, walked right into that one, dummy. |