Would you live apart from husband due to job?

[Anonymous]

OP here. You guys have given me a lot to think about. I never really considered renting since here I felt so much pressure to buy, buy, buy. I will definitely look into that.

The kids are all in elementary school so I do worry about him being gone so much. He does travel maybe two weeks a month so it isn't a foreign idea to us but I can't imagine doing every weekend on my own.

Don't know that I have a decision but definitely more to think about.

[Anonymous]

I've been with my husband for 14 years....the first 6-7 (pre-kids) he worked on contracts all over the world. We loved it. I had a flexible job and would fly out to meet him or he would come a few times a month. We had so many frequent flier miles and hotel points, etc....Plus- it was very exciting to jet off to S.America or Europe for a long weekend and rendez-vous.

Baby #1 changed all that. I could never go back to his consultant life-style with kids. Luckily, since our children were born 5 years ago he's been able to find local long-term contracts with zero travel. I want my kids to be raised by both parents. Also--it would be much harder to take off on a whim like I did pre-kids now. Kids have activities, school, sports, bday parties, etc. As a child, I loved having both of my parents at all major kid events...games, plays, etc. Parenting bi-coastal wouldn't allow for that.

No. I would not live apart unless it was a guaranteed short-term gig. I feel for military wives/husbands.

[Anonymous]

Yes, absolutely and we have. DH decided to go back to school to get a masters in the Bay Area and I was here. Married nearly 22 years and we have commuted at least half of that time - 10+ years. It really is for the very few and one has to work hard on keeping up an emotional connection to each other. It takes time, energy, effort, minimizing conflicts, affection and romance when you do get together.

We have almost always had 2 households. Renting is a great idea. At various points, my career has been more important (I've been in another country) and at other points, his has been more important.

That distance between DC and CA was the hardest because it was the farthest in terms of commuting time - also because of his school schedule and my crazy work schedule, we were only seeing each other every 4 months and that was not enough. Should have had stock in phone companies. He was working in NYC when I got pregnant with the only kid we have and had just started a 2 year contract, so we commuted many weekends between DC and NYwith an infant. We took a break after that, but 3 years ago, he got a job in Boston 4 days a week. At my request and because they don't have problems with it, he now is in Boston 2 weeks a month instead of every week.

My son talks to his father every day and often several times a day as do I. We have mastered the long distance relationships and he is especially a skilled long-distance parent, even helping with math homework. We use every technology: phone, computer, droid, fax and Skype now makes everything so much easier. He and I also now work at home a lot, so we are together when we are home, yelling across rooms! LOl!

I do suggest putting a time limit on it. We did that and then would come back together for a while, but then another job offer would come up. I actually have enjoying living in 2 places and having friends and activities in both. Our son does not let anything come between him and dad and when dad is home, they do things without me and stay very tight. It i very important to maintain the emotional connections wehn apart and intensify them when together. Unfortunately, the downside for me is the lack of time to cultivate female friends (but that's aproblem around here anyway), but I am pretty busy.

Your DH is actually the one who is going to feel most lonely away from you. He will need to estabish activities and friends that he can have to fill his time, so if he has a hobby or passion, he should connect with others. My husband has a group in Boston that likes to go to the baseball games and another group to the theatre. He also has a history buff group that meets monthly and he joins them when he can. GL - hope you make the best decision that will lead you forward to something new and not push you apart.

[Anonymous]

Yes, DH and I did this for three months and it was worth it for our careers and building our life together. It was before kids. My parents did this also out of necessity. It wasn't always easy but it all worked out for the best. I think if you go in to it with the right frame of mind and a positive attitude, you'll be fine. It's also a good lesson for your kids that life isn't always easy, sometimes sacrifices are necessary and grown ups have a life too.

[Anonymous]

I would, but that's because our "marriage" is about to fall apart, anyway. If he would just move to another coast, which is a real possibility, then we could stay married for the kids' sake and not have to look at each other.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

No. I don't want to parent alone, and I married him because I like having him around. My first husband was in the military. After eight years, I had had enough, and we divorced. Clearly, everyone is different. I know my limitations and expectations, and I would never live separately from my second husband.

[Anonymous]

No way. I hate it when my husband is gone a few days! I don't get the upside of this deal. How good could the "ladder" be with no pay increase. No way, no how.

[Anonymous]

My parents have done this for about 4-5 years now. It appears to work well for them - Dad comes home for long weekends and works from their shared home a good amount. But of course their children are all adults, and they've been married happily for 35 years, so marriage is very stable, and they are nearing retirement, so this will not last forever.
I think it is totally doable, but only if you and your spouse are 100% solid and nothing but something huge could make you even consider divorce.

[Anonymous]

We are doing it right now. My DH lives in England (Brighton) and will be there for at least the next two years. He moved there in August for his job. We thought long and hard about it. We had lived there before but not with older kids. Both my children are in middle school and we decided it would be a very bad time to move them for two years not only socially but the schools over there are a mess -- perhaps even a bigger mess than here! In the end it seemed best for our family for me and the kids to stay put. It is hard but not nearly as bad as people think it is or as bad as people tell me it is!

We skype all the time and it is funny because I think we talk more now then when he actually lives here! Plus when he comes home, which is about every 4 months for a week, we have him completely and totally to ourselves! I got an ipad for Christmas and it is great because I can take it everywhere and skype with him. While the basketball games look fuzzy to him he gets to hear what is going on and really likes it.

We just found out after Christmas that they will be extending his contract in England for another year. I doubt that will change our plans though (even though it is really disappointing) since a move would mean that my youngest would be going entering high school in a different country. I personally think that will screw him up more than not having his father living in the same house.

If you want to stay you can. Sometimes it is hard to put your kids first -- I really, really miss my husband. But this is what is best for them at this time.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the strength of the marriage, how often you can visit each other, etc.

[Anonymous]

Never.

[Anonymous]

Done it twice and it actually seemed to have helped our marriage. Fondness making the heart grow fonder and all.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we did it for 1.5 yrs. We have been married 10 yrs and have 1 elementary age DD. DH was in Europe, I was in DC. His job took him there, but I had a great job/set up in DC. It worked for us and set him up so he could get a job in our dream location, where we moved 5 months ago. I also got a job in the same dream location b/c I stayed in my job in DC while he was in Europe (and then could transfer b/c I established the right work experience/longevity in former position etc.).

I would not want this type of arrangement forever, but if you are doing it short term and have good reasons for it (which it sounds liked you do), I say go for it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe. If the math worked (with no salary increase, how can you afford two households?) and it was relatively close. For no salary increase and the commute to SF, no. Not worth the sacrifice.