Would you live apart from husband due to job?

[Anonymous]

Ugh. My DH got a great job offer in San Fran. Not more money but great corporate climbing. Problem is that SF could be even pricier than DC. I really don't want to move out there. It would mean moving the kids who are settled in their school, selling our house here (won't make much off this!) and buying into that horrible market. Worst of all is that what we could afford would mean a horrible commute for both of us since I would have to go back to work and I haven't worked in 5 years.

We are really contemplating him renting a place with a coworker for at least a year until we know more about what the housing market will do and have a better idea if we will be out there long term. But with paying for a place out there this means that he really won't be able to come home. Maybe a weekend a month or so. Are we crazy to even contemplate this? Has anyone done this before?

[Anonymous]

Never. Either move to the Bay Area or stay here.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't. I would sit down and seriously consider all other options though. For instance, can you move and rent for a while until you figure out the real estate market over there? There is no rule that states that you have to buy immediately. You could even rent out your house here, depending on the logistics.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. DH and I lived apart for only a few months, before kids. It's tough.

Are you worried that he won't want to stay out there permanently? Otherwise, you all could move out there and rent before you buy.

[Anonymous]

I would! I've worked or lived apart from my husband and it's not so bad as long as you have a specific goal or timeline in mind. Just be sure to have a support system where you are with the kids so that you get a break. You never know, he might find that there is a home in the right price range or neighborhood there that is worth the move; or he might find that he hates it and wants to come back. At the very least, it's worth trying out for a few months (it may take you that long just to sell the house.)

[Anonymous]

What are the odds of this being short-term? If there is a good chance that this could be short-term or that he will end up not liking the job, I'd consider having my DH move temporarily first (especially because me moving would mean I would have to quit my job). Or at least let the kids finish out the school year.

I'd also really reconsider if this is a good move. He's basically getting paid less right? I mean in terms of cost of living. You implied you don't work and would have to go back to work AND live far out. What's the up side? The future? How far out into the future? What is the guarentee?

Also, be honest with yourself. You sound like you don't want to move there. If you know that is true, be honest upfront. Its a lot to ask a spouse to move across the country. Better off to discuss now then to resent each other later.

[Anonymous]

My husband did this with his ex for 5 years, but going back and forth between Boston and NYC so they had a lot of weekends together. He says it was the destruction of his marriage. BTW, I didn't contribute to the downfall, we met after they were divorced. I would never do this in a million years.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you have to have an exceptionally strong marriage to make this sort of arrangement work.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have lived apart for 9 months and we have done well. Similar situation, although he was put on a forced leave for 6 months and after trying (unsuccessfully) to find another job, his old company offered him a great position abroad with very good long term possibilities. I had a year left here to finish a fellowship so we decided to try to make it...DS and I will be finally joining him next month. It has not been easy but it hasn't been impossible either. We made sure to skype everyday, even have dinner "together" with webcams on, travel as much as we could (we saw each other 5-6 times), and spend quality time together when he was home. I think it's doable. The downside obviously is that my child has really missed his dad and that is a high price to pay, but given the circumstances this was the right choice for us. He was really depressed when he was unemployed and generally unhappy, our relationship was starting to suffer and quitting my job was not an option at the time. I think the key is to keep very good communication and think that this is only temporary. 9 months have gone by very quickly... Good luck with whatever you decide OP

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

My elementary-age kids would be devastated if my husband moved away & only came home once a month. My baby wouldn't care. If your kids are really small, it will be very hard on you, doing all that work alone, but maybe less hard on them. If they're older, the separation may be very difficult for them emotionally.

[Anonymous]

I was going to do something similar. I didn't but I would consider it if I were you. The tough thing is you'll be responsible for every single thing with your kids and you won't get much of a break ever unless you have family in town.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a good prelude to a divorce.

Personally I cannot imagine any job would be worth being away from my kids for that amount of time, but I guess everyone has their priorities.

[Anonymous]

Military wife here. Although I knew what I was getting into when I got married, we lived in So. California for ten years, so the moving around concept was unfamiliar to me.

When it was time to move around, the housing market crashed. Our house dropped 200k (100k less than the pre-bubble purchase price). I had an established career and was afraid to uproot with three young children. We listed our options, but in the end I decided I didn't want to be a single mother. Three years and two moves later, I am very happy with our decision. We kept our house in California and have been renting it out. The rent doesn't cover all of the expenses, but we write the loss off on our taxes. In my mind, it's better than losing a butt load of money. Luckily I was able to get great job offers with each move. The moves haven't always been bliss, but I am happy with the decision.

Other military wife friends of mine do stay "home" while their husbands move around. It is very hard, but you can make it work.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't.

FWIW, we have been faced with similar opportunities in the past. In one case, we both moved abroad and while it seemed like it would hurt my DH's career, it ended up being one of the best things that happened to him (career-wise). We moved for my career and it ended up not being so great.

There is no way I would spend that amount of time away from my DH. No job (and especially one that doesn't pay a LOT more) is worth it IMHO.

[Anonymous]

DH travels to the bay area every week for work.

He negotiated to work one day from home so he's gone 4 days a week and works monday or friday from home.

It's totally worth it! (for us) and we get to "visit" him once in a while. So much fun!

The company pays for his tickets, all expenses while away and he has corporate housing there.

Sit down, OP and make the math. Is it worth?