Anorexic at the gym

[Anonymous]

I'm with 20:20. And, there was nothing inappropriate about her first post.

Plus, what on earth would you say that could possibly be helpful?

"Hi stranger. I have watched you work out a few times now, and conclude you have a mental condition. I'd like to offer you some completely unsolicited advice and support - even though we probably have nothing in common besides sharing a pathological interest in your weight. Let's share a diet coke and have a friendly chat."

[Anonymous]

I think it's very kind of you to be concerned, but without knowing the suspected anorexic well, I would definitely hold off on saying anything. Get to know her first. THEN, if the situation presents itself, you can inquire further.
I think unsolicited advice from strangers is very off-putting, no matter how good the intentions.

[Anonymous]

Alright, can all of you just reply to this question then: If you were in fact sure (if one could be sure) that someone in your building WAS in fact anorexic and you saw this person every day exercising, exchanged pleasantries, etc. Forget about all this : "You don't know she's anorexic!"...just imagine you could know.

Then what should you do?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, ignore the haters. I know what you're saying, and I've been in your position before (except it was at a swimming pool).

I don't think there's anything you can say to effect change here, because true anorexia is very intractable. What I -would- do is just try to be a casual, situational friend. She probably could use a friendly face.

[Anonymous]

If someone lived in your building and you saw them coming home several nights a week, obviously drunk or tipsy and maybe even noticed them at the corner liquor store several times a week - would you feel equally as compelled to intervene?

[zumbamama]

I think its great that you care...some people confuse compassion with being nosy. If you really want to help her, your best bet would be what PP says...befriend her first casually. However who knows if she would welcome any help with her personal issues.

[Anonymous]

Just posted above.....guess what I am saying is that some people should be left alone - really, I am sure this person has family and friends who know what is goig on - maybe they have tried interveneing.....are you that bored with your own life that you feel the need to save this person? Why not donate some time to a charity that is asking for help....?

[Anonymous]

Agree with zumbamama - make friends first - if youtruly become friends then you can help her as a friend. but don;t interfere as a stranger - esp. if you are not a professional in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just posted above.....guess what I am saying is that some people should be left alone - really, I am sure this person has family and friends who know what is goig on - maybe they have tried interveneing.....are you that bored with your own life that you feel the need to save this person? Why not donate some time to a charity that is asking for help....?

No not everyone has family and friends who pipe up and say something, most people unfortunatly are in the MYOB camp and don't reach out to others in need. My story with anorexia:

My cousin in law was anorexic for years, it was obvious. She went from a bit overweight and went away to college and came back a bone. You could see her entire spine and her hip bones jutted out. She went partially bald and lost her periods (all before the age of 21). NO ONE in the family said anything. Everyone just ignored her, she was at an ivy league and was getting perfect grades. The family whispered behing her back, but no one had the balls to step forward and offer some help to this girl that was dying in front of our eyes. She was no different from someone bleeding to death right in front of you and no one taking the time to hand her an rag to stop the bleeding. I was so angry at DHs family.

I decided to step up one Christmas and say something, she was also bulemic (sp) and we were hosting Christmas and she had left some vomit splatters all over my toilet. I found myself alone with her and told her staight up that I knew she had an eating disorder. At first she denied it and brushed me off, I kept at it. I then was about to give up and reached over to her and gave her a huge long hug and told her that I loved her very much and wanted her to get some help, she then crumpled like a piece of paper and started sobbing admitting her problem was out of her control. I sensed a huge relief from her to confess her struggles to someone. To say the least, it became a big tah-dah because it was Christmas and everyone was around. She went into a live in program her parents arranged. She is a BIT better now, but still struggles. I this this will be a battle her entire life. We have a very close relationship because of it and I am VERY happy I did not MYOB (as these posters suggest) because if I did, I am very certain that my cousin in law might be dead right now or her organs so severly damaged.

To OP: If you are gentle and tactful, I say go for it. I do think you need to 1st try to forge a deeper relationship with this girl outside of the gym. Unlike the other posters here (whom I SERIOUSLY wonder of they have any experience with these situations) I am not comfortable with watching someone die in front of my eyes and not say something. THis might go wrong for you and you could lose a friend, but you may lose this friend which ever way you look at it. I think we as a culture are too uninvolved and give people too much space when sometimes when you offer a hand or an ear to listen, people are very grateful and relieved to have someone who cares.

[Anonymous]

Former ED mom here who is also now a psychotherapist who has treated EDs.

I would suggest being friendly with her and seeing how approachable she is. Many women with EDs (who are visibly thin) begin to be treated as though they have some kind of infectious disease simply because people around them are so uncomfortable and scared by their appearance. This reinforces the women's negative internal self-dialogue.

So, start simply by being friendly with her and seeing how that goes. EDs are chronic conditions, so unless she faints in front of you or something, there's not a huge time pressure to says something. If you develop a rapport, then see how you feel about mentioning your concerns.

Your compassion and desire to be helpful are commendable, imho. I wish more people felt the concerns for their friends, acquaintances and neighbors that you do. This myth that we are all separate islands is so harmful to our overall sense of emotional well-being in the long run.

[Anonymous]

If anything, like some others said... Be a friend. Be a friendly face for her. It could make a world of difference, and maybe lead to an opportunity to talk about deeper issues like anorexia. MYOB is a very harsh piece of advice. But I've also learned to take what I hear here with a grain of salt because it's easy to make snap judgments, post anonymously and not give a 2nd thought to a real dilemma. I encourage you to be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former ED mom here who is also now a psychotherapist who has treated EDs.

I would suggest being friendly with her and seeing how approachable she is. Many women with EDs (who are visibly thin) begin to be treated as though they have some kind of infectious disease simply because people around them are so uncomfortable and scared by their appearance. This reinforces the women's negative internal self-dialogue.

So, start simply by being friendly with her and seeing how that goes. EDs are chronic conditions, so unless she faints in front of you or something, there's not a huge time pressure to says something. If you develop a rapport, then see how you feel about mentioning your concerns.

Your compassion and desire to be helpful are commendable, imho. I wish more people felt the concerns for their friends, acquaintances and neighbors that you do. This myth that we are all separate islands is so harmful to our overall sense of emotional well-being in the long run.

PP here again. I also wanted to add that I remember vividly the handful of times that someone in my life got up the courage and expressed their concern for me. While their loving comments did not result in immediate change on my part, when I was ready to change, those loving moments were inside me as part of the pool of self-worth that I drew upon to undertake my recovery. That's the way I think about expressing love and concern for others (as well as letting them know about your positive regard for them otherwise): those expressions are drops that go into the pools at the center of their beings.

Life is hard. We all deserve to have deeper pools.

[Anonymous]

Just like there are many reasons someone can be overweight (not just because they don't exercise or choose to "stuff their face" as one PP so graciously put it), there are also many reasons someone can be very skinny. Your concern seems very genuine, but there's no way for you to determine if she's anorexic, or suffering from any of a number of other problems (cancer, etc). I would tread lightly and befriend her only if you would befriend her anyway - not just to try and insert yourself into her life to find out the scoop.

[Anonymous]

Someone in the throes of anorexia, or even trying to recover, either won't take kindly to your best intentions. They'll either be embarassed by such a personal topic with someone they don't know well - or offended or defensive. As much as your intentions are good, just b/c someone's issues are worn on their sleeve (so to speak) doesn't make it OK to address. Either wait for her to broach the subject, settle for becoming better friends and hope to help indirectly, or MYOB. Unfortunate as it is!

[Anonymous]

I used to go to a gym where there was a woman who was obviously anorexic -- she was literally a skeleton with skin. A few of us talked about it but none of us said anything because really, what was there to say? We didn't know her. Well, that was over 15 years ago, and I still see the same woman occasionally around town. She's still unblievably skeletal, not just thin (my kids were aghast when they saw her), but she's alive and surviving. She even worked with someone I know. I don't think there's anything you can or should say to a person who appears to have an eating disorder unless you are a close friend of relative.