Guilty confession- sometimes I really don't like being a parent

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, sounds familiar. My DD was coming on 3 when we moved far away, I was pregnant with #2, and I quit my job until we completed the transition of new city + new baby (and eventually new job).

And there were days when I thought I was going to lose my MIND!!!! And, get this, I had a grandmother staying with us who often watched DD, so it's not like I didn't get any breaks...

So, yeah, I've been there. Good news is that this phase turned a corner and now we're all good again! You will, too, and if you don't, please be sure to discuss with someone your trust (e.g., your doc, spiritual leader, good friend), maybe even seeing a psychologist or therapist. Because why suffer?

[Anonymous]

Mom of a still, at times, jealous 3 year old son and 13 month old son here. I was in your shoes last winter and it was not good. Our then 6 month old wouldn't sleep, had reflux and our then 2.5 year old was just over the top jealous of the baby. Flash forward to now, and I still find it dauntingly hard at times not to get down in the dumps about the non-stop drudgery of it all. We have our kids on a pretty strict schedule, which really is the best thing for them, and for us, as a family. I still feel that no matter how tightly organized we are, I am still on the edge of it all just going into complete chaos. I also feel like its Groundhog Day: same fights in the morning to get on shoes, stop taking your brother's toys, trying to feed my 13 month old without him throwing it on the floor, same bedtime whining and crying. It can be overwhelming, mundane, boring, and depressing that's for sure. Hiring a babysitter sometimes is key. I would also recommend taking a sick day from work to spend it on yourself! You got some other good advice from people here about making time for yourself, outsourcing etc. so I should only add that it does get better.

But, not only has it gotten expontially better than a year ago, the "good" moments with my kids are beyond great. An example was yesterday. Before I had kids, it would never occur to me to go to a Christmas tree farm to cut down a tree, but it certainly seems like a family fun thing to do. The kids napped on the long drive, and actually behaved at lunch. For some reason, my 3 year old decided he liked his little brother yesterday, and kept giving him hugs spontaneously. They held hands in the car. The kids were so adorable in their little snowsuits, running around the trees, petting the farm chinchillas. And, my 3 year old went the kind of nuts that only toddlers can do when he saw the tree getting tied to our car. He was sooo excited that I could not stop laughing. On the drive home, they ate their Cheerios and were quiet and worn out.

Of course, all of that fell to shit when we got home as they were overtired and we had a hell of a two hours getting them fed/bath/bed. But, after they went to sleep, it wasn't that my husband and I talked about, but what an awesome day we had and that our lives are so much more complicated, tougher, but more full of love and joy than we ever imagined.
Don't feel bad for your thoughts, but since you do have them, look for those periods of spontaneous joy and love!

[Anonymous]

Wherever did you get the idea that you SHOULD find parenthood (or anything) 100% rewarding? As a PP said, nothing is fun all the time. Whenever I read posts here from people claiming they lovelovelove every minute of parenting, from poonami diapers, to barf in their bra, to mystery meltdowns, I roll my eyes and think that someone doth protest too much.

I think we're pretty much unanimous on ditching the pump. You've gone above and beyond. Take a semi-retirement. Keep up the breastfeeding as your schedule allows; I don't know about you, but some of my happiest moments in my kids' first years were bedtime and wake-up nursing, when I had nothing better to do but snuggle and feed my baby. It made up for a lot of the "what's in the baby's mouth?!?" moments, and the "do you want me to count to three..." moments.

[Anonymous]

I have felt that way a lot and my kids are teens now. There is light at the end of the tunnel! I know I will miss them when they are all grown up, but sometimes it really is hard. Definitely the hardest job I've ever had. Wouldn't have missed it for the world though.

[Anonymous]

I had no idea parenting was so hard! I must have been on drugs for my first 42 years of life, I never noticed struggling parents, or maybe I chose not to see. I adore my sweet, adorable and rough 4 yr. old, I still look at him with wonderment, but do I feel "they lovelovelove every minute of parenting, from poonami diapers, to barf in their bra, to mystery meltdowns" as another poster said, NO.

[Anonymous]

I have felt this way at times and I have just one. I think what's hard for me is that there is no going back. With everything else in life that we might struggle with--difficult marriages, crappy jobs--you always have a choice. So during the tough times, you know that you are making a conscious decision to stick with X, while at the same time, in the back of your mind, knowing that you don't have to stay that course forever.

With kids of course that choice vanishes. So during the difficult days/weeks/months, there will be some regret even if you try to push it away. I think that's totally normal and I don't understand people who claim to always love being a parent.

I also think there are many things lost with children, ie. time with your partner, sleep, etc. There are gains too, for sure, but those losses are very real and it makes sense to mourn them to some degree.

[Anonymous]

There are days when my son is being crabby and my husband is being less-than-helpful- and I feel like I'm about to crack under the never-ending to-do list and I think "what on earth I have done? Why did I have a kid?" Usually the fix is a good nights sleep. They are hard to come by with one 4 year old. I can't imagine you have had one in awhile. I think you are at the worst of it.

If you truly feel you are underwater, give up the pumping and enjoy your children. If it's just a temporary moment thing, hang in there. And realize that probably everyone (or at least almost everyone) has their moments of wondering what they have gotten themselves into.

[Anonymous]

I went to one of those "new mom groups" at a birthing center after I had my daughter. Everyone was breastfeeding and talking about poopy diapers. I was exhausted and trying to BF too, and things weren't going well.

I had my daughter via fertility treatments and was lucky to get pregnant in my forties. But, I was so exhausted in that session that I remember telling the other new mothers that I "thought I had made a mistake and I was miserable!" One mom came up to me later outside and said "Hang on. This is really, really tough".

Yes, it IS tough, physical labor and mind numbing. But I have this little six year old girl now who tells me how much she loves me.

I've had plenty of moments where I didn't like parenting, but they go away. When I feel that way, I try to get my husband to help or find a release like the gym.

Can you exercise? Quite the pumping? Hang on. It is rough--no doubt about it and I felt the way you feel alot.

[Anonymous]

Right with you. Confession: When my child was three months old, I started researching at what age you can send kids away to overnight camp for the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right with you. Confession: When my child was three months old, I started researching at what age you can send kids away to overnight camp for the summer.

Love this. That was probably right about when I was fantasizing about hiring a night nurse. I would picture in vivid detail how I would greet her at the door, hand over my baby, go in my basement and sleep blissfully for 100 years.

[Anonymous]

I think it will get easier in a year or two's time. it did for me.
That said, you seem to be making your life unnecessarily hard by continuing to pump so much. give it up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your supportive comments. When I told my husband all this (he agreed with me, btw), he said that he bet a lot of other people felt the same way and it seems he was right.

Re: the pumping bit. I think some posters mentioned I should give it up and continue to nurse- I don't breastfeed directly from the tap. The baby is tongue-tied and is unable to latch, which is why I pump. I do plan on starting to wean at 9 months, which is soon, but will have to do it slowly as I'm prone to clogged ducts. I should have enough frozen to feed breastmilk for one year. I think my reluctance to stop is due to feeling guilty over not breastfeeding- did I really try my hardest?? Should I have fought through the pain and torn up nipples?? Anyway, I look forward to the day when I hang up the horns, but will also feel guilty too.


We probably will look into pinching pennies and outsourcing what we can.

I think 14:24 summed it up perfectly when she talked about the same battles she fights every day with her kids. I feel the same and it's wearing me down. My sister lives in town and babysits a lot, so it's not like I even have the excuse of saying we never get respite care.

I do have rewarding times with my kids but these days, they're few and far between. And I really hate that I feel like that.

[Anonymous]

Our 4 children are young adults, early twenties now. I can agree with everything said here about the periods, often long stretches, when parenting was not rewarding on an hour by hour, day by day basis. But I liken it to tackling an advanced degree or the lengthy involvement of building a longterm career. The daily assignments seem endless; the overall gains are priceless.

The project parents are working on is ENTIRELY worth the daily hassle, but it rarely feels like it in the moment. It's probably best not to think of parenting as something that yields shortterm results, validation or personal reward. But they will come. In the meantime, do your best to mentally cordon off your exhaustion and resentments from the person and worth of your child, and keep it in focus that its the WORK that is so draining.

It gets better; it really does.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain, I've been in your shoes, including the pumping. I know the guilt too, I only managed to exclusively pump with my first one for 4 months. The second would latch much better and nursing was just so much easier! But trust me, once they are older (say elementary school), whether or not you BF or FF will be so far behind you, there will be so many new things to feel guilty about So give yourself permission to let go - regardless of what the BF propaganda tells you, FF babies arealso perfectly fine human beings!

I can also say that it does get better, it really does. You are in a really tough phase right now, with both being so young and so dependent on you. Once they are a little older (5 and 3 or something like that) and they will be more independent (potty trained, with their own interests and personalities, can play together for long periods of time, you can leave them in a room without worrying about their immediate demise, etc.), parenting will become so much more enjoyable because there will be more variety in the types of things you can do with them. Until then just hang tight and know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel too. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right with you. Confession: When my child was three months old, I started researching at what age you can send kids away to overnight camp for the summer.

Love this. That was probably right about when I was fantasizing about hiring a night nurse. I would picture in vivid detail how I would greet her at the door, hand over my baby, go in my basement and sleep blissfully for 100 years.

Fantasize about hiring a nurse? My husband and I got on the horn with Holy Cross Hospital and hired a night nurse 2 nights per week 3 weeks after my daughter was born. WE kept her until the baby was four months old and was able to sleep 11:00 to 7:00. I couldn't have done it without a night nurse, though she wasn't cheap at $15.00 an hour I did exactly that--I handed her off at 11:00 PM and went upstairs for uninterrupted sleep. It made a big difference once I had sleep!