Drinking//alcoholism

[Anonymous]

As a COA who has not banished alcohol from my life despite clear knowledge of its dark sides, I agree with the prior posters that having more than one drink several nights a week - or even every night - does not necessarily equate to the type of alcoholism that ruins families or causes traumatic death. We could all die of any possible things ... and each of us could at some point make a life-altering mistake drunk or sober. But I do think that any behavior could be a problem in a marriage if it repeated every day despite truly irritating one spouse. Obviously OP doesn't like the behavior, apparently doesn't engage in it, and wants it to change. DH does not want that and won't stop. Why? Can they compromise? That is what they should discuss, with the assistance of professional advice (not overly AA oriented). I suspect that if DH is truly addicted, it will become evident through the discussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to move to England (or any other place in Europe, for that matter). His behavior would be considered absolutely, completely normal there. Three drinks a night is not a problem from a health perspective, and unless he shows some sort of dependency it's extremely unlikely things will get worse.

It's pretty obvious that most of the terrible advice on this thread comes from folks who've been scarred by their experiences with alcoholics--so their projection is understandable--but alarmist proclamations like "your husband may be functioning okay at this point but it is not much of a life, and it will most likely get worse" is just irrational.

I assure you many, many people around the world have a few drinks every evening and have perfectly fulfilling lives.

My Uncle used to drink everyday, too. He held down a job and a marriage with no problem whatsoever. That is, until he was told he would likely need a liver transplant at the ripe old age of 40.

Unfortunately, there are about a million contributing factors to liver damage, alcohol being only the most high-profile. Genetics, diet, weight, certain medications, diseases like hepatitis, etc, etc..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a COA who has not banished alcohol from my life despite clear knowledge of its dark sides, I agree with the prior posters that having more than one drink several nights a week - or even every night - does not necessarily equate to the type of alcoholism that ruins families or causes traumatic death. We could all die of any possible things ... and each of us could at some point make a life-altering mistake drunk or sober. But I do think that any behavior could be a problem in a marriage if it repeated every day despite truly irritating one spouse. Obviously OP doesn't like the behavior, apparently doesn't engage in it, and wants it to change. DH does not want that and won't stop. Why? Can they compromise? That is what they should discuss, with the assistance of professional advice (not overly AA oriented). I suspect that if DH is truly addicted, it will become evident through the discussions.

Absolutely, well said. There's clearly something going on here that goes beyond the 2-3 drinks a night.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your husband is an alcoholic based on his consumption. The hiding the drinking is more concerning.

If a couple splits a bottle of wine (and many do nightly) that's 3 glasses each if it is equitable. Most people do not view this as weird or strange, expensive yes, excessive no.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP. He has a problem. Actually the two of you do, because you aren't in agreement, he is hiding and you are nagging.

That is a lot of alcohol.

I wonder, what happens if something needs to be picked up at the store - do you always have to do it? Does he take phone calls, or beg off? Is he useful when it comes to homework, and other child rearing tasks? Can he wake up in the middle of the night and deal rationally with a crying child who needs assistance? Does he interact with you in a positive way after that third drink? Can you interact with him in a positive way? Do you ever get to do fun things on the weekend that interfere with his drinking, or do you not get to do them? I don't have the answers, but I would suggest you ask yourself these questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Left to his own devices, my husband would probably drink 3 drinks/night Sunday through Thursday and 5 drinks on Fri/Sat (25 drinks/week). With constant vigilance/nagging, I can probably keep him to under 20 drinks/week -- maybe as low as 17 or 18. However, he hides drinking (even if it's just one beer) from me when I try to lay down rules (no drinking on a school night, etc.).

I see no ill effects from the drinking he does, even when it's excessive. He's never mean; he does fine at work. However, I don't see how a person can drink at this rate and not become an alcoholic. He drinks significantly more than he did when I first met him, and I have no reason to believe that his drinking won't increase as he ages. He seems to have zero respect for alcohol or the fact that it is addictive.

Am I correct in thinking that this is a problem, even though the drinking itself doesn't seem to be causing any major problems? Is al-anon an appropriate resource at this point?

Hiding his drinking is indicative of an alcoholic. You've answered your own question, go to al-anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to move to England (or any other place in Europe, for that matter). His behavior would be considered absolutely, completely normal there. Three drinks a night is not a problem from a health perspective, and unless he shows some sort of dependency it's extremely unlikely things will get worse.

It's pretty obvious that most of the terrible advice on this thread comes from folks who've been scarred by their experiences with alcoholics--so their projection is understandable--but alarmist proclamations like "your husband may be functioning okay at this point but it is not much of a life, and it will most likely get worse" is just irrational.

I assure you many, many people around the world have a few drinks every evening and have perfectly fulfilling lives.

My Uncle used to drink everyday, too. He held down a job and a marriage with no problem whatsoever. That is, until he was told he would likely need a liver transplant at the ripe old age of 40.

Unfortunately, there are about a million contributing factors to liver damage, alcohol being only the most high-profile. Genetics, diet, weight, certain medications, diseases like hepatitis, etc, etc..

Yeah, he put himself in AA shortly after that and hasn't had anything to drink in ten years so I'm thinking it was drinking.

[Anonymous]

OP I think YOU need to seek counseling (from Al-anon or elsewhere). Your DH behaviour obviously upsets you and you need to learn how to deal/cope with the situation and your feelings about it. You CANNOT change an alcoholic (if he is in fact one). And your nagging (your words) may in fact aggravate the situation. Nagging and the tension surrounding it can destroy a marriage just as much as alcoholism can.
I think couseling may help you figure out how to approach the issue, how to talk to your husband constructively etc.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I can only relate my own experience. My husband drank just about what yours does, and it was uncomfortable to me, since I rarely drink. My litmus test was whether or not such heavy drinking caused: (1) behavioral changes; (2) contributed to risky behavior (like driving); or (3) was a health issue. For a long time, it never did any of those things. But gradually, with no evidence of an increased amount of drinking, he began engaging in risky behaviors and his behavior toward me changed. He drove on occasion and got pretty nasty with me on a more frequent basis (never nasty when sober). That ended up being too much for me, and he had to change, or I was going to get out.

He's gone cold turkey for a number of reasons, and our quality of family life is so much better that it breaks my heart to look back at what I used to put up with. I'm glad my child isn't growing up coming home to a father who reeks of alcohol, for one. And that's just the smallest change.

I don't feel as if my husband was or is an alcoholic, but he was a problem drinker. To me alcoholism is a disease and likely much more difficult to kick than bad drinking habits. But problem drinking is just that -- a problem. I'd like to think it's an easier one to overcome, though. I have since learned that even without bad or risky behavior, such drinking is considered heavy drinking and it "is" bad for one's health -- contributing to heart disease, liver troubles (cirhossis or cancer), and even an increased risk of dementia.

All of this is just to say that you don't have to be an alcoholic to hurt your family and your health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the issue is the number of drinks that OP's husband has. It's the behavior coming from both him and her around the alcohol. His hiding, her controlling. Major red flags.

This. I know many people from many generations and many different countries who drink more than many of the PPs would consider acceptable. In our family, it is normally to have a couple glasses of wine with dinner - not every dinner, but not just special occasions either. I'm not saying that there are not functional alcoholics out there who have the same lifestyle, but it seems to me like the OP's husband's problem is with the hiding and the lying and the defensiveness about his drinking. If my husband were concerned about my alcohol intake, I would take it seriously, talk about it, work it out, rather than drinking behind his back.

[Anonymous]

Just to restate what others have said - its not a problem, until its a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He is what is referred to as a functioning alcoholic, he can probably do this his entire life, many do but over time his need to reach that "high" increases and so does the behavior that goes along with it.

My father and mother are about 70. They're in great health--especially my father--and they both drink about 2-4 drinks a day for as long as I can remember. They're originally both from Europe. I guess the genetic makeup of Europeans is completely different from Americans--apparently they have the ability to act this way without collapsing into a puddle of alcoholic dysfunction.[/quote]

maybe you didn't intend it this way, but thanks so much for the laugh!

[Anonymous]

Well put 12:41. It clearly is a problem in OPs family. My father was a problem drinker, but after the death of a close family member, he moved into the alcoholic category. Anyone who is planning their drinking, spending time thinking about drinking and hiding their drinking is in trouble.

I am also from a culture where people drink. But as another poster says, it can ruin your health. I can appreciate that some Europeans have steady drinking habits, but that does not come without some problems later as we saw in our larger family when those got older.

You will not be able to change your DH, but you can do something about how you react to this. Resentment about any issue in marriage is destructive emotionally to you and your partner.

[Anonymous]

"Hiding his drinking is indicative of an alcoholic. You've answered your own question, go to al-anon. "

And do it today!

[Anonymous]

The #1 priority of an addict is their next fix.