Angry at fertile friend

[Anonymous]

I'm looking at this board because my best friend has been having a very difficult time conceiving and has had two very devastating miscarriages in the past year. I just had a baby recently and am now pregnant (by choice) with my second. Putting aside the instance of the woman getting the abortion, and focusing on the issue of just not being able to cope with pregnant people, which has come up in a few responses, I just wanted to say that many pregnant women feel terrible about your circumstance and would do something to change it if they could. In fact, they may be the only ones who can relate to your sense of loss and the feeling, in the case of m/c, that you were already a mom when it happened, even if it was early on. Anyway, I am having a tremendous amount of guilt about my friend and I wish I could give her this one or do something, anything, to make her feel better. Basically, I am only trying to say to please not feel like all pregnant women are walking around with a spring in their step, forgetting all about those who are having difficulty conceiving, etc. I realize some people are insensitive to it, but I, for one, am devastated about my friend's situation and cry regularly when discussing it with my husband. But, I do understand just not being able to deal with the constant baby talk, etc. I think it is probably best to avoid the pregnant acquaintances, but not the good friends. Again, I do not claim to know how you feel, just how I feel. Best of luck to everyone who is TTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a sad story and I'm really really sorry you're going through this. If it helps at all, I think you have every right to be very angry at your friend. To her (small) credit, I'd bet anything that she has no idea how her actions are affecting you, because people as selfish as she sounds rarely have much compassion for anyone outside of their world and their problems. So even though this doesn't help much, you can safely assume that she's not talking to you about these things on purpose.

I hate to get off on this, but I have to say that going through fertility issues myself, and hearing stories like this, has really made me rethink my position on abortion rights. Yeah, sure, it's her "choice,"... but where is your choice??? And there is nothing like a MC to make you realize that an embryo/ fetus/ baby is loved from Day One.

Big Hugs.

You say "Yeah, sure, it's her 'choice,' but where is your choice???" I don't see what a woman's right to choose to terminate a pregnancy has to do with another woman's infertility. "Your" choice is to not have an abortion when you do get pregnant, and *her* choice doesn't affect her friend's ability to have a child. The two are totally unrelated. Also, you say there's nothing like a MC to make you realize that an embryo/fetus/baby is loved from day one. Some are, some may not be. I'm finally pregnant after dealing with PCOS and TTC for a year. It was an emotionally painful period and it seemed like everyone we knew was pregnant (some planned, others not). My embryo/now-fetus was certainly loved from day one. But different women have different circumstances and I can't say that a woman who has an unwanted pregnancy, be it because of something as simple as a husband's broken condom or as horrible as rape, loves her embryo from day one because I'm fortunate to never have been in that position. So let that woman have her choice and let me have mine. The two don't interfere with one another.

[Anonymous]

I'm pro-choice, but I think women who abort healthy babies are pathetic pieces of trash. You should not have an unwanted pregnancy in the first place.

Pregnancies from rape and failed birth control are very rare and is not the reason most abortions happen. It's because women treat their bodies like trash.

[Anonymous]

To the OP, I am sorry for your losses. One of my closest friends in the world (maid of honor friend) had a terrible time getting preggers (three for four MC's) and I was having kids all through it. She pulled away, I felt guilt, and finally I just came clean with her that I loved her, I understood she had to stay away, but that I am always here for her. I would occasionally call to let her know I was thinking about her...and then she got preg. Everything went great, beautiful child, then she got preggers with triplets and lost two at birth. Horrible. This time, she reached out, she needed to. Totally devastating. I think the point is that you should try to be as honest as you can with your friend. GOOD friendships can withstand a break. She has a right to end this pregnancy, you have a right to feel resentful, jealous, and downright angry. Tell her you need a break or that you cannot handle it, etc. It is better than seething. I am pro-choice, but to be totally honest, I am not sure I could get down with my friend terminating her preg for career reasons...I don't know. Maybe it is judgemental, but those are not values I get...GOOD LUCK!

[Anonymous]

I don't think we can know the OP's friend's actual reasoning. yes, her career might have been the reason. Or, maybe she thought her marriage couldn't survive adding another child (because let's be honest: kids can strain the heck out of a marriage).

I am pro-choice, but I also know I would have had a much easier time actually getting an abortion before I ever had a wanted pregnancy and gave birth to a child. My SIL had a baby with triploidy (extra chromosone at every loci; by comparison, Downs is an extra chromosone at one loci). She was going to abort it but then it died on its own anyway. I remember breaking down sobbing when I talked to my hsuband about what she owuld actually go through when we thought she was going to abort it. I kept sobbing that I just didn't think I could let them do it, even under those circumstances. That's not a scene I could have ever imagined for myself when I was at pro choice rallies in college.

I think this entire topic is so sad. It is terrible that something so personal as being or trying to become a mother can split women. I posted a query once about stopping at one child and was blasted by a TTC mother because I was making a choice to stop while she could not get pregnant. I really didn't get that. Was I supposed to keep having kids just because she was having trouble? That made no sense to me. My mother had 6 failed pregnancies. Most were MCs but one was a still birth and one was a preemie who died after 5 hours. We still go visit his grave whenever we are in Ohio. I have been pregnant twice (including one oops - yes they do happen, and I don't think that makes me trash as a prior poster suggested). I have two kids. Yet, because of hearing my mother talk about her pain all these years, I woudl like to think that I at least kind of get it. I would hate to think that people who have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying to term have no use for me just because I get pregnant easily (sometimes too easily) and, thanks to God, had two healthy and beautiful children. I can't walk a mile in your shoes, it's true. But I have held my sobbing mother at my brother's grave. Please don't count me out.

[Anonymous]

To some of the PP's. It sounds harsh, but unless you have suffered infertility or had a miscarriage you do not know what it is like. Having been through both, I can say that even those are very different experiences. During both of those situations, I found the greatest amount of solace from talking to people who had been through the same or similar situation. It was nice of people to try and empathize, but in truth -- they just don't get it. Likewise, I've had friends who have lost their full-term babies and also know people who have lost older children. I would never pretend to know what they are going through. In addition, I am willing to the let them shut me out for awhile if that is what they need to help heal. It doesn't mean they are bad people or they hate me. It just means that I am not the best person right now to help them heal. It is weird how it works, while I have trouble getting pregnant, once pregnant, I usually have a very healthy uneventful pregnancy. On the other hand, one of my dearest friends has no problem getting pregnant, but she has trouble staying pregnant and having healthy babies. We've been able to support each other at times, but have each had to withdraw for awhile due to us being in differing circumstances. We always do manage to re-connect though, even though we may go months without talking.

[Anonymous]

Quoting a PP here "I woudl like to think that I at least kind of get it. I would hate to think that people who have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying to term have no use for me just because I get pregnant easily (sometimes too easily) and, thanks to God, had two healthy and beautiful children."

I just have to wonder why these posters are posting on the TTC section. Who wants advice from someone who "gets pragnant too easily"? Does this person read these threads to feel good about herself and her biology.

I never even clicked into this thread until I started having problems, same reason why I've never looked at the gay and lesbian section. Maybe I should start posting there and dispensing my unqualified opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right - this is your friend's choice and not yours. It's not your place to judge her, just as you wouldn't want others to judge you. Take some time to deal with what you have been going thru, but then I hope you continue with your friendship, which means supporting your friend, even when it is hard.

I cannot believe that I just read this...

Supporting her friend for what? Her friend should support her, she did not terminate a pregnancy (life) for a job. I would not have a friend like that. I am all about choice under certain circumstances. Her friends was not one of them. OP, find yourself some new friends, maybe with better respect for life. Good luck trying, never give up. I have two beautiful gifts, but had 3 mc's in between the two. MC's are horrible things. I told myself that my last baby just wasn't ready, he tried, but it took four times to get here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this person read these threads to feel good about herself and her biology.

I am the poster you are referring to. I have had many friends who have had trouble getting pregnant, and, of course, I mentioned my mother. I have scores of friends who have done IVF or ended up adopting because nothing worked. No, you idiot, I do not read this to feel better about myself. I read it to try to understand what my friends are going or have been through.

I appear to be in the minority of trying to understand someone else's issues, even if they are not ones I face. And I DO read the gay and lesbian forum because - you guessed it - I count among my very good friends a lesbian couple with a baby.

You are probably the poster I mentioned who blasted me when I posted about stopping at one. And no, I DID not post it on this forum, but it didn't stop you from blasting me, now did it? Why don't you keep off the general parenting forum if we are going to follow that standard?

Oh, and I'll tell my mom her 4 miscarriages, 1 stillbirth, year trying to get pregnant with my younger sister and death of her preemie are not good enough for you DCUMs to including her as someone who is "TTC". I'm sure she'll be glad to hear her pain doesn't count and isn't real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To some of the PP's. It sounds harsh, but unless you have suffered infertility or had a miscarriage you do not know what it is like. Having been through both, I can say that even those are very different experiences. During both of those situations, I found the greatest amount of solace from talking to people who had been through the same or similar situation. It was nice of people to try and empathize, but in truth -- they just don't get it. Likewise, I've had friends who have lost their full-term babies and also know people who have lost older children. I would never pretend to know what they are going through. In addition, I am willing to the let them shut me out for awhile if that is what they need to help heal. It doesn't mean they are bad people or they hate me. It just means that I am not the best person right now to help them heal. It is weird how it works, while I have trouble getting pregnant, once pregnant, I usually have a very healthy uneventful pregnancy. On the other hand, one of my dearest friends has no problem getting pregnant, but she has trouble staying pregnant and having healthy babies. We've been able to support each other at times, but have each had to withdraw for awhile due to us being in differing circumstances. We always do manage to re-connect though, even though we may go months without talking.

Talk about fair weather!

[Anonymous]

My, my, my how sad it is that the TTC forum is fallen the way of the rest of DCUM. What is with all the bitterness and drama? For the most part, people were being supportive of the OP and understanding why at a time like this she pulled away from her friend. Now we are getting lectures about why we shouldn't pull away, how other people do understand, and how we are at fault for being fair weather friends? I love how these posts make the victim out to be the evil person. Why can't the "friends" just understand that it is not about them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My, my, my how sad it is that the TTC forum is fallen the way of the rest of DCUM. What is with all the bitterness and drama? For the most part, people were being supportive of the OP and understanding why at a time like this she pulled away from her friend. Now we are getting lectures about why we shouldn't pull away, how other people do understand, and how we are at fault for being fair weather friends? I love how these posts make the victim out to be the evil person. Why can't the "friends" just understand that it is not about them!

I have EVERY sympathy for the OP and this response isn't to her, it's to the quoted poster.

Maybe the FRIENDS can't understand why you think it's ALL about YOU? Each situation has 2 sides, if you ignore the other side's feeling/experience, don't be surprised when they ignore YOUR feelings right back.

[Anonymous]

11:18 poster here. I just wanted to explain the situation a bit more. I became pregnant at the same time my friend lost her week old baby. After the attending the funeral and several weeks of phone calls (she does not live locally), she said she needed to take a break from our friendship (and some of our other mutual friends) while she re-grouped. I never took it personally, and I respected her wishes. Luckily, she found a tremendous amount of support from the loss support group at the hospital. Anyway, after a couple of months, she called me back and we were able to have a long heart-to-heart discussion. We were always friends and will always be friends, but that doesn't mean we have to talk every day, week, or month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pro-choice, but I think women who abort healthy babies are pathetic pieces of trash. You should not have an unwanted pregnancy in the first place.

Pregnancies from rape and failed birth control are very rare and is not the reason most abortions happen. It's because women treat their bodies like trash.

I don't understand how you are pro-choice by judging women who choose to abort. Are you saying you're pro-choice if the fetus has a deformity?

I think it's irresponsible of people to keep birthing babies when they cannot take care of the kids that they do have: neglect, abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:18 poster here. I just wanted to explain the situation a bit more. I became pregnant at the same time my friend lost her week old baby. After the attending the funeral and several weeks of phone calls (she does not live locally), she said she needed to take a break from our friendship (and some of our other mutual friends) while she re-grouped. I never took it personally, and I respected her wishes. Luckily, she found a tremendous amount of support from the loss support group at the hospital. Anyway, after a couple of months, she called me back and we were able to have a long heart-to-heart discussion. We were always friends and will always be friends, but that doesn't mean we have to talk every day, week, or month.

23:05 here. This is what should happen btwn. friends. This poster understood that her friend was in her OWN situation and dealing with her OWN difficulties. She did not expect her friend to be available immediately to "respect " her special, important, wonderful time. Her friend did not expect her to deny any joy in her pregnancy and only concentrate on the friend's loss - even though that loss is truly horrific and unimaginably, overwhelmingly awful. Life isn't convenient. We have to take people where THEY are and deal with the situation as BEST we can. You can't try to drag people, who are dealing with their own problems (regardless of whether or not you respect those problems,) forcefully into our own reality and then get pissed that they don't react OUR way. Separation for a time allowed these friends to live their own reality and then come back together when it possible for BOTH. Give people a little freedom to feel their own feelings and receive the same yourself. It's compassion and caring and it's a two-way street.