Angry at fertile friend

[Anonymous]

We recently suffered a miscarriage after months and months of trying. It's been a hard road trying to get pregnant and carry the baby to full term. One of my married friends who already has a couple kids had a "whoops" recently and ended up pregnant. She is highly career driven and was not happy about being pregnant again. So they decided to abort the baby and I am having a really hard time with this. I know it's her choice, but I am so upset that we're trying so damn hard and she didn't want this baby to interfere with the career track they're on. I need someone to talk to me down. I know it's her prerogative to do this, but I am really angry and having a hard time talking to her about it. Our M/C was just 3 weeks ago and it's still very fresh, so that adds to my lack of being able to see my friend's choice objectively. I can't help but being upset by it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry! That is such a horrible story. Here are lots of e-HUGS for you.

We just had a M/C too and I got one friend who tells me she's pregnant by accident and isn't sure she wants it. (But they'll keep it). Another person I know just told me they're due the month we were due. It sucks. If these two people had known about my fertility issues, I'd have probably dropped them as friends. I'm not dealing with pregnant people these days. I hope I'll be able to deal with them next year.

It will get better, one day...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently suffered a miscarriage after months and months of trying. It's been a hard road trying to get pregnant and carry the baby to full term. One of my married friends who already has a couple kids had a "whoops" recently and ended up pregnant. She is highly career driven and was not happy about being pregnant again. So they decided to abort the baby and I am having a really hard time with this. I know it's her choice, but I am so upset that we're trying so damn hard and she didn't want this baby to interfere with the career track they're on. I need someone to talk to me down. I know it's her prerogative to do this, but I am really angry and having a hard time talking to her about it. Our M/C was just 3 weeks ago and it's still very fresh, so that adds to my lack of being able to see my friend's choice objectively. I can't help but being upset by it.

Be angry at God. God can handle it.

I felt this way about my teenaged sister when she got pg in a whoops and I was going through fertility challenges. And then, rather than terminate the pregnancy, she had the baby and has been a neglectful and at times abusive mother. So there you go. Other women make their own choices about their bodies and their lives and they have no relationship to the lives we create for ourselves.

Best of luck the you and I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

This is such a sad story and I'm really really sorry you're going through this. If it helps at all, I think you have every right to be very angry at your friend. To her (small) credit, I'd bet anything that she has no idea how her actions are affecting you, because people as selfish as she sounds rarely have much compassion for anyone outside of their world and their problems. So even though this doesn't help much, you can safely assume that she's not talking to you about these things on purpose.

I hate to get off on this, but I have to say that going through fertility issues myself, and hearing stories like this, has really made me rethink my position on abortion rights. Yeah, sure, it's her "choice,"... but where is your choice??? And there is nothing like a MC to make you realize that an embryo/ fetus/ baby is loved from Day One.

Big Hugs.

[Anonymous]

This must be such a difficult time for you - both going through a miscarriage and having the feelings about your friend. You have every right to feel the way you do. One of my good friends lost her best friend due to similar issues (fertility - not abortion). My friend's best friend couldn't handle the fact that my friend was pregnant. The best friend had gone through infertility treatments for over a year. That was 7 years ago. It makes me so sad, because my friend has not heard from her best friend since shortly after her first child was gone. Although I can understand that her friend couldn't take it, my friend grieved so much for losing her best friend and especially with so little explanation.

This may not be applicable in your case, because it sounds like there are some deeper issues, but I wanted to share the story, because it is hard to keep friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a sad story and I'm really really sorry you're going through this. If it helps at all, I think you have every right to be very angry at your friend. To her (small) credit, I'd bet anything that she has no idea how her actions are affecting you, because people as selfish as she sounds rarely have much compassion for anyone outside of their world and their problems. So even though this doesn't help much, you can safely assume that she's not talking to you about these things on purpose.

I hate to get off on this, but I have to say that going through fertility issues myself, and hearing stories like this, has really made me rethink my position on abortion rights. Yeah, sure, it's her "choice,"... but where is your choice??? And there is nothing like a MC to make you realize that an embryo/ fetus/ baby is loved from Day One.

Big Hugs.

there is always two sides. When I had a hard time conceiving my son, I was livid at any easy conceivers, at the oopsie-pregnancies and at the abortions.

But then I got pregnant and had a child. 13 months later I got pregnant and had another baby. It was all great. And I was at peace with the world again.

But then I got pregnant again, on birth control. (No, I did NOT miss any pills, take anitbiotics or anything like that) I just could not go through another pregnancy, having just overcome PP depression, having two small children and having had serious complications in the previous pregnancies. So I decided to terminate the pregnancy. And it did break my heart, but I did not see another choice.

Human beings feel a sense of entitlement in every aspect of their lives. If we want something, we find a way to get it. Nature however doesn't always comply, and some people will not get pregnant easily. And that's were some people confuse the "choice" issue with the very sad fact that we only control certain things to a certain degree.

I feel your resentment, OP, and I do see where you are coming from, PP. And maybe I just feel like I need to justify my decision, but at least it wasn't based on a career choice.

I am Pro-Choice, but that doesn't mean that I would justify every abortion. But it is not my place to do that anyways, because it is not my life.

My best wishes to all of you, I hope that everyone will get the opportunity to have a healthy baby one day!

[Anonymous]

You are right - this is your friend's choice and not yours. It's not your place to judge her, just as you wouldn't want others to judge you. Take some time to deal with what you have been going thru, but then I hope you continue with your friendship, which means supporting your friend, even when it is hard.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Just guessing here, but I don't think your feelings have much to do with your friend. You're grieving an incredibly painful loss. Let yourself grieve, even if it's displaced anger toward your friend. Give yourself time and distance from her if that's what you need. When you're ready to resume that friendship and are able to support her through her own struggles, you can do that.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too suffered years of infertility and had some miscarriages along the way.

I can totally understand your anger at your friend. If this happened to me while I was having so much trouble TTC, I think I would have distanced myself from her. Infertility really makes you appreciate what a wonderful gift fertility is. Unfortunately there are tons of people out there who take it for granted or even see it as a curse. Yes, it was her choice to abort the baby, but you get to chose the company that you keep. You certainly don't need to support her decision and have every right to tell her why you disagree.

That being said, I have to say that with infertility you really need to concentrate on yourself and try and separate your fertility problems from the success/failures of your friends. Your energy is better spent on positive things that you can do help your own situation -- i.e., eating healthy, exercising, seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, and doing the things that you love. When we were TTC we began to seriously explore adoption and just that process helped me cope, because I knew I was doing something to help get me on the road to motherhood. That being said, do not let it take over your life. Do the things you enjoy, plan special occasions with your husband, travel, go to movies or museums or any other activities that sound fun. Find at least a small group of people you can confide in -- especially those that have been in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's her prerogative to do this, but I am really angry and having a hard time talking to her about it. Our M/C was just 3 weeks ago and it's still very fresh, so that adds to my lack of being able to see my friend's choice objectively. I can't help but being upset by it.

OP, you sound like a wonderful friend to be so aware of your limits. You're grieving. You have a right to be angry. It's OK to put boundaries around what you can and cannot deal with at such a difficult time. If your friend wants to talk but you don't, it's OK to say "no, I can't now". And there's no rule that says you ever have to talk about it with her.

You are showing an enourmous amount of strength in being so honest with yourself about how you feel.

I hope you find some solace in the posts here. We feel for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, good luck.

[Anonymous]

I had a M/C more than a year ago and sympathize with the OP. I still have trouble being appropriately happy for pregnant friends, even though I know my feelings are more about my grief than about anyone else's situation. I deal with it by giving myself permission to feel however I feel - but I try my best not to make it obvious to my friends. Which means I say congratulations with a smile and cry/vent to my husband later. In one case, a friend with an accidental pregnancy that she really didn't want, I quietly put some distance into the relationship. We're probably a little less close, but I was in no state to do the baby-cooing thing for a while, and now when I see her I don't feel that old bitterness.

Miscarriage is such a traumatic experience and for me it was exacerbated by the fact that people are incredibly insensitive on the issue. People say things to me all the time that make me want to scream. OP, your friend probably has no idea what you're going through. Depending on your relationship, maybe you should tell her that you're dealing with something incredibly painful. Or just 'take a break' from hanging out with her for a while, and see how you feel once you've had a chance to heal a bit. With a little more distance from the actual event, I find all these things are a little less hard - not easy, but manageable.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this will make any sense, but I can relate to the way you feel on a similar level. I want a 2nd child, but DH doesn't. I see my neighbor pregnant with her 5th child, she's a SAHM, and seems to be neglecting child #3 & #4. #5 was an accident. Now I can't stand the sight of her young kids. She doesn't give appropriate nurturing to the ones she has and now she gets another.

We're attentive to our one child and I want another, but husband does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right - this is your friend's choice and not yours. It's not your place to judge her, just as you wouldn't want others to judge you. Take some time to deal with what you have been going thru, but then I hope you continue with your friendship, which means supporting your friend, even when it is hard.

I cannot believe that I just read this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right - this is your friend's choice and not yours. It's not your place to judge her, just as you wouldn't want others to judge you. Take some time to deal with what you have been going thru, but then I hope you continue with your friendship, which means supporting your friend, even when it is hard.

I cannot believe that I just read this...if she cannot judge her friend for what she did, I sure will