What does good therapy look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

Well, looks like you’ve learned some vocabulary. I guess, that’s something.

I know you are being snarky, but thanks anyway. Verbalizing my experience has been difficult. To be able to finally trust and tell someone what happened has made a huge difference in my life. I am no longer depressed and thinking about suicide.

That is huge.

Ignore the haters.

I am very glad tfst you feel so much better.

[Anonymous]

IME it started as empathetic listening, plus some problem solving. Then what emerged in conversation was that what I thought was the problem was part of some deeper patterns with how I lived my life and interacted with the world. MY good therapy was constantly trying new behaviors and ways of thinking about challenges.

OP, your concerns to your therapist. Ask about what modality they are using, and decide whether this feels right or if you want to try a different approach. A huge part of my therapy has been learning to voice my confusion, frustration, and wants in the therapy room.