What does good therapy look like?

[Anonymous]

I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

What is the "work"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

OP, here's the thing. I've been to therapy twice in my life, for two different, specific situations. Two different therapists, both were excellent. Both times, I was able to state clearly (or have the therapist get me to state clearly) exactly what my goals were, what I wanted to deal with/ feel differently about, and how I would define success.

I don't hear that from you. I hear general conversation about "fear for the future," "work stress," and "money anxiety."

Is she using the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) technique? I found that to be most effective. I will say, however, that I remember seeing the first therapist for several months and feeling like you do, like I simply repeat myself every week and nothing happened. Then all of a sudden, several months in, things changed. It seemed like overnight, but she told me it wasn't. It was the weeks of going through the same thing, hearing myself talk about it, before it finally broke through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

I'm the therapist PP. To be perfectly clear, there ARE a ton of really legitimate reasons that people go to therapy, ways that it is helpful, and actual science behind those things. All of that is absolutely true, and helping people process trauma is one of the "really legitimate" reasons that people go to and benefit from therapy.

There are also a lot of reasons that are more a function of the pressures of society and a lack of other spaces to discuss those issues - not clinical reasons to focus on trauma with a trauma specialist but social issues like "mental health isn't a thing" and "don't talk about problems" that result in people benefiting disproportionately from having ANY safe space to process.

I am glad that you are working with someone who is helping you with your experiences and glad they are not phoning it in. I am not phoning it in either, except insofar as I am on break posting on a social media website from a town where I used to live. I assume you also are different at your job than in your personal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

I'm the therapist PP. To be perfectly clear, there ARE a ton of really legitimate reasons that people go to therapy, ways that it is helpful, and actual science behind those things. All of that is absolutely true, and helping people process trauma is one of the "really legitimate" reasons that people go to and benefit from therapy.

There are also a lot of reasons that are more a function of the pressures of society and a lack of other spaces to discuss those issues - not clinical reasons to focus on trauma with a trauma specialist but social issues like "mental health isn't a thing" and "don't talk about problems" that result in people benefiting disproportionately from having ANY safe space to process.

I am glad that you are working with someone who is helping you with your experiences and glad they are not phoning it in. I am not phoning it in either, except insofar as I am on break posting on a social media website from a town where I used to live. I assume you also are different at your job than in your personal life.

I strive to be my authentic self wherever I am these days. I wore a mask for much of my life. It feels great being myself. No more pretending in public and blowing off steam in private. I am who I am and those who know me know I speak my mind. I work with children and they can spot insincerity a mile away. So, no I am not different at work and at home. Wherever I go, there I am...for better or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

What is the "work"?

Divorcing myself from what was done to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

OP, here's the thing. I've been to therapy twice in my life, for two different, specific situations. Two different therapists, both were excellent. Both times, I was able to state clearly (or have the therapist get me to state clearly) exactly what my goals were, what I wanted to deal with/ feel differently about, and how I would define success.

I don't hear that from you. I hear general conversation about "fear for the future," "work stress," and "money anxiety."

Is she using the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) technique? I found that to be most effective. I will say, however, that I remember seeing the first therapist for several months and feeling like you do, like I simply repeat myself every week and nothing happened. Then all of a sudden, several months in, things changed. It seemed like overnight, but she told me it wasn't. It was the weeks of going through the same thing, hearing myself talk about it, before it finally broke through.

^ Listen to this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

I'm the therapist PP. To be perfectly clear, there ARE a ton of really legitimate reasons that people go to therapy, ways that it is helpful, and actual science behind those things. All of that is absolutely true, and helping people process trauma is one of the "really legitimate" reasons that people go to and benefit from therapy.

There are also a lot of reasons that are more a function of the pressures of society and a lack of other spaces to discuss those issues - not clinical reasons to focus on trauma with a trauma specialist but social issues like "mental health isn't a thing" and "don't talk about problems" that result in people benefiting disproportionately from having ANY safe space to process.

I am glad that you are working with someone who is helping you with your experiences and glad they are not phoning it in. I am not phoning it in either, except insofar as I am on break posting on a social media website from a town where I used to live. I assume you also are different at your job than in your personal life.

This doesn’t resonate with my experience of therapy either. Having a safe space to talk about mental health in regular society is nothing like talking about it in a therapy session which is by definition focused on the client. It’s the only place where I can talk and not worry about how I am making the other person feel, or if I’m talking too much, or being too personal. It is literally my time. I don’t think there is a replacement for that. For me, that has been very beneficial.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like talk therapy which is what you are in.

I like CBT which gives me tools, homework and reading.

My H has PTSD so he needed BDT and EMDR.

You don’t go to an orthopedic for heart surgery.

You need to find the right type of therapist that does “work” for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

I'm the therapist PP. To be perfectly clear, there ARE a ton of really legitimate reasons that people go to therapy, ways that it is helpful, and actual science behind those things. All of that is absolutely true, and helping people process trauma is one of the "really legitimate" reasons that people go to and benefit from therapy.

There are also a lot of reasons that are more a function of the pressures of society and a lack of other spaces to discuss those issues - not clinical reasons to focus on trauma with a trauma specialist but social issues like "mental health isn't a thing" and "don't talk about problems" that result in people benefiting disproportionately from having ANY safe space to process.

I am glad that you are working with someone who is helping you with your experiences and glad they are not phoning it in. I am not phoning it in either, except insofar as I am on break posting on a social media website from a town where I used to live. I assume you also are different at your job than in your personal life.

This doesn’t resonate with my experience of therapy either. Having a safe space to talk about mental health in regular society is nothing like talking about it in a therapy session which is by definition focused on the client. It’s the only place where I can talk and not worry about how I am making the other person feel, or if I’m talking too much, or being too personal. It is literally my time. I don’t think there is a replacement for that. For me, that has been very beneficial.

+1 100%

I pay for my therapist to listen to me. That 50 minutes is my time, just for me. Fit is so important. My daughter is on her third therapist. She had one who was intimidating, then one who reminded both of us of a cocker spaniel (sweet but ineffective). The one she has now “gets her” in a way the first two didn’t.

Both of our current therapists are empathetic but don’t stop there. They are not afraid to ask uncomfortable questions, point out negative patterns, push us to be true to ourselves.

What do you want to get out of therapy? Maybe it’s time for a conversation with your therapist. She should be able to discuss options and make a general plan with you, and schedule a brief check in every few months to evaluate how you feel things are going. Perhaps you might eventually want to try someone else if it’s still not working out.

[Anonymous]

Many therapists are not particularly skilled at being anything other than an uninvolved listener. Someone you can vent to and they will validate you. They make a lot of money from you coming back so you getting better doesn't fit with their business model. Finding new clients can be hard work.

You need someone who does a time limited structured form of therapy (there are many) who can describe to you how many sessions (give or take), what their role will be, what the structure and content of the therapy looks like. What you can expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

Well, looks like you’ve learned some vocabulary. I guess, that’s something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a crashout a few months ago-- work stress mostly, but also disgust for the political class and its supporters, fear for the future, and money anxiety (things are fine but if I lost my job I only have enough for a year of expenses before I'd have to hit up my retirement funds).

So I got my first-ever therapist. She's very nice. I tell her what I'm fretting about and she affirms that the situation is difficult. I explain where I feel stuck and she repeats the situation back to me, very sympathetically. If she were a bartender, she'd be going above and beyond. But I don't feel like I'm getting better? making progress? I'm no less stressed or stuck. I don't have any better way of coping. I used to be able to convince myself, for a while at least, that I'm very fortunate and it's not that bad and I should get over it. With her weekly affirmations, I can no longer gaslight myself.

So what would good therapy look like? I don't even know what I want from it, or what's in the realm of the possible. Everyone says therapy therapy therapy for all our social/ emotional ills, but what does that mean?? What is a therapy solution to modern-day malaise? Explain it like I'm 5.

I am a therapist. FWIW, I am a therapist who isn't in therapy because I don't find it that helpful for myself, so I am sympathetic to where you are now.

Some people really value the space to fret about their stuff and have someone affirm that it's difficult. For some people, that truly is enough - either because talking it through 4 or 5 times allows them to build up to taking action on something or because no one in their life ever lets them vent about things or sees their suffering or whatever other reason. People who need therapy in that way usually feel much better after a session. They feel seen and heard. They feel like they CAN go on with the situation for another week, because someone gets it. It doesn't sound like that's happening for you.

Other people need therapy because they want "coping skills" as though that is a magical list that is gatekept by therapists. Coping skills mean stuff like "make a list of your tasks and order them by importance" and "this breathing exercise" and "weekly affirmations" and such. It never means "secret magical tool that fixes your problems" in the way that often gets tossed around.

Therapy isn't magic. It's not even really science most of the time. You kind of nailed it with the bartender remark. I am trained in a number of specialized things and some of the best therapists I know really are similar in empathy and listening to a good bartender but can also help people work through more pervasive patterns that a once-in-a-while bartender wouldn't see. If you are a person who doesn't have "a major mental health problem" and more just "has stuff happen to you and feel overwhelmed a lot", the therapy industry may not help you all that much if you don't get the "seen/heard/validated" reward other people get.

As a childhood neglect and abuse survivor in therapy to process trauma, your post doesn't sit well with me. I talk to my therapist about things I could never mention in regular life. Most people aren't equipped to sit with the things I experienced. The "reward" I get is self worth for breaking my silence and shedding toxic shame. My therapist isn't phoning it in, as you may be, she is a skilled provider and my mental health has improved through working with her.

Well, looks like you’ve learned some vocabulary. I guess, that’s something.

I know you are being snarky, but thanks anyway. Verbalizing my experience has been difficult. To be able to finally trust and tell someone what happened has made a huge difference in my life. I am no longer depressed and thinking about suicide.